Too Far by Glenn Doyle - Short, Drama, Thriller - A young boy is bullied until he can't take it any longer. 7 pages - pdf, format

Thanks Don for putting this up. As always, very much appreciated.

This is my first script up in a while. Been bogged down with stuff for a bit.

Anyway, I wrote this whilst brainstorming ideas for a short, micro budget film. All views and feedback are hugely appreciated by myself and just let me know if there's anything in particular you would like me to read in exchange.

Cheers,
Glenn.

It's okay.

I didn't expect the twist, but I didn't find it that surprising either. It's one of those "he's not who he says he is" or "it was all a dream" or "it was his mother all along!" They're very typical. The more I think about it, does it really matter if Adam or Jackson did it? Your friend stabbing your enemy is already a pretty big conflict/resolution, and just making them the same person almost cheapens that. It pulls this unrealistic psychological aspect into it without much reason or foreshadowing.

I think Adam should be more distinct. Think Tyler Durden in comparison to Edward Norton. Tyler represents that inner anarchist in all of us, and so he looks and acts like it.

Where do these police sirens come from? Was a patrol just in the area? Seems a little weird.

It's written fine and everything, but I think it lacks bite.

Code Across from him, on another couch, are his two fathers...

his parents... would read better. Else it places a bias tone on the writer. That's fine sometimes... the right times... this time is a bad time. It's almost as if you agree with the bullies.

Code Adam meets Brad with a heavy shove.Brad shoves him back.Adam swings a punch and catches him on the lip.

I think that Adam should just throw a punch. The shove seems unnecessary and unrealistic. Fights do start like that when there is a bit of verbal beforehand. Usually though, most fights I've seen start with one person attacking another. A punch or flurry of punches.


It needs a proofread. Few typos here and there and one or two awkward sentences, however it's a decent story. Poignant today with the knife crime thing, that I've noticed the Americans love taking the piss out of... England bans anything pointy... that kinda thing.

This would make a good school or college project. I have to agree with GG on the Tyler Durden thing. It's a tool that is unnecessary here. I think that you should get rid of that character and that the drive to stick up for himself should come from the conversation with his parents.

GreenGecko,
Thanks for the read and your thoughts. The police sirens could be from a patrol or someone in a nearby house saw the incident and rang the police. This was written pretty quick. I'll go over it again and try give it that bite you see it as lacking.

Dustin,
Thank you again for the read and the feedback. I see what you mean about the wording of the two fathers. I most definitely don't side with the bullies but can see how it might come across that way. I'll change that to parents. As for the shove to start a fight, I don't know, when people are walking at pace, like Adam is here, they sometimes like to meet with a push to initiate the fight. I've seen it happen that way a few times. I'll think about it a bit more though. Glad you found it somewhat decent story-wise. Cheers.

And as for the Adam character you both brought up, I see it like this; Jackson is an outcast and alone pretty much all of the time. He's bullied pretty bad because of this, so over time he has developed split personalities. Adam is the side of him that wants to act out and show the bullies they're messing with the wrong kid but Jackson has suppressed this urge until now. That's what I was going for anyway.

Cheers for the reads. Much appreciated.

Sup Glenn. Read the script, thoughts below -- all completely subjective:

I enjoyed the twist and I think that's the strength of this short. Without it, there's a lack of something unique to it. Though, I agree with the others that it almost felt out of place the way it was orchestrated. I think you should play up the psychological angle more from the beginning.

On page 2, Brad gives the stereotypical "Hold him, I'm going to teach him a lesson" line. It felt cliche and didn't quite work for me. Maybe Jackson could show some resistance there already, fight back verbally -- and then Brad would give him a "lesson" for that.

Alan and Adam are very similar names and I nearly confused the two at one point. On the same point, I think that this might be more effective if the person he imagined was indeed Alan. It would dissipate the Fight Club comparisons and give an even more unique angle to the short. Instead of the split personality angle, maybe play around with some POV shots of his sight wandering, slight hallucinations etc. before the big twist. Those all could be a result of the beating, so it's full circle in an even more ironical way for the bully.

IMO the idea of him snapping under the mental guise of someone else doing it is a good idea, that you should keep. I just think you should lay some groundwork from the start to make the twist seem more natural.

Good luck!

I think the only problem I have with the split personality is that it's a little outrageous. It's like if he just transformed into a giant hippo and ate the bully.

I mean, yes, I know split personalities are a thing, but they're so rare and seen so often in tv/film that it's silly. What makes it strong is if it's connected to some theme or some metaphor. But here it just seems like he develops it from being bullied. We've all been bullied, and we all think about getting revenge, so I think you should really capitalize on that idea and form it into something. I think DS kinda said this when he said you should play it up more in the beginning.

DS,
Thanks again for the read. As always, appreciate it. You know, with people saying it felt out of place (the whole split personality thing), I was thinking of how to make it not because, as you said, it's what makes this somewhat unique. So yeah, I've got to think of a way to weave his psychological problems in from the start. And yeah, I think I'll change one of Adam's or Alan's names. Didn't even notice that. Thanks again for thee read and feedback. You got anything I can check out in return? Seems you always look at mine but I never seem to catch yours. If so let me know.

