Time for Love by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Romance - An elderly lady discovers an old flame in her shed. 4 pages - pdf, format

Cheers mate. Logline is a bit wank, I've just realised. Perhaps change the first 'old' for elderly.

Dustin - think someone has hacked your account, you seem to have loaded a straight up romance!!!

That said, I really liked this, sweet and poignant in equal measure... there's a few unfilmables but they add to the tone of the script so I'll let em fly.

The only element that I think might need a tweak is whent they are transported to the dance in their heads... if this is meant to be a flashback it needs calling out as such - and I think it could be given the time travel theme.

Good job.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Dustin - think someone has hacked your account, you seem to have loaded a straight up romance!!! That said, I really liked this, sweet and poignant in equal measure... there's a few unfilmables but they add to the tone of the script so I'll let em fly. The only element that I think might need a tweak is whent they are transported to the dance in their heads... if this is meant to be a flashback it needs calling out as such - and I think it could be given the time travel theme. Good job. Anthony

Cheers mate. Glad you enjoyed it. In regard to the romance genre, it's not something I'd like to write a feature in but I think most genres call for the odd bit of romance so it helps to exercise the writing muscles in this area.

I prefer the way that I've written the flashback. I already know how to format a flashback and have deliberately chosen to do it this way. I did similar in Antisocial Emissions where I portrayed a dog in the guy's mind without being so overt with the formatting.

I may start writing like this all the time. Sometimes it's probably easier to write the FLASHBACK tags in, but if I can write around them, then that is what I'm going to start doing.

Re romance, will remind you of that next time you bail on one of mine

Formatting - no 'rules' as we know, but threw me as a reader familiar with scripts as I wasn't sure if you meant it as an aside or as a flashback, your choice of course.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Re romance, will remind you of that next time you bail on one of mine Formatting - no 'rules' as we know, but threw me as a reader familiar with scripts as I wasn't sure if you meant it as an aside or as a flashback, your choice of course. Anthony

I've never bailed on one of your scripts. I may elect not to read the odd one, but I've never started and not finished... that I remember, anyway. I may say it's not my thing, but I can still appreciate a story well told.

Hey - a romance! Nice to see. Overall, solid effort.

Quoted Text Her breath freezes inches in front of her face as she hobbles with the aid of a stick toward a large shed.

Great visual - instantly easy to see.

Quoted Text She throws open the door and stands in the doorway with her stick poised -- she’s a tough old girl.

The more I read scripts - here as well as well known ones - the more I am becoming a fan of unfilmables - asides  Recently read one written by R.E - filled with asides and are very effective. She's a tough old girl gets to her core in 5 simple words.

Quoted Text MARJORIE I could always tell when you were lying, you haven’t gotten much better at it.

Thinks it works better as two sentences.

Quoted Text She sinks into his embrace... sails away to a time gone by, a time when they were both young, dancing, carefree. As their lips meet, they are transported in their minds to a ballroom, both in their twenties, dressed to the nines, kissing while they twirl to music.

Okay - I like this and know exactly what is happening. My rules brain is screaming - no, this has to be  a formal flashback. My style brain is screaming - why? I understood exactly what is happening. Going to digest it for awhile.

Nice effort here - good to see you in the romance arena.

Quoted from eldave1 Hey - a romance! Nice to see. Overall, solid effort. Great visual - instantly easy to see. The more I read scripts - here as well as well known ones - the more I am becoming a fan of unfilmables - asides  Recently read one written by R.E - filled with asides and are very effective. She's a tough old girl gets to her core in 5 simple words. Thinks it works better as two sentences. Okay - I like this and know exactly what is happening. My rules brain is screaming - no, this has to be  a formal flashback. My style brain is screaming - why? I understood exactly what is happening. Going to digest it for awhile. Nice effort here - good to see you in the romance arena.

I think asides are important in regard to getting the reader to fully appreciate what you're trying to tell them. They're only bad when overly done or forced. When you're writing and feeling the atmosphere it's nice to pass a little of it along to the reader too.

