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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Deuce - OWC
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  Author    The Deuce - OWC  (currently 4681 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Deuce by ? - Short, Drama, Thriller - An elevator and two guys on their way up. What can go down? 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Iancou
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm. Different. Had a Quentin Tarantino feel to it, except the characters weren't eccentric enough. Now, from a technical standpoint, well written with only minor issues in spelling. For example,...


Quoted Text
Heís forty, podgy, balding and in a dressing gown. Bruises on...


Should read 'pudgy'.

The only other issue was a hint of danger when the elevator stops at a different floor. I almost expected some killer, supernatural something or other, or an unexpected attack, but nothing. They merely went on their way. The whole sequence appeared to be unnecessary and seemed to add nothing to the story. If I missed something, anybody catch it?

Finally, the logline states two guys, but with Dom/David, that makes three.

Ian


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JSimon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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what I liked:

- itís generally well written except for the clarity issues that come up below. This happens in OWCs with deadlines, but it can spoil the story
- the ending is a clever idea, though itís missing something. How is beating up this guy gonna make him look like the Deuce? Maybe the Deuce should have a missing eye or something?


suggestions to improve:

- I had to read page 6 three times and almost quit the story because of it. It was very unclear to me until closer read that Joey even left the elevator. -- Joey jumps with alarm. Dom watches him head out of view-- That needs to be more clear the reader. I mean itís there, but weíre reading a lot of scripts, action for important things like a character exiting needs to be crystal
- then we have this: Fuck. ďDid you do you that?Ēright after, and I have no idea what Chrissy is talking about. Iíve reread it 3 times and I have no idea. This stuff fatal to a script. Little things like this can sink a good story because things are not clear to the reader, which makes him work waaaay too hard.

filming potential:

affordable, with much tweaking might be worth considering


investment in story and characters:

making Joe a sympathetic goon almost makes him sympathetic

Comments:

- The type who could chew a toothpick without looking stupid. I donít know what that means, but I appreciate the effort!
- Chrissy is an odd name for a guy in my neck of the forest
- Joey is very worried about the victim for a hit man. And then at the end he doesnít mind hitting an innocent man.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Pretty good.

SPOILERS

Simple, a little obvious as an idea, but I liked it. Nice little finish. Indeed, I think that is a very sound finish.

When dealing with banter, a couple of 'guys' ion a job etc, it can be wearing etc but I think you handled this in an accomplished manner.

Ok, we could point at a few holes, but decent work.

Well done.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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It was okay.  It didn't work for me.  It took to long to get to the point at the end.

6/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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RickFyvie
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Another quick read with realistic overtones. Definitely easy to shoot on a budget and fits the theme well.  This one has a ĎDown Underí flavor to it; at least, thatís where the wounded Kangaroo took me.

I watched a Sponge Bob episode (thatís right), where Squidward was smashed in the face with a door so hard, he came out looking like an Adonis, I fear Domís fate may not produce the same results; poor guy, in the wrong place at the wrong time I presume.

His (Domís) dialog also suffered a bit IMO. He just seemed to be too nonchalant in his approach, whereas most people in that situation would come off as sniveling fools and such. Other than that nitpick, this had a cool and suave atmosphere that would shine if you found the right goons for the part.
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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One minor comment - I really didn't like the character name of CHRISSY - took me a few moments to realize that it was a male rather than a female.

In terms of the story itself - although I thought the ending was very clever - I thought it took way too long to get there without a lot if interesting stuff happening in between.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
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Well written in the main, but there's a few odd choices for words in the dialogue that don't seem in keeping with the characters... e.g. Lordy, ravish, so base.

Dom seems a little casual with his predicament, imho there should be begging and pleading!

The mistaken identity is funny and works well, the end line is funny, if not a little un realistic as they'll get found out that he's not the Deuce... or is that me over analysing

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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The OVER BLACK stuff seemed a bit too specific.  Iíd wonder if itís all that necessary?  


One of the more entertaining reads.  Natural feeling character interaction. A twist in the growing doubts as to Dom being the right guy. A darkly comic ending.  A lot to here to heighten the read.

You conveyed a great sense of rising tension with the elevator stopping at the deserted foyers -- only for it go nowhere!  Felt like a wasted opportunity as you really had me (and no doubt others) wanting to know where that was all leading.

Ending works at face value, but not one to dwell on.  Iíd think something, a hint as to how they plan to remedy their mistake with the boss wouldíve sealed that angle.