GG,
Don't think it's quite as outrageous as that, but I get the point. I'll think of something.

Brad deserved to get stabbed up, what a pussy.

All jokes aside, I really enjoyed this.

----

Was there a Tyler Durden thing going on here? Or did Adam actually exist? I wasn't quite clear with that.  I interpreted it as Adam running off and leaving Jackson with the bloody knife.  I know you have the girlfriend saying "Why?" to him, but still, she could've been having a go because he was somewhat of an accomplice to the whole situation.

So basically, I thought Jackson was going to get into trouble with the police for something he didn't do.

Thanks for reading Max,

And no, Adam didn't exist. He's a figment of Jackson's imagination. Maybe I should make that a little clearer. Glad you enjoyed it though. Hope this doesn't ruin it for you..

You need anything read in return, let me know

Quoted from IamGlenn Thanks for reading Max, And no, Adam didn't exist. He's a figment of Jackson's imagination. Maybe I should make that a little clearer. Glad you enjoyed it though. Hope this doesn't ruin it for you.. You need anything read in return, let me know

It didn't ruin it, because even with my misunderstanding, it still works.

Nah, you don't need to read anything of mine, safe brother.

Quoted from Max It didn't ruin it, because even with my misunderstanding, it still works. Nah, you don't need to read anything of mine, safe brother.

Glad to hear it.
Cheers  

Hi Glenn. Pretty dark drama you got here. Didn't see the twist coming, so kudos on that.

The only thing that bugged me is that Jackson didn't tell the truth to his parents even when they (apparently) start to believe he's the one picking up fights. It was the right choice to keep the parents out of the way, but I wonder if maybe you can tighten the logic around Jackson's choice not to rat out the bullies. Maybe Adam convinces him to keep quiet, because he's got a "better solution" or something?

Also, it would be cool to see a bit more of Jackson and Adam's relationship. What you got right now is cool, but pretty straightforward; the murder scene happens almost right after we meet Adam, without much discussion or resistance from Jackson. I think you could have a lot more fun in developing Adam as a bad apple and show how he slowly poisons Jackson's mind.

Best of luck with it.

Thanks for taking a look Z,
I agree on the parents front. Once this was done and I read over it, one thing that stood out was the interaction with his dads. I changed it a bit from what it was originally but I still don't like it. And maybe that's it. They seem almost against Adam, thinking he's causing trouble. I think I have a way of correcting this though that'll tie in nicely with a way of involving Adam more and showing what exactly he is to Jackson.

And yeah, I've thought about bringing Adam in a little more. Gonna give this whole thing a good thinking over. Hopefully some good comes of it.

Thanks for the feedback. Appreciated

Hi Glenn,

There’s a lot of awkward writing with this, which could be easily fixed with a polish. I’ll use the opening as an example:

“JACKSON (16), thin and awkward, walks with a slump past houses with no sign of life from inside.” – Walks with a slump is not something I think I’ve ever seen in a sentence before, to me it seems like he’s walking hand-in-hand with a creature called a slump, but that may be just me. The real awkward bit here is ‘past houses with no sign of life from inside’. Would there be signs of life outside a building? What you are saying here is he’s walking past empty, or deserted buildings so why not just say that?

“His overweight bag is slung over a single shoulder and his clothes are all a size too big.” – Could his overweight bag be slung over a double shoulder? Of course not, it’s simply slung over his shoulder, specifying a single shoulder seems odd. I doubt every item of clothing he is wearing is exactly one size too big, yet that is what you state. He’s just wearing baggy clothes. Think lean when writing descriptions and action and it will read smoother.  

“An empty can of soda lies in his path on the pavement. He kicks it down the street for a few steps, the only sound that is heard.” – Your action includes a soda can being kicked. As there’s nothing else specified we can surmise it is the only sound. Adding this is the only sound we can here is extraneous and awkward. You can set up the isolation element of the character’s surroundings with the scene heading and describing his surroundings e.g. ‘walks past deserted buildings’ sets up that he is completely alone.

As to the actual story, the two dads element gave the classic ‘kid being bullied’ story a modern slant but the gay parents aspect is not really explored, which is a pity. They seemed unsupportive and unlikeable  as well, which didn’t help.

As for Adam, well I think I’ve seen too many movies but I thought ‘figment of his imagination’ as soon as he appeared, so the twist felt flat for me. There’s no sign in Jackson’s character that he has a split personality and the stabbing by a Tyler Durden style character came straight out of left field for me, but it could work. This is a short so it could be more like a Twilight Zone, Tales from the Crypt type escapade.

I just feel that there could be a much more creative and original solution to Jackson’s problem. Maybe the’ fag dads’ could have stepped up and been real kick ass or helped him come up with a spectacular revenge?

Best of luck with this, I think it’s well worth sticking with, polishing and trying new angles.

-Mark