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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Vortex Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 26th, 2015, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Vortex by Kevin Doy Burton - Short - While on a private fishing cruise, a group of friends undergoes a strange experience on the open sea. 27 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: April 27th, 2015, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Kevin,

Sometimes, comments seem to come from outer space.  Read these with your favorite Martian.

I'll start with the obvious.  Screenplays are generally written in present tense.  No past tense because the action is always in the now.  

The opening scene is interesting, a space ship diving into the deep ocean.  Unfortunately, the ship doesn't really have a role.  The other events would happen with or without it.

After that, we get an info dump on these people going out for a fishing trip.  In old English plays, the maid and butler would open the first act with all the information the audience would need to know about the characters in the play.  It was a common way to start.  This work does the same thing, and it's unnecessary.  You can dump everything up to the actual vortex.  It's not needed, and the story moves much faster without it.

The use of the vortex to get these people into the underground space is fine.  They manage to reach the special island and meet Ishtar who gives them a heads up.  The problem here is that these ordinary people can't do what Ishtar wants.  And he knows that since he knows just about everything.  In other words, you haven't given us a reason why these 4 people are chosen to save mankind.  Going further, we have a doctor who doesn't doctor anything and a cop who doesn't make an arrest or fire a shot.  If you're going to choose vocations for these people, make the vocations mean something.  

Ishtar who has the power to do just about anything he wants has to wait for an invitation?  He's been transporting people and animals around the universe, why does he need someone to ask him for help?  I'm not convinced by him.  

Then, we reach the doom predicted by Ishtar, and our group tries to return to the safety of the underwater kingdom.  No such luck.  If only they had convinced someone to ask for help.  

This story fails to capture my attention.  The dialogue is far too on the nose and explanatory.  Do couples who know each other well really speak in complete sentences?  My general rule is that the better two characters know each other the fewer complete sentences are needed.   Rework the dialogue so these people sound as if they have known each for years.

When you have a time jump, the usual method of telling the audience is through something on screen.  A card, a banner, something that says--TWO YEARS LATER.  If you don't tell them, they'll think it's the next day.

Best
Richard
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DanC
Posted: April 27th, 2015, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there,
    I am reading your screenplay right now.  If I find anything that I think isn't right, I will make a mention of it.  If I find a common mistake (like writing in past tense), I will only state it once, I don't want to rehash it to death.  

Here goes and good luck:

1.  Page 1, When you write a screenplay, you do so with the intent that a director, producer and actors will read it, not the public, so, you only write stuff that those people need to know.  The ageless expression of show, don't tell is true.  How does one show that the ship avoided being detected?  You don't have us going to a military base or any other spot with radar, so, you should avoid those sorts of comments.  Show us what you want, and keep to showing everyone involved in your script what they need to know.  Don't go overboard.

2.  Page 1 also, you use the word is in" Bill and his wife Janet IS settling"  You don't want to use words like is and words ending in ing b/c they slow it down and it's passive.  You want to phrase the sentence more action orientated.  For ex:  "A group of four get their belongings set up on a boat ride that has them ripe with anticipation."  Or something like that.  Then, you can go into your actors' looks.

3.  Who is Alice, you don't mention her, is she Fred's wife (whom you don't name) and where are their descriptions?  Are they old-young, white-black-chinese etc, fat-skinny, long hair-short hair?  What makes them special?  Having generic characters makes them uninteresting.

4.  You're opening dialog borders on being far too on the nose.  Where are the unspoken words that mean something?

5.  You take the easy way by saying one is a cop and a doctor.  When the action gets interesting, how much more effective would it be to show us those things, rather then tell us?

6.  No page numbers, that's kind of a big no-no.

7.  You use past tense when Alex CAUGHT them, shouldn't it be catches them?

8.  I just realized your slug line doesn't say much, boat- day.  You might want to say on dock or boat on dock.  When the boat leaves, you either have to give a new slug line or say continuous or something of that nature.  Every time there is a new location for the camera crew to set up, you have to let them know that.

