SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:05pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Hook, Line & Cyber Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Hook, Line & Cyber  (currently 1317 views)
Don
Posted: April 1st, 2015, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Hook, Line & Cyber by Marqus Bobesich - Comedy - A bumbling foreigner battles the craziness that is Los Angeles to surprise his "internet lover", only to discover she works for a bogus dating site. 90 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Josh
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 12:08am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
84
Posts Per Day
0.02
For your logline, I would recommend keeping the twist vague (I'm not advocating to make the meaning unclear, but add some mystery)

It's an interesting premise though, so I took a look.


Quoted Text
A VHS tape is being looped:

should just be "A VHS tape loops". I noticed that a few times, where you use passive language where it could easily be active.

Overall, though, I liked the way this opened. I expected it to be one of those "clever for the sake of being clever" sequences, but in actuality it tied in with the introduction of the story quite well.

When Marty says

Quoted Text
And the whole, you know... one leg shorter than the other.

I feel like that could have been executed a little better, have him say something like "You know... the leg situation" and have her walk off, where we SEE that one of her legs is shorter.


Quoted Text
The club manager CHRIS THE GREASY GREEK -- all brill cream, bad English, and bargain bin tuxedo

I feel like this might have been reaching too far, to the point where it's pretty offensive. Maybe just call him CHRIS, that would add a little subtlety.

At page 6, the montage for me doesn't work very well. Why not just dedicate a scene to introducing his father? I feel like that could ease into him courting Valentina instead of just plopping his whole home life in a short montage.

The scene with "Buffalo Girl" was funny, but would've worked better somewhere else. Actually, a lot of these scenes feel a bit like short vignettes that would work infinitely better in the right contexts.

page 13 - "passed" should be "past".

Stopped at page 15. I liked your premise, a comedic catfish, but right now this seems a bit scatterbrained to deliver the laughs optimally. A sweep of the script and reworking would make this a lot better. I like your protagonist, and that's a big plus.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006