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On Hold by Ste Brown - Short, Drama - Sam, a depressed family man, tries to overcome his problems by volunteering at a telephone helpline. - pdf, format
Hi Ste, I'm gonna read your screenplay. I'll write down anything that I notice. If you have an ongoing issue, I will only bring it up once. No need to harp.
Good Luck, here goes:
1. Page 1, you have it go to black and go for an OS voice, curious, any reason why?
2. Page 2 you have Sam say "Isn't that gorgeous. A Lovely, lovely family" Shouldn't that be Val's statement? I'd think Sam already knows he has a lovely family.
3. I understand this is his first day, but, they do train you. Sam seems like he's had no training at all.
I finished it. I have no clue what I just read. It was good, I think.
SPOILERS. You end it like it began. Is he dead? Is she dead? Are they all dead? I honestly have no clue. Are they in a time loop? Too many questions, too few answers.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
2. Page 2 you have Sam say "Isn't that gorgeous. A Lovely, lovely family" Shouldn't that be Val's statement? I'd think Sam already knows he has a lovely family.
Bugger! Yea that's a typo. Cheers for spotting it.
3. I understand this is his first day, but, they do train you. Sam seems like he's had no training at all.
Yea, you've probably got a point there. However, I've worked in call centres before where I've just been put on the phone straight away and you just have to ask a colleague if you get stuck.
SPOILERS. You end it like it began. Is he dead? Is she dead? Are they all dead? I honestly have no clue. Are they in a time loop? Too many questions, too few answers.
More SPOILERS here. He's dead. He commited suicide and he is forced to repeat this day over and over speaking to people similar to who he has hurt through his death. The three calls are firstly, a woman who's husband has commited suicide. Second a mother. And thirdly his actual wife in a role reversal so he knows how she would have felt.
Clearly the above didn't come through in the script for you but hope that answers your questions
Let me know if you have a script you'd like read in return mate.
I picked up on Sam's suicide and how it effected Beth and her mental state, something Sam didn't take into account. I found the script pretty good but I wondered if Val existed only in Sam's (dead) mind or if she too is dead? A bit deep maybe?
overall a decent piece.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
I picked up on Sam's suicide and how it effected Beth and her mental state, something Sam didn't take into account. I found the script pretty good but I wondered if Val existed only in Sam's (dead) mind or if she too is dead? A bit deep maybe?
overall a decent piece.
Oh, It would have been really nice to have known that. I thought Beth and his son died. See, that wasn't the impression. You should expand it so that we know that. Perhaps he dies at the end of each day, then starts the next day as he started that day. I mean, why would he kill himself? What drove himself? I don't see any reason that set him off.
As for training, for some call centers, you are right, for suicide hotline, which could be the last thing that stops a person from making a bad choice, you'd get training. After all, most people would be really upset if they were responsible for a person giving in to their depression.
Like I said, good job, but, I need to see who dies and how they die, or something like that.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
we start with Sam going to his new job. mr. Johnson doesn't much work for me. Is he needed? Can you just put sam in the pod?
we get to the first call, and he's inept. How about a script they gave him to start off with? Name, number, introduction. Would they just thrust him into the job?
Second call. If she wants him to talk, why not give him some lines. Let him tell her and us about his situation.
hallucination in the bathroom. He's unstable. Works for me.
Call three is Beth committing suicide? Sounds like it.
And the reversal at the end. Beth is alive. Sam is dead.
I think this might work better if Val is with Beth at the end. Explains how she got into his dream. Also, add Mr. Johnson, perhaps an undertaker.
After reading some of the notes, the recurring day might work better if you repeat it more than once. Cut down on the chit chat and restart the day so we know something weird is happening. This is not reality.
I found the script pretty good but I wondered if Val existed only in Sam's (dead) mind or if she too is dead? A bit deep maybe?
Yea, probably a bit deep for a 10 page short but that is what I went for. Every one who 'works' at this place has killed themselves and is forced to relive this same day over and over, either as a personal hell or maybe purgatory. I was trying to avoid it all being clear what's going on but I guess I need a few more hints. One idea was to have all the other workers dead, in the way they killed themselves, in their pods when Sam returns from the toilet.
Thanks again for the read mate, let me know if you have anything new or old you'd like a read of.
After reading some of the notes, the recurring day might work better if you repeat it more than once. Cut down on the chit chat and restart the day so we know something weird is happening. This is not reality.
