(1)
You should capitalize these characters. Not when you first use their name, but the first time you describe them.
Right off the bat, this scene at the public library is fine, but I think it's worded poorly.
He goes and helps HER carry HER books for HER. As the female unlocks the car AND enters ALSO the man opens the passengers side to drop HER books for HER.
Do you see what I mean? Sometimes it gets unnecessarily clunky. And it can get confusing. It says she enters the car, does that mean on the driver side? Because it says the man drops the books in the passenger side, and then pulls out his knife. This confuses me, because does that mean he stabs her when they're in the car? Or is she in the passenger's seat when she gets stabbed? If so, why does she enter from the passenger's side? Another question, why would he wave the knife to the female? What does that mean?
I'm being overly critical of this first scene, but it's only to say that some people don't want to get caught up in the first paragraph and feel confused. Take the time to clearly and quickly explain what's going on. Also, don't be afraid to break it up a little.
And this sort of clunkiness continues through the first page.
Quoted Text At the opposite side seated next to the window, a man named CARL THOMAS, 40. African American sits there also drinking from a tall cup. Continually stares at her as he reads a magazine. She continues to use her cellphone. |
Little things like, the first sentence doesn't have a verb, so it reads funny. Is Carl black? Cause you make it seem like this "African American" is another character. Continually stares at her... is also not a complete sentence. Not that you ALWAYS have to have complete sentences, but here it just reads funny. And is he staring at her or reading? We already knew she was on her phone, so you don't really need to say that she continues to use it, especially since she has dialogue into the phone right after.
Just a quick rewrite: CARL THOMAS (40, black) sits at the other side of the cafe with a tall drink. He stares at Linda from behind a magazine.
And that's it. Remember to save space when you can. Once again, I'm being overly critical, but only because if you have these hiccups on the first page, they'll probably be everywhere else too. And if that's the case, then people won't get a chance to experience your story!
When you cut to a different area in the same scene, you don't need to use the full scene header again. If you want, you can use mini-slugs, or even omit it entirely. You use Public Library and Starebucks twice, even though they're the same scene.
(2)
That's very awkward of Carl. Why would he unecessarily expose himself like that? And who opens car doors for strangers? In a way, I like it because it's so strange that it makes you think Carl is autistic or something. My only problem is that Linda calls him a gentleman, which I guess is out of shock.
(3)
People don't talk to themselves like that unless it's a comedy or something.
(4)
This dialogue is very on-the-nose. The characters are flatly giving out details of each other, just to inform the audience. Try to be a little more subtle and natural.