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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Out Of Character Moderators: bert
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  Author    Out Of Character  (currently 5007 views)
Don
Posted: April 16th, 2015, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Out Of Character by R. E. McManus - Short - Jack longs to write something different... Something more...  9 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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DanC
Posted: April 16th, 2015, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Well, that was cute.  I just finished it.

I think it was inventive to a point, but, I think you need to carry it further.  The story was pretty easy to follow, tho I think there might be a mistake or 2 later in the script, like when he's in the bathroom.

I hope you rewrite it and have some fun taking this even further.

Good luck
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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RichardR
Posted: April 17th, 2015, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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R

Thank god comments don't come back to life.  Read with a friend.

This works on many levels.  Having a character come to life is nothing new, but you handled it well.  Ken doesn't like what he is, so he forces a better character.  I like how it goes back and forth, and if you can invent a few more reversals, you'll have a nice work.  

Best
richard
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rendevous
Posted: April 18th, 2015, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
Well, that was cute.  I just finished it.


Well thank you, DanC. Hang on, cute? I'd have preferred 'astonishing' or 'stunning', or maybe 'inspiring'. How about 'breathtaking'. Oh yes, I like that one.

Oh well, I'll take 'cute'. It's better than what they called me down the pub last night. I know for a fact I was born in wedlock. And I've never done that to a goat.


Quoted from DanC
I think it was inventive to a point,


To a point? Surely you mean a plank. Hmm, that sounded much better in my head.


Quoted from DanC
... but, I think you need to carry it further.


Maybe. I tried a few different things before this version. With the story, I mean. I don't take drugs. I never knew that bag was in my car, officer. This isn't even my car. Oh dear.


Quoted from DanC
  The story was pretty easy to follow,


That's a blessing. Some think I often go off on tangents. Like that time I was on holiday with the ice creams and that small man with the limp. He assured me that wasn't a euphemism. I have my suspicions.


Quoted from DanC
... tho I think there might be a mistake or 2 later in the script, like when he's in the bathroom.


Really? Hang on, I'll go and have a look...

Er no. I can't see any. This might be like the time I lost my trousers in Hull. They were right there in the policeman's hand just across the street.  


Quoted from DanC
I hope you rewrite it and have some fun taking this even further.


I might. It would depend on how things go in court.


Quoted from DanC
Good luck
Dan


Many thanks, Dan. I'll probably need good luck. My lawyer is hopeless. He keeps going on about his tortoise and Carrie Fisher. I can't yet make the connection. Mind you, the night is still young.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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alffy
Posted: April 18th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey rendevous,

Think you may have a typo on page 5 as it reads kinda odd. 'so why've I got a got a mouthful of broken gravestones'?

SPOILERS!!!!

I got to say I really enjoyed this.  It flowed really well and pretty funny too.  I wasn't sure how you were going to end it but the doorbell left it open to interpretation...is Jack asleep or has someone else turned up?  Well that's how I saw it anyway.

Overall, a great little piece of work.  Well done, bud.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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DS
Posted: April 18th, 2015, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, I've missed reading your posts, ren.

I very much enjoyed the script, too. Fun light read. The characters were great, particularly Ken, and the exchanges entertaining.

But I do think the script lost some spice as Jack went to the toilet. The dialogue doesn't feel as witty from there onward and the toilet plot point feels like an easy way out; you could find something more creative and effective for the showdown to fit the witty-ness of the rest of the script. I'd recommend adding a few more pages for that part of the script.

Also: The logline doesn't really fit the story, does it?

Ken mentions that Jack has went to the toilet multiple times. Wouldn't he have been planning and know where the eye pencil is by now then instead of frantically searching through the cabinets, if so?

I'd try and contain their game of wits to the screen. There wasn't much reason for the pages to be printed out other than advancing the plot imo and the words magically moving from paper to screen directly was a little too out there for me.

Great ending, anyway. Thanks for the fun read, good luck with this.
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rendevous
Posted: April 19th, 2015, 2:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
R

Thank god comments don't come back to life.  Read with a friend.


Eh? Oh. For a moment there I thought you were issuing a threat. I see now you weren't. Sometimes I'm easily confused. At least that's what I tell people when they ask me to leave the premises.


Quoted from RichardR
This works on many levels.  


I wrote it in the attic.


Quoted from RichardR
Having a character come to life is nothing new, but you handled it well.  


Indeed, thank you. I like Ken and Jack. I wouldn't be inviting them round for tea and biscuits, but I do like watching them, so to speak.


Quoted from RichardR
Ken doesn't like what he is, so he forces a better character.  I like how it goes back and forth, and if you can invent a few more reversals, you'll have a nice work.  

Best
richard


Many thanks, Richard. Glad you enjoyed it. If you or anyone else who read wants a specific return read then PM me with details. I'll try to be slightly more serious than usual when reviewing.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: April 20th, 2015, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
Hey rendevous,

Think you may have a typo on page 5 as it reads kinda odd. 'so why've I got a got a mouthful of broken gravestones'?


Well spotted that man. I fixed that.

It's just like my hair. I spend ages looking at it and fixing it and playing with it. My hair that is. On my head, by the way. Anyways, I spend ages fiddling with it, my hair again...

Oh, where was I? I think I was trying to compare proofreading and fixing my hair. It wasn't the best idea in the first place. Maybe it's like bricklaying. You spend ages building a wall, then realise you haven't left space for a window... No, that doesn't work either. How about dentistry. You spend ages brushing... Ooh no.

Hmm, back to my hair. It's as lovely as my cheeks. I would qualify that, but it'd take all the fun away.  

Anyways, I fixed it. The typo. Moving on...


Quoted from alffy
SPOILERS!!!!


