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Don
Posted: June 18th, 2015, 6:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Right Back by R. E. McManus - Short, Drama - Tough times for Terry. Then he meets a stranger who seems kindly. Will the tough times stop? 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Brody
Posted: June 18th, 2015, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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A well-written, quick & easy read.  
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rendevous
Posted: June 19th, 2015, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Brody

A well-written, quick & easy read.  


Thanks, Brody. Obviously I have to agree thoroughly with everything you said there. Spot on. How's life these days after all that terrible shark business, chief?

I'd like to see what others thought, reads returned, naturally. PM me if you've specific scripts in mind.

I'll suspend the naughty step and spoon, for most at least.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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Other scripts here

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
rendevous  -  June 19th, 2015, 5:41am
Tie pohs - never post from a tablet - feck's sake.
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GreenGecko
Posted: June 19th, 2015, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Good stuff. Atmospheric. Will's dialogue is maybe a little too fancy.

Will mentions that Terry will be alive ten days unless he decides to kill himself. Would that imply that Will knows that Terry is capable of some motor function for at least a couple more minutes? And yet, they just leave him alone to possibly find a way to incriminate them? I guess he wouldn't even be able to blink by the time he gets hospitalized? Totally nitpicking, but I don't know.

The rest is just my personal take on the story. I don't like the direction it took. We all can feel a con being set up by Will, and then it happens. And at that point, it becomes silly. I think the line that kills it is "A unique little poison I cooked up myself." Like why is this guy who is concocting poisons that even doctors can't find even in the same crowd as this degenerate? What situation would bring Will's wife to fuck Terry? I guess maybe I personally wanted some heartfelt talky drama, but it ended in cartoon violence and crime.

I don't mean that harshly, I did like it.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: June 19th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Rend,

Not bad once it kicked in. A little bit much on the tell in the end. More of the video or photo shots of him doing the dirty deed could have helped, but good stuff.

Enjoyed.

Tony
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Brody
Posted: June 19th, 2015, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous


I'll suspend the naughty step and spoon, for most at least.

R


Like I give a rip.    
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Dustin
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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I loved the opening to this. Very interesting characters and realistic to me despite the comedic tone.

Loved this line:

Code

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.



Really helped to suck me in to the story. I enjoyed the interaction between Terry and Will. I at first imagined that Will wasn't known to Terry, that they'd just met... so it came as a bit of a surprise when it turned out they knew each other quite well. It did spoil things for me a little, but that's probably my fault for reading into things.

I don't mind the poison, in my latest story I've used a curse, I think anything can fly in story land, quite literally if you want it to, so I'm always prepared to forgive things that may not make sense in this world. Maybe he Googled it. But you could mention something about Google being an amazing thing and only hint at the poison without being specific if you wanted to.

The end did jar with me a little but only because I so enjoyed the build up and it seemed like a sudden shift in tone that I needed to adjust to to continue my enjoyment.

As usual, I've just read this, and sometimes stories take their time to work their way in, so I'll think on this some more. See if I can think of anything constructive to say.

Nice work mate. The writing is impeccable and the characterisations spot on. I love the comedic tone that you write with. It's sometimes difficult to know when you're being serious, if indeed, you ever are.
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rendevous
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Thanks for the reads so far. I'll respond to each in turn. As Neo once said, on top of a lift if memory serves, 'there is no spoon'.


Quoted from GreenGecko
Good stuff. Atmospheric. Will's dialogue is maybe a little too fancy.


GreenGecko with orange avatar,

Thanks. And maybe. Naturally I would have preferred that sentence a lot more if you'd omitted the words 'maybe a little too', but I take your point.


Quoted from GreenGecko
Will mentions that Terry will be alive ten days unless he decides to kill himself. Would that imply that Will knows that Terry is capable of some motor function for at least a couple more minutes?


Indeed. Spoilers ahead. But if you've read this far then chances are you've already read the script, or aren't gonna bother. You're missing out if that's so. Honest. No, really. It's great. Knocks William Goldman down there with E.L. James.

Terry can't speak, and his fingers and toes are curled up. Plus, he's having terrible trouble getting it up. Not that he is at the moment. He'll have motor function for quite a few hours at least, I'm no doctor though.