I think the flashback is clear, especially when in the next action block the first words are 'Back in the shed'. I think that most directors reading that will get it. Even were it an aside, it's a filmable aside.

Yes, after some thought, I think that bit of dialogue would work better as two sentences.

Thanks for the read and review, mate.

Didn’t see the ‘romance’ when I read the log -- given your usual gritty stuff I was totally expecting this to go someplace far darker...  

That said, I liked this one a lot -- a nod to the Time Machine in the character of George perhaps?  I’m a sucker for those ‘back-yard’ Sci-Fi stories -- time travel in particular.  Overall I think this could benefit from a little more.  To me it felt like George died too quickly.  On the flip-side I respect there’s something bittersweet in their fleeting reunion -- something he’s been seeking for decades (presumably, given his and Marjorie’s ages).

Was George her husband?  Could give us a hint as to who/what he was to her, making for a stronger connection between them.  Also seems like there’d be more guilt on his part for leaving her for so long.

Couldn’t help but want them to travel off together -- perhaps not the happy ending you’re after; though it could help in terms of budget -- showing George’s death as written would require more specialised FX than a big shed, a decent make-up artist and a fancy chair...

There’s much to be made of this idea, hope you get some interest -- or even put it together yourself.    

Steve

Look at that.  A kinder, gentler Dustin.  Who knew?

This is fine as it is, easily imagined, sweet and totally inoffensive for any audience.  There is potential there, though the makeup and effects pose a bit of a challenge for a short, they are not insurmountable.

My small quibble -- the odd detail of a Bakelite phone.  Perhaps that is a Brit thing, but I've never heard the phrase in my life.  Not a big deal -- but as I have seen you say -- it "took me out" for a few moments.

Just pointing it out, as my only real comment here, and as it is so easily remedied with something more common -- a rotary phone, perhaps.  Or not.  Certainly not a deal-breaker for an interested party.  Just saying.  It’s still nice.

GJ,

If you Alias something like this -- no way anyone would accuse you of being the author

Could be kinda expensive to film for a short-short. Lots of make-up for the age shift.

Hope at the end. Eternally speaking.

Quoted from stevemiles That said, I liked this one a lot -- a nod to the Time Machine in the character of George perhaps?  I’m a sucker for those ‘back-yard’ Sci-Fi stories -- time travel in particular.

Nice catch, yes. It was writers like him and Lovecraft that inspired me to write as a kid.

Quoted Text Overall I think this could benefit from a little more.  To me it felt like George died too quickly.  On the flip-side I respect there’s something bittersweet in their fleeting reunion -- something he’s been seeking for decades (presumably, given his and Marjorie’s ages).

I purposefully tried to keep this as short as possible. But yeah, it could probably do with a little more of the same.

Quoted Text Was George her husband?  Could give us a hint as to who/what he was to her, making for a stronger connection between them.  Also seems like there’d be more guilt on his part for leaving her for so long.

A wedding ring. Perfect. Thank you. I'll weave that in somehow.

Quoted Text Couldn’t help but want them to travel off together -- perhaps not the happy ending you’re after; though it could help in terms of budget -- showing George’s death as written would require more specialised FX than a big shed, a decent make-up artist and a fancy chair... There’s much to be made of this idea, hope you get some interest -- or even put it together yourself.     Steve

I did consider the FX, but thought it might be fun for a filmmaker to attempt. Way above my level at the moment though.

Thanks for the read and advice, much appreciated.

Quoted from bert My small quibble -- the odd detail of a Bakelite phone.  Perhaps that is a Brit thing, but I've never heard the phrase in my life.  Not a big deal -- but as I have seen you say -- it "took me out" for a few moments.