9.  There is a lot wrong with this section:
"Bill took the wheel
and started up the motor. The boat coasted out into the sea. He
then sped up faster until he was at least a mile off shore. He
stopped the motor."

There are past tenses, sentence fragments etc.  This needs to be fixed.

You can get away with sentence fragments for speech, if it is part of the scene, or if you are establishing that a person speaks a certain way, but, for non-verbal parts, they have to be real sentences.  Unless you are going for a specific purpose (scary, reveal etc), then you can get away with it, but, not in this case.

10.  The dialog is far too flat.  "lets raise the sails" and "Okay Mate" don't convey anything about the story.  It's boring and a producer or anyone with cash will toss this aside before they get to the good parts.  You also don't have a new slug line to show they are in a different setting now.  They aren't by the dock.  they are at least a mile in open water.

11.  Back at the beginning, you have Janet asking if EVERYONE is okay down below, but, only Alice is below? so, why would she say it that way?

12.  The reason I went back to the beginning is b/c you give the feeling that they NEVER do this, yet, later on, you talk about how the guys KNOW this is the life and how awesome it is.  Which is it?  Are they newbies or seasoned vets?  Is this the first time that the wives went?  

Remember, EVERYTHING has to make sense, the beginning has to make sense with the middle has to make sense with the end.  It all must flow.  And so far, I don't see that.

13.  What is DNR?

14.  You have the wives far too passive.  Thus far, they fail the test that shows that the are a person that is there merely to help the men.  They have 0 personality thus far.

15.  It's dark out and you still have no new slug line.

16.  Lots of past tense words from ran to others like went.

17.  Another thing I realized:  What kind of boat is it?  Big, small etc?  To have it go around in a vortex and not break apart must be a pretty good sized boat.

18.  Why wouldn't they have the binoculars on themselves? Isn't that a must?

19.  So, they think they found an island, but, no one has called it in yet?  What is the standard protocol here?

20.  Why would they get in a dinghy (isn't that like a lifeboat)?  What is wrong with the other boat to get closer?  I'm a bit confused.

21.  So, the cop brings his gun, but, not his flashlight.  Not buying that.  And wouldn't there be flashlights on the ship in case of emergency?

22.  I hate to add on, but, your dialog is way too on the nose and far too boring.

23.  At no point thus far do we see the monsters.  They call them monsters, but, you don't describe them.  That's okay, but, we need to know why they become so scared.

24.  Now the dinghy and his boat are gone?  Really not buying it.

25.  Wait, where did the mountain come from?  You just said they saw an island.  It's nearly impossible for a mountain to be on an island.  I had created in my mind a small island.  If it isn't, you really need to describe the mountain.

26.  Really not buying the Ishtar thing either.  He leads them to a passageway that opens from nowhere?

27.  Why is man doomed in 2 years?  What will happen?  Are they waging war?

28.  A little gray creature that looks like what?  Oh, cute, it's named Gray.  Really?  Wouldn't creature be a better generic name?

29.  An old saying, if it seems too good to be true, it usually is.  Ishtar seems too good to be true.  And you don't describe the different races, or people in different time periods clothing etc.  

30.  And they have the power of gods (with Ishtar being a god), but, can't interfere?  Why?  Is something holding them back?  What difference could it possibly make to have the world leaders announce it?  And why wouldn't the four of them just be locked up with all the other insane people who have had existential encounters?

31.  The 2 years later has to be shown for the audience to know this.

32.  So, where did they all go?  Was it a different vortex?  Too many problems with this one.

I can't make much sense from it.  Sorry, but, very little of this story worked for me.

The characters have no personality.  The dialog is pretty flat.  I think there was one witty comment for the entire story.

I think the story could have been interesting.  But, how would the creatures know the future?  Did they cause that so they can take over the world?  It can be a decent story, but, everything from the past tense words, lack of slug lines, lack of good characters or dialog really hold it back.

Good luck to you.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DanC
Posted: April 27th, 2015, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I think between Richard and myself, we really give you a lot to think about.  Our comments are both spot on.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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