Quoted from GreenGecko
And yet, they just leave him alone to possibly find a way to incriminate them? I guess he wouldn't even be able to blink by the time he gets hospitalized? Totally nitpicking, but I don't know.


Hmm, I'd have to go along with nitpicking there. It's a story. It certainly ain't The Godfather, or Game of Thrones. But even those can be nitpicked. Watch James Caan as Sonny Corleone beat up his brother in law on the street near those bins. He fakes a punch that's at least two feet short.

Anyway, to them, Barman & Will I mean, Terry is fucked and their work is done. They fucked the fucker. And they don't hold him in the highest estimation, that much is clear. The last thing they expect is the reveal at the end. It quite surprised me, and I wrote it.


Quoted from GreenGecko
The rest is just my personal take on the story. I don't like the direction it took.


Oh dear. I see similar things in other comments. Usually at this point I'd be pointing towards the naughty corner with a spoon so you could reconsider, but I promised I wouldn't. Do carry on, as I'd genuinely like to know when it turned for you...


Quoted from GreenGecko
We all can feel a con being set up by Will, and then it happens. And at that point, it becomes silly. I think the line that kills it is "A unique little poison I cooked up myself." Like why is this guy who is concocting poisons that even doctors can't find even in the same crowd as this degenerate?


There's loads of poisons. Loads. Anything can become a poison if you take too much of it. Doctors, or rather pathologists, only look for certain things. The usual stuff. They ain't expecting the unusual or rare, why would they be? That's what I think. And I'm sticking to it.

Will's story is he's interested in stuff along those lines. His wife is shagging another man, who is also shagging his mate's wife. He's got time on his hands, things to do and the brains to do it. People have done stranger things.


Quoted from GreenGecko
What situation would bring Will's wife to fuck Terry? I guess maybe I personally wanted some heartfelt talky drama, but it ended in cartoon violence and crime.


Oh dear. I heard a sentiment from a female I know that went along the same lines. I think all sorts of people are doing all sorts of stuff behind backs. I disagree with the cartoon voilence. There wasn't any violence. You're thinking of Wile E. Coyote. Beep, beep. And who can blame you? I thought it was quite a dark tale with comic tones. The way I like them.


Quoted from GreenGecko
I don't mean that harshly, I did like it.


I'm glad you said that. It did sound a bit harsh. Glad you liked it though. Stuff like that means something. Thanks for the read, GG.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Rend,

Not bad once it kicked in. A little bit much on the tell in the end. More of the video or photo shots of him doing the dirty deed could have helped, but good stuff.

Enjoyed.

Tony


Thanks Tony. I'm not sure I agree on some of your points, but to argue further seems churlish, as you enjoyed it. And that's the main thing.

Many thanks.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
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Onto...


Quoted from Dustin
I loved the opening to this. Very interesting characters and realistic to me despite the comedic tone.


Despite it? I thought it was one of the highlights.


Quoted from Dustin
Loved this line:

Code

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.



Really helped to suck me in to the story.


Thanks. I'm rather fond of that one myself. One of my better efforts. Pity there's not more like it.


Quoted from Dustin
I enjoyed the interaction between Terry and Will. I at first imagined that Will wasn't known to Terry, that they'd just met... so it came as a bit of a surprise when it turned out they knew each other quite well.  


I know I'm often an argumentative little fuck, but I don't think they know each other quite well. Terry knows Will's wife well, in the biblical sense. And Will knows what Terry's up to. But that's about it for these two.


Quoted from Dustin
It did spoil things for me a little, but that's probably my fault for reading into things.


Hopefully my previous explanation may help with this.


Quoted from Dustin
I don't mind the poison, in my latest story I've used a curse, I think anything can fly in story land, quite literally if you want it to, so I'm always prepared to forgive things that may not make sense in this world.  


Poison seemed appropriate for Will. The type of thing that type of guy would do. Hardly the most original story choice, I know. But I thought it worked. Watched a few documentaries of late about settlers in the US and Australia. The amount of poisoners was astonishing after a poison related story appeared in a national newspaper.

Erm, not sure what point I set out to make there. So I'm move on quickly, before anyone notices.


Quoted from Dustin
Maybe he Googled it. But you could mention something about Google being an amazing thing and only hint at the poison without being specific if you wanted to.


