Last Will by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - When the last straw falls, an old man decides his own fate. 4 pages - pdf, format

Richard, this is a nice happy little story, ain't it?

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but...

SPOILERS:

Was the bit with the revolver a misdirection or was this his back up plan?

FYI:
INT.  WILL’SHOUSE – KITCHEN – EVENING (needs a space inserted)

Should be: two children, five grandchildren -

Where is this extended and loving family, btw?! Typical.

So, Will's no longer young and vital, wife's gone, tax bills on the property, - I assume, family's no help, so he's decided he'll go out in a blaze of glory (do it his way) - obviously they won't get the house cause there won't be one to be got.

I don't know, it's just a bit underwhelming and depressing to me. If he's doing a f-you to all those who didn't come to his aid and to the authorities I think there needs a bit more to the plot so I can feel for him and cheer for him.

Maybe I missed something...

Richard,

Where is the conflict? Perhaps a phone call to one of his children where there is an air of irritation at having to listen to the ramblings of an old man or not wanting to be burdened. Maybe an old school answering machine message where a tax official talks about a lien or confiscation of property, which could set the stage for the burning of the house.

Just a couple of ideas to consider.

Look forward to seeing where you take this one.

Ian

Richard

“She looks 50 in the photo, younger and pretty.”

- Pedantic I know but how do we know she’s “younger”? We haven’t seen any other image of her until now. Are you just saying she is younger than Will?

This looked like it was heading towards familiar “final minutes of a person’s life” territory which in essence it is but you gave it an interesting twist by showing a particular process Will goes through before he carries out the final deed.

You cleverly introduced the red herring of the gun, knowing that we would assume he was going to use that to end his life but instead that gets left in the car as he enters the burning inferno of his house. That in itself is an arresting image which makes the piece worthwhile.

It was a nice touch to have him not only leave his will and insurance forms in the safety of the car but also his due letters. This way he ensures complete honesty and transparency in how he’s settling his affairs. Thus, there is an honour to his (what some would deem selfish) decision. I did wonder why he left the revolver out though. Surely a post mortem would reveal if he had shot himself or not which he probably doesn’t want his family to think. Then again, he will be turned to ashes so a post mortem would probably be impossible.

Nice job overall, good to see a somewhat original treatment of a common subject.

Col.

All,

Thanks for the comments.  I really appreciate them.  As far as the gun and bullets go, it's Will's honor that dictates that he not leave them where the ammo will 'cook off' in the fire and perhaps hurt someone.  Not immediately knowable, and I certainly didn't include that idea.  Although I did want the gun to be a red herring, as is  starting the car in the closed garage.  

Thanks all,

Richard

Hi Richard,
   I'm reading your script now.

1.  The opening seems clunky.  I think you can condense Will's description and make it tighter.  Something like this:

"Will (70's) reaches out to grab the chair to the desk.  The sun illuminates his faded jeans and shirt.  He sits down and reaches for his glasses with one hand while brushing his white hair with the other.  Once his glasses are comfortably on his face, he reaches into his pocket to pull out a pocket knife with one hand while the other hand holds up an envelop."

2.  I agree with the other comments about the wife's photo.  We don't know anything about how she looks otherwise.  Remember the old motto - show don't tell.

3.  Shouldn't it be he stops the car in the drive WAY.  You don't have WAY.

4.  For the garage door lowers, is he pulling it down, or using a remote, or did he go back in the house?  Kinda confused a bit.

5.  Wow, that was sad.  SPOILERS

I don't understand why he'd save the car.

You don't show any significance to the car.  I get why the photo has meaning, but, is it as simple as he wanted to keep the photo safe?  Somehow, I don't think that's the case.  If the car has meaning, we should see it as a flashback or voice over or something.

It's a sad little story.  It's doable, save for the fire.  Also, the gun is a mystery.  You state that he didn't want the gun to hurt anyone, but, you state in the screenplay that the house is isolated with no people around.  So, that doesn't make sense to me.

It was a nice story tho.

Dan