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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Popular Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Popular by Nikki April Lee - Short, Drama - A park strange gives a high school king an unforgettable lesson.  9 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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There's a few typos and other errors in here, and the logline for that matter... But there's something in this that I liked.

I think it's the gentle tone and the build up to the reveal... I got the reveal, but it was what I wanted it to be!

So worth a polish or two but decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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RichardR
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Nikki,

Comments have no father.

This one fits nicely together.  I think it might be a bit too easy, a bit too smooth.  The conflict seems mostly forced.  A guy with a dog comes to the park and intimidates a group of teens?  And the one teen who decides to do something about it is precisely the teen we need to put into the mix.  the nerdy girl works for the most part since she knows John.  I buy it.  

And John needs to confess to this kid?  Why?  Yeah, I'm going to find out why, but I don't get why he has to confess it all.  And I don't buy at all that Brenton is going to change because of it.  If I understand the teenage mind, and I don't, I would guess that a big ego like Brent would blow off the old man who couldn't rise to the occasion.  Brent can and will use his popularity and abilities to grab the gold ring.  What popular teen doesn't think that way?  

And then we get the reveal.  Despite the fact that John has all the photos of Brent, Brent has no idea who John is?  It's obvious that John and Laurie have kept in touch.  Why hasn't Brent?  I have a hard time swallowing that detail.

So, my big bugaboos come from Brenton turning over a new leaf after one two minute conversation, and the reveal.  but luckily, they're my bugaboos.

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Richard
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13thChamber
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Solid. Great pacing, great message. Made me think of an article that spoke of the popular kid in high school, and how they turn out when they hit the real world. The twist was fine, I had a feeling it would go the way it did, but for me it was fine. Keep writing, this was a good one.


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Nikki
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate the feedback. It felt too bias to let my mother or sister read it.
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eldave1
Posted: August 4th, 2015, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not quite sure about this one yet - I will give it another read. In the meantime, a couple of nit issues mixed in with a couple of character ones:


Quoted Text
A park strange gives a high school king an unforgettable lesson.


typo - think you mean stranger


Quoted Text
The teen looks up to catch John looking at her. John holds up
a hand to wave. She responds with a small wave and sweet
smile.


Since you already introduced Sarah as the teen in the preceding paragraph - I think it would read clearer to use her name here. i.e., "Sarah looks up to catch John looking at her..."


Quoted Text
John smirks at Brenton’s cockiness. He pulls his phone out of
his pocket and dials 911. He hands the phone to Brenton.


Again - a nit - but if he dials 9-1-1, they are coming regardless of hang-up. I think it works better if he hands him the phone and tells him - go ahead, cal 9-1-1


Quoted Text
JOHN
Just another guy like you.


I really didn't care for the above dialogue - seemed unnatural.


Quoted Text
John catch Sarah approaching them with all smiles. Brenton
stiffens, his face flushed with nerves. John notices.


typo - should be catches


Quoted Text
Sarah bows her head in Brenton’s presence. A fearful look on
her face.
SARAH
The ice cream truck is here. I was
wondering if you had a dollar so I
could get a pop sickle.
JOHN
Of course, here.
John hands her a five dollar bill. Sarah brightens. Brenton
is frozen stiff next to her.
JOHN (CONT’D)
Get whatever you want. Don’t worry
about the change, you keep it.
SARAH
Thank you Mr. John.
Sarah avoids Brenton’s eyes and runs to the truck. Brenton
relaxes. John smiles, amused.
JOHN
You need money too?
BRENTON
No. I have plenty of money.
JOHN
Then, why didn’t you offer to pay
for her ice cream? It’s obvious you
like her.


The above sequence seemed unreal to me - a high school teenager begging a dollar for a Popsicle??? It really took me out of the story -  - I just didn't buy the above as real scenario. I think you want Sarah to be shy - demur - nerdy - the way she is written - to me anyway - made her seem helpless.

SPOILER ALERT

Okay - got to the end and it went where I thought it was going. I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with the warm smile from the ex-wife. i.e., he still knows her but Brenton doesn't have a clue about his Dad? Seemed implausible.

Many parts were crisply written - I do think this is a nice effort - there are just some parts that are a bit contorted for me. good luck with this





My Scripts can all be seen here:

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