Eight Five Two Six by Max Smart - Short, Drama - Mark Berken grapples with a mental illness, while his colleagues are in the dark as to what is about to unfold, an event which will change the lives of 144 people and their families - forever. 13 pages - pdf, format

I read this for him.  It's good, fast, but, troubling read of the ill-fated flight.

We don't know any of the why he did what he did, but, this explores some ideas.  

It would be expensive to shoot, b/c you need a plane, uniforms etc.  

It's a good story, just very troubling...

Good luck Max.  You are certainly getting better.

Dan

Hi, Max.

I read your short. It was very interesting and, of course, it reminds one of the fatal plane crush that occurred a few weeks ago with the co-pilot Andreas Lubitz hiding his mental illness.


p.15  you' ve got the speaking character MARK twice.

I thought it was clever, a very good idea, but as has already been said, difficult to shoot, considering the budget involved.

Keep up the good work!

Christina.

Thanks for picking up that little error Christina.

I'd have liked to have seen Patrick trying to break into the cockpit. Maybe in strobe-like flashes, accompanied with terrified screams of the passengers, another shot of the kid from earlier who banged the oxygen mask down being soothed by mommy. Even so, that would probably be done in the final edit.

I also think you should write in dialogue what Mark is saying, even if it is in Latin. I know you know how to research.

Great though. Excellent writing throughout, the occasional 'begins' the occasional unnecessary 'down' but other than that excellent writing.

The 18 pages flew by. Great stuff, mate.

Thanks Dustin.

Yeah, the ending could've been tweaked a little but for some reason, I thought it would be more haunting to leave it up to your imagination.

I know that seems lazy but the FADE TO BLACK and the text seems like it would be more chilling to me.

You ever seen "Hamburg Cell"? That sort of ending, where you know what happens next.

Yeah it works well as is. Just something for you and the director to think about should this ever get filmed.

Not as hard as people may think. You don't really need a physical plane. Shots at the airport are easy enough to get hold of. What's needed really is a set that looks like the inside of a plane... and you can rent them: http://aeromockups.com/

The rest can be done with stock footage even and some fancy cuts to blend it all together.

Still cost money, but perhaps not as out of range as people think.

Max,

read all comments as if they're semi-topical.


This one is ripped from the headlines.  Copilot, suffering from mental illness, decides to take down the plane.  It's a nice little study.  I had trouble with the guy on the street who talks to Patrick.  What does he add?  And i'll add my usual caveat about coincidence.  

Generally, on the planes I've flown in, the pilots do not mingle with the passengers as they stow luggage.  The fewer people in the aisles, the better.  And the pilots always board first.  But that's a small thing.

All in all, this is a good tale.  I don't mind that we don't know what he says in latin.  Without a translation, it would be lost on most of the audience anyway.  

Best
Richard

Quoted from RichardR Max, read all comments as if they're semi-topical. This one is ripped from the headlines.  Copilot, suffering from mental illness, decides to take down the plane.  It's a nice little study.  I had trouble with the guy on the street who talks to Patrick.  What does he add?  And i'll add my usual caveat about coincidence.   Generally, on the planes I've flown in, the pilots do not mingle with the passengers as they stow luggage.  The fewer people in the aisles, the better.  And the pilots always board first.  But that's a small thing. All in all, this is a good tale.  I don't mind that we don't know what he says in latin.  Without a translation, it would be lost on most of the audience anyway.   Best Richard

Cheers for the feedback.

Yes, it is based on the events which occurred on 24th March 2015, I decided to create my own drama within the scope of that event.

Basically, I'll try and explain where I wanted to go with this piece.

WITH REGARDS TO THE FLASHBACK

Xabier was there as a sort of, warning in disguise.  Patrick didn't take him seriously however, and dismissed him as a "loon"

This was prior to them arriving at the parking lot and boarding the plane.  Patrick was going to ask Mark about Xabier on the plane, but he just says "nevermind".  Even before that, he sensed that something was wrong in the SUV but he didn't question Mark.

Xabier's discussion with Patrick was there to highlight that there was an underlying issue with Mark, it was to further solidify that Mark was dealing with some issues.

There is some other things I included, some subtleties which may or may not have been noticed.

Mark Berken was only on the plane that day because David, the other co-pilot was ill.  It was another thing to think about in terms of "This wouldn't have happened if David wasn't ill that day"

There was an error which Christina pointed out, MARK speaks TWICE.  He apologizes to Patrick in the cockpit, and Patrick takes that apology for something else, when really Mark is apologizing in advance because he's going to crash the plane.

I threw in the crucifix, perhaps suggesting that religious beliefs may have played a part here, or had some factor in him deciding to do what he did.  I added the Latin later on because I thought it would be another creepy thing to include.

