Fabric by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - In a picture postcard village, an officious accountant decides to make the horologist redundant, not realising just how important he is to village life. 17 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Anthony,

I think you did a great job creating mystery here, and I was certainly intrigued by the Pater character.  The length of the script was about right, although you could probably trim a few pages here and there.

I felt some of the writing was a bit awkward in places, but overall there wasn't much to complain about.

Quoted Text Pours the tar goes down the sink.

Quoted Text Jeremy stands over from the church, watching the door to the chapel. The vicar exits and walks towards the vicarage, he waves at Jeremy as he goes past.

I would've perhaps created two separate sentences there, to avoid the comma splice.

I thought the setting was great, and it was able to create a sense of magic towards the end.  I'm guessing it's only the village which ages?  It would've been great if Guthrie and co. aged along with the village.

It's a very creative concept, and I applaud you.

Thanks for the kind words Max - glad you liked it!

Thought of the villagers ageing too but figured that'd be quite expensive to do, on top of the village stuff.

Yet another from the Fifth Dimensional mind of Mr. Cawood...

And more words I didn't know (haptic from the other one), now horologist, kairos. And a character named Amber -- as in preserved in amber?

I liked this. The feel of it, the dialogue.

For what it's worth, I'd leave the meaning of Pater unexplained. What he is comes through, even if readers or viewers don't recognize the word. Those who do will appreciate you not spelling it out.

Small thing: There's an "it's" that should be "its."

Thumbs up.

Hey Henry - thanks for the read and the kind words.

I did toy with the idea of leaving Pater unexplained, but this seemed too ambiguous, even for me, so I went with a more definite ending.

Thanks for the typo catch, will revise on the next re-write.

I found the dialogue on page 7 very tedious. I know that was kinda your aim, I just feel you could have accomplished the same thing in fewer words.

Code PATER, 90s, maybe much older, but vibrant and glowing with life, stands before him, hands on hips. PATER (O.S.) Thatch makes it for me, timeless Englishness.

If Pater is now before him why does he still have (OS)?

Code PATER Kairos. Jeremy scribbles in the file. JEREMY Thanks.

He doesn't need to ask how to spell that? Even if he's heard of the word before then he would still ask to be sure... because it is a strange one. And, if he has heard of it before then wouldn't he find it a coincidence that he winds the village clock? In that respect it's a little too OTN.

Why didn't anyone just tell Jeremy who Pater was? They get somebody in to do the finances and then drop hints expecting him to get it. Very strange behaviour considering how important Pater is. I also don't like how Jeremy suddenly got it, like it was perfectly normal for Father Time to be a physical being.

I think you need to get rid of Guthrie character as he was the one that had the most opportunity to tell Jeremy what was what. Maybe drop the build up altogether and start the story from where Jeremy meets Pater for the first time... reveal the story through those moments.

Anyway, we're different for a reason... just some suggestions. Hope it helps as is my intention. Good luck.

Hey Dustin

Thanks for the comments as always.

Pater O.S. - good spot, did same in Ouija due to editing the order of action and dialogue, will fix in next version.

Spelling Kairos, yep great suggestion, he certainly doesn't know what it means first.

No one told Jeremy who he was because that's not the sort of thing that people beleieve... Jeremy is new blood to the village, which it needs every now and then, but the expectation is that he'll become a villager in the fullness of time.

What no one guesses is that he'll sack Pater, which he does in the first meeting with him and without telling anyone else that he's going to... so this stacks up for me in terms of sequence and (intended) story logic.

This is kinda inspired by me re-watching the entire 100+ episodes of Tales of the Unexpected, there's a certain Englishness to them that I was trying to evoke. In this case it took a while to percolate but I hopefully got there eventually.

Guthrie, as you say, we're all different for a reason I kinda like the mundaness of the setup, is meant to lull the audience and then start to bild up the mystery, but each to his own.

Many thanks

Anthony

The only reason I suggest dropping Guthrie is because he has opportunity to warn Jeremy once he knows he's there to sort out the finances. If Pater is so essential why would anyone risk messing it up? Whereas if there is a sudden death, say Guthrie, and Jeremy arrives from head office as the new head, and then seeks to 'clean the finances up'. You could still have the mystery, so long as none of the villagers know what's actually on Jeremy's mind. He can ask questions about Pater and then elicit those exact responses... because nobody knows his true aim. He can even get all of the cryptic warnings. Pretty much what you have now, minus the Guthrie character or anyone knowing Jeremy's true motives.

Anthony,

Comments are often unneeded.  

I'll comment as I read.

The opening reads overlong.  Can you start in Gutherie's office?  Take out the first scene entirely.  

Like the pub scene a lot.  Works for me.  

the next sequence doesn't please so much.  Doesn't Jeremy work?  Has the time to wait for Pater?  Perhaps he's the one that's not needed?

The shop scene is nice, but I'm not exactly sure it's needed.  It would help if was actually buying something, a reason t be there.

And back to Mr. G who had the address all along.  If Jeremy really needs to get to Pater, wouldn't he have access to the personnel file?  Why go detecting if he can bring it up out of the employee data base.  But if it's not there, or it's not current....hmmmmm

I like the scenes with Pater.  They work, and they contain the hint of bad times for the village if Pater is let go.  Good.

And time catches up with the village.  Nice.  

Mr. G should be a bit more angry, shouldn't he?  And then, what, he has to race out because his house has caught fire?   That might be a nice touch.

The last scene with Jeremy and Pater.  The old days are gone.  All the evils of modernity arrive.  I'll buy it.  

If I had to offer anything it would be to make things older in the village.  The village books are not spreadsheets, they're old style ledgers.  The pub offers some special unfound in decades.  The phones are old style, etc.  And perhaps Jeremy's task to to bring the village into the 21st century...which he does.  

Good job.  Enjoyable and easy to read.

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard, appreciate the read as always...

Waiting for Pater and having a job - good point, will amend so he does this on lunch breaks, evening jogs etc

Jeremy and access to Personnel files, I'll make it clearer they don't exist, he doesn't even know his surname initially.

Like the idea re ledgers and an 'older' feel to the office equipment etc... will weave in to next re-write.

Cheers

Anthony