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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Everlasting Exile Moderators: bert
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  Author    Everlasting Exile  (currently 4401 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Everlasting Exile by Scott Gladwin - Horror - The Guthridge clan moves into an eerie Victorian residence, only to discover that something else resides there. An entity that patiently waits to unravel the fabric of their happy home.     104 pages - pdf, format


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Lono
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Scott,

I love a good ghost story. Your longline peeked my interest. I like the setup.  I know the adults are supposed to be white trash, but they sure do act quite juvenile, it may take away from the tone but I'll reserve judgement until i read further.  One thing that stuck out in my mind is the hallucination that Shantel has. It is a hallucination right? I had to go back and re-read a full page because it confused me. You have to make sure you're clear with your action; readers like me become easily confused The formatting is a little wonky. It just needs some touching up. I will read more and let you know what I think.

Lono
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lono


Your longline peeked my interest.


For future reference -- piqued.
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eldave1
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure why I looked at this as Horror is - by far - my least favorite genre.

I am glad I did. IMO - the writing here is impeccable. I love the style and the crispness of the descriptions. Kudos on the craftsmanship here. There is a lot to be learned here for newer writers.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Lono
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot


For future reference -- piqued.


Yikes. Who's this guy trying to give feedback on a script and can't even get the grammar right?
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Lono
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Scott,

  It's amazing what a fresh set of eyes can do. Though my previous comment was made with the best intentions I think my mind wondered a bit the first time reading and I missed a line or two of action. You write so well that just a line or two of action says so much. I really have nothing else to add in terms of a critique since you write better then I have ever been able to.  Really cool stuff; I want to finish this later this weekend, but I want to wait until it's dark, mwahaha!
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lono


Yikes. Who's this guy trying to give feedback on a script and can't even get the grammar right?


With that in mind...


Quoted from Lono
...I think my mind wondered a bit...


wandered.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot


With that in mind...



wandered.


Hilarious
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, heck of a first 3 pages! I. DO. NOT. DO. HORROR. Read my lips. BUT I WILL GO AS FAR AS I CAN because I like the writing.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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I hate the style. I just looked at the first half page and there are words missing. Too many for it to be a mood-setting tool, but but rather a style choice utilised throughout the entire script. Not something I could read easily.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 5th, 2015, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Ya, it kinda does seem like it's missing some words. Which is an unusal complaint since most scripte are over written.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
I hate the style. I just looked at the first half page and there are words missing. Too many for it to be a mood-setting tool, but but rather a style choice utilised throughout the entire script. Not something I could read easily.


Different how readers see a particular work. I like his style. Give me an example from here you don't care for.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 2:36am Report to Moderator
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Code

Historical society member’s dream pad. Gothic, baroque,
charming, menacing, all at once. Expansive dwelling framed
amid a wooded area.



The first sentence is missing an 'A' at the start. The second sentence describes several things so we already know it looks like all of those things at once, we are then told 'all at once' as though we wouldn't already know that from the previous description. The third sentence seems to be about something else. It also tells us we are in a wooded area, which would be better suited to the slug. It reads very clunkily to me.

Code

An ocean motif, throughout.



Why a comma before 'throughout'? OK, maybe it is for effect.. so we see the ocean motif then realise it stretches throughout. I'll buy that, but then...

Code

Walls papered with tacky zebra pattern. Massive fireplace,
the centerpiece.



There's another unnecessary comma before 'the centrepiece'. It reads messily as though an afterthought. It's only the fireplace. Where are fireplaces usually? Centre. Never known one to be anywhere else.

The first sentence here though really gets me. If this style is all about brevity by missing out articles, then why strip what they believe to be unnecessary words and then actually add unnecessary words?

Walls papered with tacky zebra pattern.

Becomes...

Tacky zebra-pattern walls.

Code

Cluttered. Moving boxes everywhere. Painter’s easel folded up
in corner.



Is there any need for 'cluttered'? What's the point in telling us, then go on to describe it as cluttered anyway? Also what's with the moving boxes? Are they possessed? I know what it means, I just had to read it a couple times to get it. Which is fine. I just don't like this style of writing. Missing out articles for the sake of brevity then adding unnecessary words anyway is also not the correct way to go about things.

Who is Painter? Was he introduced without me realising? Surely they mean, A painter's easel... what's so wrong with using 'A'?

Code

Framed snapshot of father and son goofing off. Ratty shirt
drops over it.



I just hate it. I could pick on every single line. The ones I've left out to get to this point are only because I believe the method used adds mood. Which is what this style is all about. It's a tool that adds atmosphere to writing and something to be used sparingly, not throughout an entire script. Especially if you're going to omit important words and then add unnecessary ones anyway.

Writing like this slows a read for me because it results in too many instances where clarity isn't 100%. There isn't anything wrong with using articles.
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Anon
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 3:55am Report to Moderator
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I'm with Dustin here. I struggle with this style. Not sure why normal sentence structure and grammar are thrown out of the window just because it's a screenplay. Makes me read hesitantly.

On occasion, ultra short sentences read better. But not always. I just keep asking myself 'what reads better'.

But each to their own. Great dialogue in this too.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Dustin.  I decided not even to comment, because nothing I would have said would be positive.

I've seen this "style" numerous times, and always questioned why anyone would choose to continuously omit the first word in every sentence...usually "the" or "a", or the actual subject.  Makes zero sense and reads so poorly.

Not for me at all.
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