Spoilers? Steady there...


Quoted from alffy
I got to say I really enjoyed this.  It flowed really well and pretty funny too.  I wasn't sure how you were going to end it...


I've censored you there. For those desperate to know what happens I strongly recommend you read the script. It's great! Someone has to plug this stuff.

I suppose I really should comment on your comments. I know this seems a radical idea for me. But I'll try anything once. Except for homesexuality and morris dancing. Not that there's anything wrong with those. For each their own. On second thoughts... that morris dancing is disgusting.

I wasn't sure how I was going to end it either. My script I mean. I wasn't talking about anything else this time. I quite like the end. Ooh, I see I stopped you mid thought.


Quoted from alffy
... left it open to interpretation...is Jack asleep or has someone else turned up?  Well that's how I saw it anyway.


You can read it like that. That was one of the ideas for it. There's a couple of ways you can see it. Yours is one of the better ones.


Quoted from alffy
Overall, a great little piece of work.  Well done, bud.


Thanks very much, Alffy. Glad you liked it.

Not sure you needed the 'little' in there. Try 'electric', or 'hugely important' , or even ' knocks William Goldman into a cocked hat.'

With scripts like this I'm trying to write things that would be relatively cheap and easy to film. You'd just need decent actors and someone who can point a camera in the right direction.

Obviously there's a bit more to it than that. I suppose really there's a truckload more to it than that. I'm just trying to stay away from the big budget and cast of thousands type stuff. Unless I come up with something worth a big budget.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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khamanna
Posted: April 20th, 2015, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Rendevous,

This one resembles Stranger Than Fiction but you surely know that.

The ending - what happened? Ken killed Jack? I didn't get the ending.

The rest of it I really liked. Ken is a funny character and the twists in it are very good.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: April 20th, 2015, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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I want to know who was at the door and what happened, plz.
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alffy
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Overall, a hugely gigantic and colossal piece of work...in just 9 pages.

Is that better, R? lol


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: April 20th, 2015, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
Overall, a hugely gigantic and colossal piece of work...in just 9 pages.

Is that better, R? lol


Not bad. You failed to mention the dynamics of its social importance. And the fact it makes Orwell's 1984 look like Beatrix fecking Potter.

If only.

However I do admire adjectives like 'gigantic' and 'colossal'. I suppose there should be a knob gag here, or something about my trousers being missing. But to do so would be tactless. Probably.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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TonyDionisio
Posted: April 20th, 2015, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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or, we can lite the town on fire and blow the smoke up your butt
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Dustin
Posted: April 21st, 2015, 2:35am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Interesting story and concept. I liked it. Like Dan though I think it could do with more... but then, perhaps, an ordinary viewer may not understand all of the jokes, so you're probably very close to perfect with this.

Reminds me a little of a comedy version of The Dark Half by Stephen King. Perhaps reading that, or maybe even watching the film may give you some pointers on where else to take this -- if anywhere at all.

Nice job.
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rendevous
Posted: April 22nd, 2015, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DS
Ah, I've missed reading your posts, ren.


Ooh, you're encouraging. I'll get the biscuits out. Now, if only you were a lady, we could flirt online and get watched by pervy spies. Isn't the modern world wonderful? Damn you Snowdon, before you we only suspected it.


Quoted from DS
I very much enjoyed the script, too. Fun light read. The characters were great, particularly Ken, and the exchanges entertaining.


Many thanks, glad you liked it. Something tells me you're buttering me up though. Not literally, obviously. That type of thing costs cold hard cash. I heard the place down the road got closed after that raid last week. Not that I'd know anything about that type of thing.


Quoted from DS
But I do think the script lost some spice as Jack went to the toilet.


Hmm, not sure about the use of 'spice' and 'toilet' in such close proximity. Might give me ideas.

Well, at that point things had to change and I wanted to up the ante.

I take your point though. But I think it would depend on how the actors played it. For instance, when they fight it's intended to be more like humourous, more like kids fighting than grown men going at it. I probably could have phrased that last bit better. Still, I'll have the gays on my side. They can give me some fashion tips. My intention was for more of a dark comedy.


Quoted from DS
The dialogue doesn't feel as witty from there onward and the toilet plot point feels like an easy way out; you could find something more creative and effective for the showdown to fit the witty-ness of the rest of the script. I'd recommend adding a few more pages for that part of the script.


Ooh I don't know. I'll have a look at it with this in mind.


Quoted from DS
Also: The logline doesn't really fit the story, does it?


Hmm, no it doesn't. I'm not a fan of loglines. I'd rather listen to a Nigel Farage speech than write a logline. And I can't Farage. I just tried to write a logline that might make people read. A few did, so it didn't go so bad.


Quoted from DS
Ken mentions that Jack has went to the toilet multiple times. Wouldn't he have been planning and know where the eye pencil is by now then instead of frantically searching through the cabinets, if so?


Like his pencil, Jack isn't the sharpest. If memory serves, Ken said "Again? You're like an old lady." This could mean he went only once and Ken's whining, whilst humming Hound Dog. Badly.


Quoted from DS
I'd try and contain their game of wits to the screen. There wasn't much reason for the pages to be printed out other than advancing the plot imo and the words magically moving from paper to screen directly was a little too out there for me.


A tad harsh. Plus it's a fantasy. Ken's rewriting his character. These pages being pumped out, if you pardon the phrasing, would me a lot to Ken. They're the new him.


Quoted from DS
Great ending, anyway. Thanks for the fun read, good luck with this.


I thank you. Some good points, and I always enjoy your posts. Let's form a mutual appreciation society. There's just one rule: trousers on, no matter what.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

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rendevous  -  April 22nd, 2015, 7:06pm
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