Smile by Andrew Lightfoot - Short - A little girl must complete her project before her newborn baby brother comes home. 12 pages - pdf, format

Hello Andrew

I'm sorry to say that this script rubbed me the wrong way. It's basically a retelling of Oscar Wilde's The Selfish Giant, without any of the cleverness. The whole concept of capturing people's smile is a bit clunky and on the nose, so it would be better if you could come up with something else the girl has to get from Mr. Murphy, which in turn would make him smile. See the short film called Validation (on youtube) for inspiration. The ending could also do with more of a twist, as in The Selfish Giant.

You strive very hard to make the girl cute and clever, but I found her way too wise for a 5-year old, which made her unbelievable and annoying instead. It might help if you try to make her actions more accidental and genuinely innocent, instead of being a mastermind of psychology. The old man is also very one dimensional, and it could be funny if the girl was actually a bit annoying, so that the audience can sympathize with him too, as in Pixar’s Up!

I feel a bit bad for being so harsh, but hope that you're able to get something of value out of my honesty, for your next draft. =)

Andrew,

I hope many of my comments will elicit a smile.  Read with perspective.

I certainly like the setup and the tale.  I'm not sure you nailed all the story elements.  I don't find a 5 year old smart enough to get all this done.  I would think a bit older.  Also, Mr. Murphy is a caricature of a real person.  Yeah, he's a grump and a grouch, but give him some personality, perhaps a genuine mean streak, clever and nasty?  Or is that taking it too far.  

The other elements work for the most part.  I'm not wild about the perfume bit, seems contrived.  Perhaps something much more simple will work.  In any case, with some tightening and a bit of work, this could turn into a bright little piece.

Best
Richard

Thanks for the reads and replies guys.

You both think that Ruby is too clever for her age and that Mr. Murphy is too plain for a character. Alright I'll have a look at both issues and try to sort them out.

"perhaps a genuine mean streak"

This sparked my interest, I believe I can make Murphy's character more dimensional easily, it's just Ruby's character needing dumbing down is what I'll struggle with.

Will making her older work better? If not then perhaps I can make her actions more accidental.

Just realized I forgot to add something into the sandwich eating scene, Harold explains to Ruby why he may be so grumpy, he lost his wife, perhaps this little tidbit would've made what came afterwards a little more understandable?

Thanks again.

Andrew

I enjoyed this, a sweet story deftly handled.

Even though we ultimately know Ruby is going to win over the curmudgeonly Mr. Murphy the story took enough turns to make the journey enjoyable in getting to that conclusion, to make it worthwhile. At first, we think her offering the flowers will thaw him out. Then when he seizes her camera I thought perhaps seeing the smiling pictures on it would loosen him up. Then we see her make the biggest sacrifice by forgoing her doll to buy him his deceased wife’s perfume and its this gesture which brings him around to her side. His nostalgia trip upon smelling the perfume reminded me of Ratatouille when the chef eats the titular meal which in turn reminds him of his childhood.

On could accuse of it being too maudlin but I appreciate this is what you are going for. The story is told through Ruby’s eyes, her perspective so there is that element of untainted childlike innocence to the whole thing.

One criticism I would have though is that Ruby is too young. She shows empathy and understanding beyond her years. Yes, there must that degree of naivety to her actions as the cynicism of age would have given up on Mr. Murphy a long time ago, Thus, just by merely adding a couple of years to her would remedy this.

Having said that, she is still remarkably forgiving and sweet, a bona fide angel! I wonder could you have a moment, maybe after Mr. Murphy tells Harold off and refuses to give back the camera, where she shows some frustration and spite towards her neighbour. It would humanise her more. Perhaps she sneaks over to Mr. Murphy's house to salvage the camera or do some mischief as payback and spies him crying through the window or something, a moment of vulnerability or weakness where he lets his guard down. This replenishes her sympathy levels again before they go to the Mall as written. It’s something to consider anyway in order to add some colour and depth to her character so she’s doesn’t come off as this one-note, purely saintly individual.

I liked how you ended on Mr. Murphy essentially reverting back to his ornery self, a welcome bit of humour to end it on but I wondered did you ever have a version where we see Ruby's mother come home with the new addition to the family. That is after all why Ruby was collecting these photos but it seemed to be forgotten about since it wasn’t called back to.

You could coincide their mother coming home with the baby and Mr. Murphy dropping the camera back. Pretty much keep the scene the same except this time the mother witnesses the exchange and wonders what has been going on in her absence. The final shot could be her puzzled glance at Ruby and Harold. Again, just something to think about.

Anyway, good job

Col.

Hi Andrew,

Really enjoyed this! A nice heart warming tale is always a pleasure to read.

What I would suggest is changing the age of Ruby. I think a lot of her actions are highly above the maturity levels of a lot of 5 year olds. 8 or 9 would be a good age. She would still have that innocence you are trying to portray but at the same time she would also have an added bit of maturity. Would a 5 year old really have the reaction Ruby did after seeing the perfume label?

As was said, we knew where the story was going but that didn't stop me from enjoying it at all!

All the best,
Adam

I'm put off by 12 pages these days. I think that's long for a short and would film for around 15 minutes. The page by minute rule only works over 70 pages and even then isn't set in stone. I read that somewhere and it makes sense. From experience too when an 8 page short filmed for 12 minutes. Anyway, I'll crack this one open.

Code A small printer on a desk noisily comes to life.

Do we need noisily? Why not describe the noise instead?

A small printer on a desk screeches into life.

It's that 'ly' adverb thing. Keep an eye out for them and always look for a way to improve if you can. A lot of the time they will be necessary, but sometimes it's worth looking for something better. I also don't think it matters exactly where the printer is. I imagine most will consider it to be in the normal place.

Code A blank piece of paper carried by two small hands is rammed into the top of the printer, the machine pulls them in hungrily.

Watch out for 'is'. I do it now and again but it's quite lazy in a screen play. Try to keep things as active as you can. The best way for me to explain something is to rewrite it. Hope you don't take offence.

Two small hands cram a blank sheet into the top, then snatch away
as the printer swallows the paper an inch at a time.

That's one way around it. Not saying that is what you should write. Indeed, within the context of the other action blocks there are probably ways to streamline the whole scene.

Code At the bottom, the paper is gradually spat out at inch at a time. Printed on it are the red tinted pictures of two smiling adults.

'is' and 'are'... both watchwords. Both drag the pace of your writing. I won't rewrite this one for you... but just be aware of it and try to be more inventive with your verb choices.

There is a typo in the above... a forgiveable one, but it looks bad on the first page. Also, it's not enough to say two adults. I'm assuming they're human... but, is it a male and a female... or what?

Your writing is fine aside from those minor things. Tweaking those will help you improve.

Code Ruby beams as she picks it up off the ground. Murphy angrily calls out to her. MR. MURPHY Is that yours?

You don't need to write 'off the ground' as in a previous image you already alerted us to the fact that it was on the sidewalk. Also the second sentence isn't necessary as you simply place it in a wryly like so:

MR. MURPHY
(angry)
Is that yours?

Or if you want it to be a shout off screen then:

MR. MURPHY (OS)
(angry shout)
Is that yours?

I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for the comments, a lot of great advice in all of them, I agree with you 100% Dustin, I need to stop using words like "is" and "are", hopefully this weekend I can put these into the re-write.

Haven't been really active lately so sorry for this extremely late reply, work has been insanely busy. Plus being on the afternoon shift doesn't help either.

It's alright to use "is", just not all the time.

People say it slows down the action and all that, but if you're writing a drama it's a slow read anyway, ya dig?