I would. But it'd hurt. I fecking hate Google. Tax dodging advertising 'don't be evil' corporate hypocrite barstards. Brilliant software though, and all the rest of it. Just like Apple. But I'd rather slam my fingers in the door with my trousers round my ankles than plug them. Ooh, time to get off my box and get with it.

I take your point. You're probably onto someting there. In an early draft there was a bit more of that, but it felt a bit too coy. Like the BBC when they're onto something.


Quoted from Dustin
The end did jar with me a little but only because I so enjoyed the build up and it seemed like a sudden shift in tone that I needed to adjust to to continue my enjoyment.


I'm kinda with you there. I think it's nearly right, the story that is, but not quite. Probably a little too talky now and again, like its author.


Quoted from Dustin
As usual, I've just read this, and sometimes stories take their time to work their way in, so I'll think on this some more. See if I can think of anything constructive to say.


Good man. I'll look forward to it. Seriously.


Quoted from Dustin
As usual, I've just read this, and sometimes stories take their Nice work mate. The writing is impeccable and the characterisations spot on. I love the comedic tone that you write with. It's sometimes difficult to know when you're being serious, if indeed, you ever are.


I am sometimes serious, though I have to admit, it ain't often.

I'm deadly serious when I'm giving about spoons and pointing people over to the naughty step so they can stare at their reflections in them and think about what they've done.

Oh dear. Didn't last long, did it?

Many thanks, some kind words there. They mean a lot. Serious.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  June 21st, 2015, 11:10pm
Thai pies. Can't even spell that right.
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stevemiles
Posted: June 22nd, 2015, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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Ren,

‘...probably once a copper. Got that look.’  

‘Quiet the night’ -- slightly odd phrasing, to my ears at least.

Darkly comic bit of revenge.  Subtly handled character interactions and some well placed nuances give it a natural feel.  As to the pub, it's like you know that place well...  

Terry still trying to finish his pint despite the poison gave me a laugh -- a man with principles...  

Though him secretly recording the 'confession' felt a bit too familiar for my liking.  Not even sure how he managed it with the poison starting to take effect -- though that’s niggle territory right there...  

A hint as to how Will would have the know-how to create such a poison wouldn’t hurt -- something in his background or profession..?  

Enjoyable read nonetheless.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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rendevous
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Quoted from stevemiles
Ren,


Steve,

Good to hear from you. When I see your name I always think of that song by The Who. No, not My Generation. Silly. I Can See For Miles. Then I think of Townshend sliding towards camera on his knees whilst windmilling on stage. Like a kid at a wedding reception.


Quoted from stevemiles
‘...probably once a copper. Got that look.’  

‘Quiet the night’ -- slightly odd phrasing, to my ears at least.


The latter is a phrase I've often heard in Irish pubs. And a few English ones. I just thought it'd be more interesting than the usual 'Quiet tonight.'

The former phrase sounds fine to my dainty ears. Heard it said all over the place, particularly in pubs where scallies are ever vigilant of law on their turf.


Quoted from stevemiles
Darkly comic bit of revenge.  Subtly handled character interactions and some well placed nuances give it a natural feel.  As to the pub, it's like you know that place well...  


Thank you Steve. As observant and kind as I could ever hope for.


Quoted from stevemiles
Terry still trying to finish his pint despite the poison gave me a laugh -- a man with principles...  


Indeed. You're a man after my own heart. Like me you obviously have, or have had, friends who would strip you naked and tie you to a lamp post if you dared leave a pint unfinished before you left the pub.


Quoted from stevemiles
Though him secretly recording the 'confession' felt a bit too familiar for my liking.  Not even sure how he managed it with the poison starting to take effect -- though that’s niggle territory right there...  


I know what you mean. But obviously I disagree. He managed it as he was always doing it to all sorts of people. He's that type.

I haven't thought of a better idea for the ending. And as of yet I've not had one suggested either. So I'm sticking with it for the foreseeable.


Quoted from stevemiles
A hint as to how Will would have the know-how to create such a poison wouldn’t hurt -- something in his background or profession..?  


Maybe. I'll think on that.


Quoted from stevemiles
Enjoyable read nonetheless.


