Fate Fancied by Nathan Chin - Short, Drama, Fantasy, Supernatural - After suffering a fatal accident, a young man finds himself in a spiritual limbo in which he must choose how he will spend his eternity. 14 pages - pdf, format

Hey Nathan - sorry, but first page in there are problems. You simply cannot do this:

Quoted Text The body is that of DONN, a relatively straight-laced guy, 18, an average Joe in many senses; susceptible to temptation, reasonably selfish, reasonably generous. He has the capacity for philosophical thought and discussion but has never found a place or reason to exercise it. A proficient thinker raised as a moderate thinker, with a mixture of traditional values and inner honesty. He is blunt when making self-judgements.

You must have these character traits evident through either the characters actions or dialogue. You can't simply tell us these things. Re-read what you have above and ask yourself - how would someone shoot this? The answer is - they can't.

Nathan,

To comment or not to comment, this is the question?

This one is a snore.  Talking heads are rarely interesting, and these people don't rise to the occasion.  I'll echo the above about giving a character traits that can't be seen on the screen.  

and then, you have wrlies.  The general rule is that dialogue stands on its own.  If you have to instruct the actor or director how to deliver the line, then the line needs work.  I don't think Shakespeare used wrlies, but I could be wrong.  

Then, we go into some discussion on how to spend eternity.  The choices are knowledge, ignorance, or reincarnation.  Hmmm, there can't be more?  In any case, no matter how many paths you provide, ultimately, it's still a talking head short that doesn't really need visuals.  You could almost do on radio.  

Oh, you don't need to use capitals in action paragraphs after the initial introduction of the character.  

Stronger visuals are needed if you expect to see this on the big screen.

Best
Richard

My main comment is that you must remember screenplays are about showing not telling. It's not a novel, how is he reasonably selfish or generous...Show us dont tell us these things. Re read this and write what can only be filmed. You do have a knack for dialogue and I do appreciate the banter between Donn, the Guide and Al.

Edit and keep writing. Good luck!

Nemo.

In addition to what has already been mentioned.

Scene Headings need to be preceeded by INT. or EXT.

Camera shots are not normally included in the action.  

I would suggest reading professionally produced scripts to get an idea of how things generally flow. There's plenty linked on the Simply Scripts homepage, they should give you loads of pointers.

All the best

-Mark