OK, they must have used a different name for them in the US. Bakelite is a type of early plastic that couldn't be produced in bright colours is all I really know about it. I'll Google and see what it was known as in US. Ah, well it seems it was invented by a Belgian born American and was in use there before here. However the actual telephones were a Swedish invention by a Mr Ericsson and the Bakelite phone was officially known as the Ericsson DBH 1001.

But, as I read a member here write a couple of days ago... write for the educated. I think something like this that is easily searched on the web is fine.

Glad you liked it. I'm quite surprised at the responses to this script. I'll have to start writing stuff like this more often. Thanks for the read and review. Hopefully we'll see something of yours listed soon.

Quoted from TonyDionisio GJ, If you Alias something like this -- no way anyone would accuse you of being the author Could be kinda expensive to film for a short-short. Lots of make-up for the age shift. Hope at the end. Eternally speaking.

Yeah, she's going to bump into him sometime if she keeps moving. Of course, when she does, it will be her last time too, but it'll be worth it.

Thanks for the read and review, mate.

Quoted from DustinBowcot OK, they must have used a different name for them in the US. Bakelite is a type of early plastic that couldn't be produced in bright colours is all I really know about it. I'll Google and see what it was known as in US. ... But, as I read a member here write a couple of days ago... write for the educated. I think something like this that is easily searched on the web is fine.

Yep, I agree with this. You can dumb things down to much to cater for everyone but using the authentic language for the object is going to elevate the script writing imh. It was developed by Belgian-born chemist Leo Baekeland in New York in 1907. We have one of those phones under the house from way back - in Australia they were still using them in the 60s and early 70s I think, and you can still get them on ebay. Bakelite was big in jewellery as well.

I'll echo what others have said re the story, Dustin - it's nice to see you spreading your talent (and CV potentially) across genres. Also good you changed the 'old' to 'elderly' in the logline - reads much better and gives your character the respect she deserves.

This is really lovely and well done. I too wondered if when Marjorie finally went back in time if she would bump into George, or if that's the end of that. Time travel stories always spin me out a bit.  I'll admit to feeling a pang when George kept getting older and older and then, oh no, too late - he finally turned to dust. The ending is bittersweet - I wanted that reunion, though I expect that's the charm of it, you have to imagine it. Tying it up too neatly is often a mistake and it loses its charm.

Good to see you switching it up and surprising us.

Quoted from LC Yep, I agree with this. You can dumb things down to much to cater for everyone but using the authentic language for the object is going to elevate the script writing imh. It was developed by Belgian-born chemist Leo Baekeland in New York in 1907. We have one of those phones under the house from way back - in Australia they were still using them in the 60s and early 70s I think, and you can still get them on ebay. Bakelite was big in jewellery as well.

Yeah they were still in use in our country around then too. There is a way of rewiring them to be used in modern sockets too. I also agree that writing dial phone may come across as me not knowing the proper name, and could perhaps lose some readers because of it. I prefer Bakelite over Ericsson DBH 1001 though... I think. I'll consider that, as it may be better to come up with an actual model.

Quoted Text I'll echo what others have said re the story, Dustin - it's nice to see you spreading your talent (and CV potentially) across genres. Also good you changed the 'old' to 'elderly' in the logline - reads much better and gives your character the respect she deserves.

I know I'm supposed to write them first, but for me loglines always come last. And, because of that, I usually mess them up.

Quoted Text This is really lovely and well done. I too wondered if when Marjorie finally went back in time if she would bump into George, or if that's the end of that. Time travel stories always spin me out a bit.  I'll admit to feeling a pang when George kept getting older and older and then, oh no, too late - he finally turned to dust. The ending is bittersweet - I wanted that reunion, though I expect that's the charm of it, you have to imagine it. Tying it up too neatly is often a mistake and it loses its charm. Good to see you switching it up and surprising us.

Well, she's quite determined, all she has to do is keep jumping, and one day, hopefully, she will catch up to him where she can then get some more time with her lover before she too dies. I did consider showing it, but it would have gotten repetitive, basically the same story reversed.

Thanks for the read and review.