And an enjoyable review on the whole. Many thanks again, Steve.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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LC
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ren,

You know I can't think of a writer who uses words quite like you do. You have a very unique voice, managing to capture the language of certain classes and cultures and the atmosphere of the environment they live in perfectly.  

Like Dustin, I love this line:

A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.

Re your specific use of: 'Fag burns scar the wooden floor' - interesting choice - I might have said, don't do it but actually, using the colloquialism/slang for the word - which might normally be used by a character in dialogue works extremely well. It enhances the atmosphere and characters you're depicting.

TERRY. Thirties, tall and mono-
browed. Overweight in casual dress.

This is my only real gripe. TERRY is popular with the women, so popular he's the target for your other two characters to exact their revenge because he got lucky with both of their wives.

How did that happen exactly? He's obviously broke, not attractive at all, no charisma, no gift of the gab. You can argue that all sorts of women go for all sorts of men - attraction is not easily defined. I would however personally have him 'ugly pretty' or 'creepy pretty', if you know what I mean - I've met guys like this - pretty on the outside but as soon as they open their mouths they're a bit smarmy, something's off- kilter and disingenuous - this line sums him up perfectly

TERRY
An offer I can’t refuse, kind sir.
You’re on, my son.

He's a sycophant even with the other males - trying for charming and longing to be one of the boys, but he fails.

Perhaps you could also include a very short scene in Terry's walk-through to the bar, where he stops and whispers into a girl's ear - she titters and flicks her hair back in response - then angry boyfriend approaches and gives him a warning look. Terry scowls, once his back is turned - naturally.

Great dialogue while they're playing pool - Terry's not smart enough to even realize he's being 'played' and yet he's still obnoxious enough to utter this:

Fuckin’ fifty euro and a pint.
Feels like you stole them from me.

Will flatters Terry subtly and enough times but still Terry never cops on. Classic. Great characterization.

I think you could edit a bit of this end dialogue and tweak it with some more of your inimitable dialogue. I just feel you got a bit lazy and dare I say conservative with a few of these lines and they come off as being a bit more long-winded than I reckon they should be, from these characters.  


WILL
Oh come on, Terry. Accept it, you
did it. I can show you footage on
my phone. I’ve seen you doing it.
He’s got some too. We couldn’t
quite believe it, you see.

Something like: 'We've got the goods on you, mate'- - or: 'Barman and I took a few home movies of our own' (should you give Barman a name, perhaps?) and then he flashes his camera-phone at him, something like that, obviously better than that, but you get the drift. A little more of your customary 'slick' as you've done previously, is needed.

BARMAN
(shouting)
You gave her the clap! And me! You
little fucker.
WILL

Bit of doubling up - I'd streamline the end dialogue passages - above and below - re the filming. The 'wash in our bathrooms' is terrific, cause it's a horrible image - but I feel like he'd say something less eloquent - perhaps just, 'clean up'.

BARMAN
Still can’t. Bastard!
WILL
So we installed some cameras in our
bedrooms. Of course, you could have
taken them somewhere else, a hotel,
a car, or your own house.
a drink.
WILL
No, you had to fuck them in our
houses, then wash in our bathrooms.
Don’t you see, Terry? You were
fucking us really. So we’ve fucked
you right back.

Love the 'seal' description btw. Great visual. And it's terrific he's still going to finish that beer by hook or by crook.

Finally: perhaps a gorgeous woman could sail past at the end, see the problem Terry is having, ask if he's alright - perhaps she calls another girlfriend over so they can have a bit of a laugh at his appearance , or she could call a friend on her phone and be filming him - oh yes, the ugly side of humanity, but it might be just desserts. Otherwise it appears Terry's going to get payback and I'm not sure I want him to have the last 'garbled' word.

I'm not entirely convinced the title does the story justice btw, but...

Great, one of a kind stuff, as usual.  
You definitely deserve more reads for this.


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Simon
Posted: June 25th, 2015, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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IamGlenn
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Hey Ren,

Took a read of this and loved it.

Really, really well written. The kind of stuff I can only hope to write some day. The language and the way you use words is perfect.

The story is very nice. Simple but brilliantly told. Was wondering where it was going but then the payoff at the end was very nicely done.

Not much else to say.

Good luck with this


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