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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Ghost Stream Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ghost Stream by Mark Kees Miller - Thriller - A computer and other combined technology based on the fact that the brain is an organic radio takes over the world of an alcoholic game programmer. 60 pages - pdf, format


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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 25th, 2015, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Mark,

Code

 A wanna be thug looking teenager walks by and gives ALEX an earie look as he walks by. 



The lack of focus seen above will be a problem for you. I suggest  you break things down short and sweet such as:

"A WANNA BE THUG passes ALEX. Offers an eerie look. Moves on. "

And that can be way better as well.

Tony
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Erica
Posted: July 31st, 2015, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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I don't want to sound mean, but your first page needs work.  

The logline also could use a re-work, I'm not really following it or buying into it.  It comes across as lazy writing to me (my opinion only).
"A computer and other combined technology based on the fact that the brain is an organic radio takes over"

This doesn't tell much much, just combined technology that you can't think of right now but it there.
What a logline should state:

1. Concept
2. Main character
3. Main character's goal
4. Obstacle to that goal (to establish conflict)
5. If you can, mention what the stakes are if the main character fails to achieve his goal
6. 35 words or less

"It's a gloomy spring night within the evening hours."  Your very first line doesn't read right to me, a spring night in the evening hours?  maybe it's just me, but I had to read it a couple times.

I'm not sure why you are using bold print and underlining of a character.  Next time you capitalize the character.

There is no discription for Chuck.  Also the line:
"O.S.
Are you ready for tomorrow's job?"

Should have a name.  The director is going to need to know who said the line.


Quoted Text
INT. MADMAN GAMES
-
OFFICE BOARD ROOM
-
DAY
There are men and women seated inside the board room, including
CHUCK, JANE, MARIA, SOFIA, TROY, and DOMINIC who’s at the head
of the table. They a
re all conversing separately amongst
themselves because it seems like the meeting has not yet begun.


Again who are these people?

You are missing page numbers on the script.

Sorry, but I'm out on the 2nd page.

I think you need to work on format first and foremost if you want to keep a reader engaged.
http://www.screenwriting.info/
hope this link helps.


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