I really like that idea. At first when I read it I thought it would be a bit too gimmicky but I think it would work going like that. Will definitely play around with some ideas for that. I was thinking of going down the horror route anyway and I think that would be a good way to go.
Quite enjoyed this. You write well, and it's an easy read.
As per I've neglegted to read previous comments. So I don't know if I'm repeating thoughts echoed by others. If so, forgive me. You should see what I get up to on a Saturday night. And my sink's in a right state. No, that's not a euphemism.
The Female Caller should be (V.O.) I'd say. (O.S.) would imply she's in the room but off camera. It would be the same for the other callers, obviously. Hang on, if it's so obvious, why did I type it? Hmmm.
She did make me laugh out loud. Which is no easy feat. I usually sit here with a face that would scare feral dogs.
The Supers for the calls should be on the left like action text, rather than centred.
Sorry if I sound a bit of an arse.
Finished. I have to go and read the other bloody comments now to see if I'm right about what I think happened. Looks like my sink is staying full. That does sound like a euphemism.
Oooh. It was a bit deep. I rather like that. Apart from the errors I pointed to, this is very well written, and deserves a few more reads.
“He stares at his reflection as he holds his unfastened tie in both hands as it rests around his neck.”
- I'd try to refrain from using "as" twice in one sentence.
“as Mr Johnson stops, turns, then snaps his arm out to gesture to an empty pod.”
- Pedantic I know but "snaps out" seems like an odd choice of verb to describe the action.
SAM It’s my first day.
- Yikes, he definitely shouldn't say this. Not helping matters at all.
SAM Well, I’d like to think not
- Again, not the ideal response. Yes, it’s a hard job but don't they have some kind of induction process for these roles? Sam certainly needs it.
SAM I’m pleased. What would you like to talk about? You talk. I listen.
- "I'm pleased" read a bit strange. You could probably omit it although I know you want Sam to acknowledge her comment. Maybe change it to "Oh good" or "That's good"
“From one of the closed cubicles behind him BLOOD starts to flow from under the door. Sam spots it in the mirror then turns around.
He walks to the door."
SAM Hello?
- I wonder could we get more of a shocked reaction from Sam here upon seeing the blood? Any kind of reaction really as we get nothing.
When it gets psychological with the blood under the bathroom cubicle door I feared it was going to go down the well worn path of showing the torment of a man whose lost everything through shocking hallucinations. That it was all in his head, there was no office, no Val, nothing was as it seemed. The subsequent scene of Sam walking through the darkened office with only his pod illuminated and the phone ringing reinforced this anticipation of a "its all in his imagination" reveal. I mean, I'm pretty sure I've seen the image of a darkened office and ominous phone ringing before in other films. Plus, the blood under the door image is nothing new.
I figured there would be a "call" from Beth at some point and this seemed like the perfect moment and sure enough it happened. Its pretty obvious that Sam's family are not around anymore, whether they've left him or have died we're not sure yet but his forlorn expression anytime he regards the photo tells us enough. During the phone call the implication is that Beth and Michael are on the verge of death (though the moment appears relived, as if its already occurred) and the impression I got was that she killed their son. The "he's sleeping" line seemed like a euphemism. Again, this isn't a huge shock but to your defense, I don't think you intended this to be a twist, you drop us plenty of hints to get us thinking this way, that Sam is himself in mourning and could easily be on the other end of the line calling in..
So while I'm being a jaded, know-it-all presumptuous prick through all this I hoped that it wasn't going to pan out as expected...and to your credit there is a turn in he final page that's gets us questioning everything we have witnessed so far. We see Beth (dressed in black), Michael and presumably Sam's mother Margaret (this would tie in to the Elderly Female Caller) lament how Sam didn't talk to them or anybody.
I'm still not completely sure but my take away was that Sam took his own life and is now occupying some purgatory where he relives day over an over. A day in which he faces the fear that precipitated his own death and tries to (quite literally in a helpline office) talk to someone
The last line suggests some degree of hope in that he's going to give it another shot and perhaps get better each time at helping those callers, maybe even reach out to Val...or am I reaching myself here?
I'm still not completely sure but my take away was that Sam took his own life and is now occupying some purgatory where he relives day over an over. A day in which he faces the fear that precipitated his own death and tries to (quite literally in a helpline office) talk to someone
The last line suggests some degree of hope in that he's going to give it another shot and perhaps get better each time at helping those callers, maybe even reach out to Val...or am I reaching myself here?
Pretty much bang on there. I tried to enhance the 'twist' by maybe making the earlier parts of the script a little predictable so that's something that may need tweaking.
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