There's An App For That by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A suicide hot line counselor helps a woman who has discovered the man she loves is already married. 16 pages - pdf, format

Rich,

I really  liked the tension and suspense that you created through out the phone exchanges, especially the doodling that Ann does as she underlines and figures things out.

You have adultery and suicide hot line and jealousy interweaved and then you have...

NOTHING.

No payoff, no reveal. I think you can do better

Tony

Hello, Richard. Thank you for sharing.

My biggest issue is that this script seems more like a mechanical plot exercise rather than a story born of believable character motivation.

The majority of the audience can generally forgive one coincidence in a serious drama. The big one here is that Anne counsels suicidal women and a client (Beth) having an affair with her husband (Craig) seeks her services. Unlikely, but that's why we have a story! Unfortunately, the script opens with dialogue about a corvette and money which is recalled quickly in Beth's phone call. This is a second coincidence and also a bit on the nose as dialogue between husband and wife. Finally Charlie. This is Craig's alias, and it so happens Anne and Craig have a mutual someone named Charlie who drives a corvette. The name, the corvette, the fact that he sees Anne regularly and that he would go along so readily with Craig's wishes, are all coincidental. OR are we to believe that Craig chose the alias Charlie because he knew Charlie and himself shared certain similiarites -- namely a car and money habits -- but the odds of Beth bringing up those shared traits are tiny!

As for the characters, it's clear Craig was intended to be an ahole -- but I think that was portrayed a little too obviously, specifically the way he would talk to his daughter (to himself). It felt like exposition to set up what a sociopath/misogynist he was, but apart from sounding unnatural it was redundant, as we understand very early on that he is a scumbag. Remember, show, don't tell -- and especially don't show and then tell us what we've seen. My other problem with Craig, was that if he was supposed to be a manipulative genius, this turn relies on said coincidences, so he just appears to be a very lucky scumbag, which is not very interesting -- we want character action to drive the conflict, not random chance, which reduces drama.

Also, Beth's arc was not satisfactorily achieved. She is understandbly skeptical of this hotline, but her change of heart at the end was not convincing. Character arc is good, but we have to feel that change, and dishonesty flattens character further. If Beth is just a plot device, perhaps drop her arc and change of heart altogether... maybe she just kills herself or simply hangs up.

So I know it seems I've been super critical. The truth is, you are a great writer. Your words flow easily and it was a quick read. The idea has potential. It's good to see these themes handled with teeth. I would look at the characters again. Understand them inside out and let them guide you back through their story again. I could even see this re-worked as a dark comedy or farce.

I look forward to see what you come up with next. Also, take my words with a grain of salt. I am a novice screenwriter and I'm sure others can better shed a light than I. Thanks!

Hi Richard

I chose to read this script because I'm currently working on a script based around a telephone helpline too and from the first look at your script it looked like a quick read.

Overall, your writing is very good. Concise descriptions. I liked the majority of the dialogue, although I agree with what Alex has said that there are a few too many coincidences. I think what would help this script a lot is if there were more calls coming through before Beth. Just, the biggest coincidence for me is the fact it is her first call. I know, you don't want to waste pages of script with superfluous action, but use it for character building. We could find out a little more about Ann through 3 or 4 short sections of other calls.

The ending really didn't work for me. Not in a way that I don't believe it, just in that it's a bit of an anti-climax, there's no real resolution. Craig is going to continue to be an ass and Ann is going to continue with her life with him -- that's fine if that was the point of the script, but I didn't get that being the point from reading it. I would suggest playing around with a few different endings and then see how working them in changes the rest of your script. I think if you get the right ending the other fixes will come naturally.

Overall, enjoyed the read, you are clearly a good scriptwriter and it matched my expectation of being a very quick read.

Ste