Hard Boiled :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

INT. UNMARKED VEHICLE - NIGHT
Spinelli drives with a look as if his mind is else where -- which it is. A cigar hangs from him mouth. He cuts the radio on and slaps his fingertips on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the music. That doesn't last long. He sighs and cuts the music back off.
In the passenger's seat sits a portable police light. He grabs it and slams it on the hood of the car. The red and blue lights shine. He doesn't bother with the siren.
Spinelli is approaching a crime scene with an array of patrol cars, a coroner's van and EMT near an alleyway. Lights flashing. A host of cops, coroners and crime scene investigators are scattered about on foot. The crime scene is marked off by yellow tape.....................................

I can read what you write but I don't want to because of the way your story is written. It doesn't draw me in. It's boring.

The paragraph above is almost right out of the gate and it tells me what lies ahead: a story I will not like reading.

The paragraph above also tells me the first scene should be deleted. Why? The divorce is not what your story is about. So get rid of the first scene and open here.

INT. UNMARKED VEHICLE - NIGHT (THIS TELLS ME I AM IN THE CAR WITH SPINELLI)
Spinelli drives with a look as if his mind is else where -- which it is.
(WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE? HOW DO I KNOW WHAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT? THE SCENE I JUST TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF? HAVE HIM FIDGET WITH HIS WEDDING RING, HOLD IT UP AS HE DRIVES, TAKE IT OFF AND THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW, SAY "FUCK" AS YOU HE IS DOING IT. SOMETHING LIKE THAT TELLS ME HIS MARRIAGE - THE RING - ISN'T RIGHT. YOU CAN UNFOLD HIS SHIT MARRIAGE AS YOU GO.)

A cigar hangs from him mouth. (BY A PIECE OF STRING?)

He cuts the radio on (HOW TO YOU DO THAT?) and slaps (SLAPS OR TAPS? SLAPS IS NOT A GOOD CHOICE) his fingertips on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the music. That doesn't last long. (EDITORIAL, CUT IT). He sighs and cuts (THE CUT AGAIN) the music back off. (JUST SAY "OFF", BACK OFF IS REDUNDANT)
In the passenger's seat sits a portable police light. He grabs it and slams it on the hood (THE HOOD? REALLY?) of the car. The red and blue lights shine. He doesn't bother with the siren. THESE DAYS MOST UNMARKED CARS HAVE THESE NOSEUM LED LIGHTS SO THIS IS RETRO. I WOULD NOT USE IT. JUST SAY HE FLIPS ON HIS EMREGENCY LIGHTS AND DRIVES ON, WITHOUT A SIREN IF YOU WISH BUT DOES IT MATTER? IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU THINK IS COOL, NOT WHAT DRIVES THE STORY. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU THINK IS COOL BUT I DON'T CARE, I WANT SPINELLI AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. WHAT IS THE REASON FOR SPINELLI BEING IN THIS CAR ANYWAY? WHY NOT OPEN WITH HIM CROSSING POLICE TAPE? MAYBE THE REASON IS SO WE CAN SEE HIM FIDGET WITH HIS RING SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE AN OPENING SCENE ANYMORE. MAYBE CUT THIS SCENE TOO? THEN IT SEEMS TOO MUCH LIKE A CSI EPISODE.

Spinelli is approaching (OUCH) a crime scene with an array (UGH) of patrol cars, a coroner's van and EMT near an alleyway (AN ALLEYWAY?). Lights flashing. A host of cops, coroners and crime scene investigators (THESE WOULE BE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WILL GO HOME IN ALL THE VEHICLES YOU JUST DESCRIBED?) are scattered about (SCATTERED? WHAT ARE THEY DOING BEING ALL SCATTERED?) on foot. The crime scene is marked off by yellow tape (USUALLY...AND HERE IS WHY I PICKED THIS PARAGRAPH...BECAUSE NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM OUTSIDE SPINELLI'S CAR AND YOU HAVEN'T TOLD THAT. AND...THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH CAN BE BOILED DOWN TO ONE LINE, "A BUSY CRIME SCENE."

YOU HAVE TO CUT TO THE CHASE AND GET RID OF YOUR PROSE. YOU CALL THIS HARDBOILED - SOUNDS DETECTIVISH - BUT THIS IS A SCRIPT, NOT A GUMSHOE NOVEL. YOU WANT ALL THAT, WRITE A NOVEL.

THE INTRO NEEDS TO GRAB THE READER. WHAT YOU'VE WRITTEN I'VE SEEN COUNTLESS TIMES ON TV. I'M NOT A BIG GORE GUY, NOT EVEN A LITTLE ONE, BUT MAYBE YOU COULD OPEN UP WITH YOUR KILLER? MAYBE OPEN UP WITH A COLD CASE SCENE WITH SOME GUYS JOKING ABOUT THIS SERIAL KILLER GOING COLD, HOW THE VICTIMS WERE OFF'D, AND THEN, RIGHT THEN, A CALL COMES IN AND THE JOKERS STOP JOKING, LOOK AT THE FILES, SAY "OH SHIT" AND TAKE OFF WITH THE FILES IN HAND. I DUNNO, WRITE SOMETHING INTERESTING.