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JX2000 by Paul Nash - Short, Comedy - Whilst working late one night FELIX, the archetypal office underling, accidentally stumbles upon the managerial bathroom... Before him is the JX2000, a pristine slice of far eastern technology - that just happens to be a pink toilet. Its seductive female voice entrances him - he can think of nothing else - and so begins the tragic story of a broken man and the toilet that spurned him. 9 pages - pdf, format
A lovely little comedy you’ve written here. I love the JX2000 toilet! I smiled every time it said one of it’s repetitive, silly statements and can just imagine those crazy Japanese inventing such a toilet lol! I want one!
I had no trouble understanding the script, it flowed nice and smoothly for me. One point, you keep on telling us instead of showing us or telling us and then showing us as well. For example you tell us Felix needs a piss and then show us this, you tell us he is on the managerial level and then the next slugline repeats this. The script has such thingies littered throughout but it’s easily fixed.
The transition from toilet fascination to insane lavatory love affair is a drastic shift and I didn’t enjoy the last few pages as much. His decent into mental breakdown is a bit obvious. It would have been nice to see this go in some other direction but I still enjoyed it.
Nicely done!
-Mark
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Hi Robert and Paul I'm gonna read your screenplay and will make comments as I see them.
1. You say Felix hangs up with his girlfriend. But, the viewers won't know that.
2. page 2, you write: He can barely concentrate he's so tired. shouldn't there be a comma or a word between concentrate and he's? so, tate, he's or tate because he's?
3. Why make the voice in Japanese so that no one will understand it? You don't state subtitles, so, the viewers won't know what's being said.
4. I could see if the toilet looked like a woman, but... This is odd
5. ummmm
I'm not sure I can say more then that.
WOWOWOWOWO
this was bizarre,
I think I'm almost done
Nope WOWOOWOWOW, oh, I said that. Charles Manson is saying WOW, that's some crazy stuff.
Thank god he didn't give her too much crap.
Is that too soon???
I think i'm done now.
No, yes, no, yes, no yes.
I win.
Dude, what drugs are you on? And can I get some?
I need to know one thing: WHERE DID YOU GET THE IDEA?
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
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JX2000 - Optioned
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