The phone cuts out before Patrick can tell Claire that he loves her, I thought that would be a tragic thing to add, a last goodbye that never happened.

Of course there is a plenty of other things in there, the dazes, the boiling kettle was there to build some anxiety, he turns it off and returns to what he was doing, in a calculated manner.

That's basically it, I might've forgotten to mention a few things here and there but I tried to give meaning to everything.

Oh yeah, and the fact that the doctor just blew this guy off with nausea medication and didn't think to ask anymore questions, that was on purpose.

Quoted from RichardR I don't mind that we don't know what he says in latin.  Without a translation, it would be lost on most of the audience anyway.

That's not the point. Are you suggesting that the Director does the writer's job? Or perhaps the actor should do it? If the writer wants the guy to say something in Latin, they shouldn't just write that the actor says something in Latin they should write exactly what is said. It should also be researched so that there is perhaps irony or something that relates in the prayer.

I would've fucked up the Latin anyway, truesay.

Looking at the BBC screenplay format template, I could've just put something like...

NOTE: THE DIALOGUE IN THIS SCENE IS SPOKEN IN LATIN AND SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH.

Or something like that.

I wouldn't go so far as to write the language out because it's not a case of copying and pasting the words next to each other, or using an internet translator.

I see what you mean, I could've perhaps done a bit of research on how Latin is spoken ect. but I just dismissed it, as it was added at the last minute for effect.

Then get rid of it. Write what you know. It comes across as lazy at the moment. How's the director or actors supposed to know? They would have to employ a researcher just for that bit. They'd rather cut it, or ask you to write something you do know. Perhaps a prayer in English.

The Latin is probably a little OTT anyway.

Yah, fair play.

Max,

Read this last night, let it sink in.

I think you succeeded with Mark. He was creepy, and above all else his character stood out. Only I wish you could've given us a little more background as to what his troubles really were. You alluded to his meds at the Dr. But I don't recall if we knew wlexactly what was troubling him. But he was good.

You had a sympathetic protagonist in Patrick, if you want to call him that. Protagonist by default I guess. He was good too, but you lost me a little with his flirtations with Sarah. I mean, I guess that's a reality, so it's not far off base. But he seemed like a pretty good family man nonetheless.

Can you explain to me the thing with the dog? The dog was mentioned earlier in the script, then we went back to the guy walking the dog as Patrick was picking up Mark. Some meaning about the earlier mention. Maybe I missed something.

If that indeed was necessary to the script, then so be it. Without it you cut this down to a more readable page length.

Also, the ending over black. I think you could have made mention exactly what happened tonte plane that day for those if us who are not familiar with the outcome. 144 people dead, but how?

That being said, not a bad script. Memorable - especially Mark. Good job.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Max, Read this last night, let it sink in. I think you succeeded with Mark. He was creepy, and above all else his character stood out. Only I wish you could've given us a little more background as to what his troubles really were. You alluded to his meds at the Dr. But I don't recall if we knew wlexactly what was troubling him. But he was good. You had a sympathetic protagonist in Patrick, if you want to call him that. Protagonist by default I guess. He was good too, but you lost me a little with his flirtations with Sarah. I mean, I guess that's a reality, so it's not far off base. But he seemed like a pretty good family man nonetheless. Can you explain to me the thing with the dog? The dog was mentioned earlier in the script, then we went back to the guy walking the dog as Patrick was picking up Mark. Some meaning about the earlier mention. Maybe I missed something. If that indeed was necessary to the script, then so be it. Without it you cut this down to a more readable page length. Also, the ending over black. I think you could have made mention exactly what happened tonte plane that day for those if us who are not familiar with the outcome. 144 people dead, but how? That being said, not a bad script. Memorable - especially Mark. Good job. Steve

Cheers for the feedback lol, I wasn't expecting anyone else to read this to be honest.

Patrick was going to bring up Xabier to Mark but he changed his mind.  In the FLASHBACK we see Xabier telling Patrick about an incident at a restaurant where Mark smashed a glass, Patrick dismisses this however.

Xabier was like a warning in disguise, Patrick took no notice, maybe if he would've questioned Mark about the incident things would've turned out differently that day.

He sensed something was wrong in the SUV before they boarded the plane but it went no further than that.

With regards to the ending, perhaps it's not clear if you're not familiar with the real life incident but I'd like to think the locking of the cockpit door was enough to seal the deal, the crucifix, the latin prayer, the earlier flashback where he's googling images.

The flirting with Sarah was friendly, it was just a bit of extra human interaction.

I appreciate the read brother, it won't be to everybody's taste but I'm glad you liked it, somewhat.