Entertaining premise and characters.  Had you capitalised on the tension you created this could have been a slam-dunk.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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wonkavite
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Rather liked this one.  A very smooth, obviously experienced writer.  (I'm guessing English, but that could be a diversion.)  Well done, fun.  Solid flowing dialogue.  It's too early in the reading process for me to tell if this is one of my favorites... but it's certainly a contender.  
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RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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this one works, although I didn't see the need for running out when there's a sound.  Nothing comes of it, and I'm a stickler for making every word and action count.  Otherwise, this is very readable and works well.  I even like their improvisation.

Best
Richard
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on entering.

You describe JOEY as "almost always scowling".  How do we know this?  Shouldn't be in the description.  Don't like the description of DOM and then saying, "This is DOM."  Should name him, then describe him.  It will read better.  You said Chrissy was calm, then he said to the other guy "calm down", then you said he was "as calm as it gets" all in one page.  Should fix that.  Also, things like "fidgets with impatience" and the like are all throughout the script.  Just say he fidgets.  

A bit nit-picky but when you have them go out of the elevator when Dom is awake and Crissy comes back to drag Dom back in, the doors closed (on top of the fact that the doors stayed open longer than any elevator I know of) he hears noises again.  Did the doors open again?  Are they on or off the elevator at this point?  Need to clear all of that up.

In the end, I liked it.  Didn't like the dialogue at first but it picked up and each character was defined.  Kind of reminded my of Sam Jackson and Travolta characters in Pulp Fiction.  It would suck to be Dom!!  Clear up some of the above, and it's not to expensive to film.  Good luck with this one.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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LC
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Very cleverly crafted this one - perhaps the lack of reads is due to it being too subtle for some but I think on screen (with a couple of tweaks/additions) this'd work a treat.

SPOILERS BELOW:

Great opening - nice tension evoked and I could really picture it all playing out on screen. Here we have a couple of goons and a kidnapped man - (also beaten up), about to get on elevator to meet the boss-man and then they panic when they realize they've got the wrong guy. Priceless.

There's a few really nice chuckle out loud moments in this, complete with back and forth banter and insults between Joey and Chrissy.

I suspect a few of the asides people will either love or hate, but I think they're in keeping with the overall tone of the piece and they add colour imh.

Dom attempting to escape creates suspense as does the elevator opening at random times on random floors, but I think perhaps a bit more could have been done with this and you really should do it after the OWC, i.e., repost it in 'Shorts'.

JOEY
Thereís no need to be so, so base.


This is great characterization - elevates it so the goons are not one-dimensional with their dialogue. When you inject little touches like this I do think it takes the characters to another level (little elevator pun there too ) - Even the dumbest guy will pick up some highfalutin words every now and again, even a not too bright gangster, and if this story was longer I imagine a few of those words or phrases would creep in and be part of this character's repertoire, so good job there.

The bossman - John Feltz - who we never see - that's a good touch and all part of a nicely thought out narrative.

As for the character's name - Chrissy (which Dave commented on) this is what I imagine gangsters do, as with real life - the guy's real name is probably Christopher but here it's shortened - it's about being mates and camaraderie. It might pull some up when reading but on screen I reckon it would work really well.

Loved the visual of Dom in dressing gown and one slipper - conjures up him being nabbed while probably enjoying a nice quiet night in with his wife in front of the telly.

This is obviously written by someone who knows his or her stuff. Ticks all the boxes as far as 'in and around an elevator' and is definitely low budget. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

You woulda' definitely  had a 'recommend' from me if I could vote.


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khamanna
Posted: May 27th, 2015, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one.

I liked the fact that everything is explained and I don't have questions at the end.
The writing helped - I didn't have questions here, everything was easy to visualize. And thank you for not breaking the dialog with action every other line - I see that a lot lately, but not here

Funny at places - a kind of funny that only compliments this kind of script.

The only thing I didn't get - I don't know what they meant at the end, didn't get the last line. It kind of has abrupt ending for me. Still it's a very nice short, a fun read actually.
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Stumpzian
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 6:27am Report to Moderator
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Well-constructed, excellent premise, perfect ending.

The interplay between Joey and Chrissy is funny, authentic.

A couple of lines seemed off ("No need to be so base" and "why've you bound me?"). However, once I read an earlier comment about the former (from  LC), I buy it.

The pace slows toward the middle with the stop, but I think it's a misdirection that makes the ending more effective.

Names are great: Dom, Chrissy.

Overall: Thumbs up.



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