SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 23rd, 2017, 8:59am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
The Scripts of the April '17 OWC are live!


Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Saturn Method - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Saturn Method - OWC  (currently 3400 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:26am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11085
Posts Per Day
1.87
The Saturn Method by John Robbins & Steven Clark writing as  - Short, Comedy - On an elevator, a sleazy underdog rivals a professional "pick-up artist" in a battle of egos. 14 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  August 4th, 2015, 12:52pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
Green


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
907
Posts Per Day
1.20
That was a lot of stuff for a setup for a joke.

No spoilers, I promise.  But, it appeared to me that the entire gist of the story was to set up that ending.

It was a pretty fast easy read, but, eh, I just didn't care for it.

It was corny, but, not corny in a good way.  It seemed a bit forced.

5.5/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 50
eldave1
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2111
Posts Per Day
2.12
The first two pages are set no where near an elevator - or a building for that matter.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 50
pale yellow
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
1751
Posts Per Day
0.89
Maybe it's me but I'm starting out confused on this one. First he's in the elevator watching informercials then he's not in the elevator. Gaps like this take me out of a story real fast. Then that Ava park scene in between. What was that? I thought the challenge was IN an elevator?

Then a large part of this feels like talking heads...talking for no reason. I'm sorry ...tried...bailing about half way through this...

... but it's good on you for writing 12 pages. Good job completing an OWC.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 50
Simon
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
Red


English, self taught comedy writer

Location
London
Posts
97
Posts Per Day
0.14
Funny, but maybe a bit of a cliched story about picking up women? I liked it, though. A very small criticism, but I thought the 'tasty potato salad' line was a bit silly. If you deleted the word 'tasty', it would be less silly, in my opinion. I'm impressed you wrote this within a week.


Read Expired Food by me, you'll love it. :O
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 50
DustinBowcot
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



That was good. The best so far. Well orchestrated, well told.

8 out of 10.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 50
stevie
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Down Under
Posts
2737
Posts Per Day
0.88
Another one this breaks the location requirements? I read the comments first so will leave it


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 50
Iancou
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 7:53am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
165
Posts Per Day
0.13
Okay, point taken on the first few comments, however, it was elevator focused for the most part and was well-written considering the short time given to write it. However, with more time to polish the piece, there could be something to it and easy to film with minimal cost.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 50
Max
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 8:52am Report to Moderator
Green


BOSS STATUS

Location
UK
Posts
673
Posts Per Day
0.22
This was a fantastic read but I thought we were restricted to the elevator only? I know it's an infomercial on a phone but I thought even stuff like that would be against the rules... which is why I didn't use flashbacks in my script and scrapped an original idea I had.

CITY PARK is another location, it's another scene header... and not in or around the elevator.

The majority of the script does take place in the elevator but for me... it's kind of outside the rules of the challenge... so was Great White.

That being said, arguably the best entry I've read so far.

It's a smooth, slick piece of work... props.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 50
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:36am Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
348
Posts Per Day
0.21
Congrats on entering contest!

Kind of corny story but maybe some guys would find it funny.  Written okay and the "twist" wasn't that surprising but it worked.  HORNBALLS?  Of course I know what you mean, but should always make things clear in your script.  Did Bryan pull out his junk in the elevator?  Is that considered a spoiler?  Sorry.  Again, not for me but that doesn't mean it isn't good.  Good luck with it.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 50
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:46pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1234
Posts Per Day
0.51
The start of this - the Saturn commercial isn't needed. It's clearly established Bryan is a fan of this dating guru personality. Having Bryan already in the elevator while the commercial plays on his phone which he's seen many times - would take about a minute. It doesn't quite work. That said, my eyes rolled a little at the "bet" premise of the story. Such tropes risk that the story gets too contrived. Another problem with the premise is more than obvious - Saturn is very popular on You Tube so he says. Since none of the women seem to know him, this claim is suspect. (Note: he is an ACTOR in a commercial) Later, the mention of cinematography brings me out a little, as it reminds me this is a film I'm not including the use of called shots, but you want to watch that too.


Also, the story is played for laughs. That works against you, because while the premise is sexist and both our male leads are sleazy, "Candy" stops by with her tales of woe and I'm like "drug addiction? rape? torture? This is funny?


Quoted Text
SATURN
Such a tragic virus.


Autism isn't a virus. It is a developmental disorder. Meg's reaction, therefore, isn't true since she would know this.(and that's not all -why would Meg put in her phone number on Saturn's phone while he clearly has his wedding band on?)

Bryan exposes himself to Veronica. Ha Ha Ha! She gives him her phone number! Ha Ha Ha! Excuse the mess, I'm about to hurl.

Candy gets busted. We discover that she and Saturn have a scam going on. She also DOES have a dominatrix gig on the side - just keep it to the scam)  I suppose it might be something if all the women were in on it which would explain why they come off as airheads.

Symbols, shorthand and/or abbreviations - never been a fan of these in scripts. $ and # mean absolutely nothing in scripts but just an excessive bit of typing. In dialog symbols aren't spoken either so they aren't needed.

Very juvenile, lazy and without substance.
Characters are cardboard and cliched.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 10 - 50
JSimon
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 4:43am Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
107
Posts Per Day
0.15
Not really feeling the comedy or appreciating the jokes. Sorry.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 50
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 6:51am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
UK
Posts
966
Posts Per Day
0.67
I don’t’ know about anyone else but I’m finding it fascinating reading the comments on each of these. Each entry has such a broad spectrum of reactions; from ‘best thing ever’ to ‘worst thing I’ve ever read’ and everything in between. It really does show a lot of it is down to personal opinion.

This particular sleazy tale left me with every reaction. Parts of it I really liked and found amusing. Then you’d lose me and I’d be wanting to bail, but then you’d pull me back in with a line like ‘Blondes overruled.  There's no evidence to support they're more promiscuous.’ Lol!

As soon as Red entered the elevator I knew where the story was heading so overall it didn’t work for me but parts of it did…and then parts of it didn’t and then parts of it did…etc…etc..

I’m confused.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 50
RichardR
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 7:56am Report to Moderator
Green


Posts
920
Posts Per Day
1.01
This one left me cool.  The infomercial seemed a waste of time.  The battle these two engage in is a bit juvenile, and the bimbos in the elevator don't seem to have much personality.  And these two get the cues right every time.  Hmmm, does it work that way in real life?  Maybe for Sherlock, but I would prefer they get it wrong and lose but have to keep trying.  The redhead's scam doesn't work for me.  It's pretty lame, and these airheads fall for it...nope.  I understand this is a one week write, so there is some fudge room.  It would work better if they failed, and if they got played better.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 50
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
UK
Posts
2211
Posts Per Day
1.75
Sorry didn't work for me though some of the banter was okay.

I think this only works as funny if the techniques Saturn and Bryan use are actually clever, they're not and it relies on them meeting completely stupid (and unrealistic) women.

Last line about Redheads did raise a smile,

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 50
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006