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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Green Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Green by R. E. McManus (rendevous) - Short, Drama -  A reclusive artist says he will come out of hiding to show his new work. The crowds flock to see.  6 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Sandro
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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This isn't 6 pages, it's 15.


Hello R.E.,

This is an excellently written script.  The first scene in the taxi is very entertaining, despite that it runs quite long.

I'd consider cutting the conversation between Rosie and Fabien down a bit. I found it to be quite uninteresting, especially as it follows the excellent dialogue between Rosie and Gilby. Much of what Fabien and Rosie say about the artist is also said in the prior scene anyway.

[SPOILERS AHEAD]

The ending didn't work at all for me. Why would such an esteemed artist degrade himself by pulling such a juvenile stunt? Did he really just do it because of the P in his name? And how did he do it anyway? As for as I can tell, it isn't explained. If it's the alcohol, doesn't everyone nowadays know about green beer/drinks turning your urine green because of St. Patrick's Day?

The silliness of the ending really caught me off-guard (though I guessed it before the ultimate scene) because of how sleek and mature the script is until that point. Anyway, those are just my two cents.

Look forward to reading more of your work.


Sandro

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Sandro  -  August 3rd, 2015, 6:29am
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rendevous
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to Don for posting. Good work up keep.

Thanks to Sandro too. I'd be very grateful if you could reveal a lot less about the plot in your review, or at least use Spolier warnings.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILER:


Quoted from Sandro

doesn't everyone nowadays know about green beer/drinks turning your urine green because of St. Patrick's Day?
Sandro


I didn't know this, but I don't think it would have mattered if I did. I laughed at the ending -- the artist's newest work, a grand statement on the art world, its practitioners, its critics, its Fabiens.
I like how you used Beefeater the cabbie (I mean Gilby) to set this up.





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Dustin
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 3:00am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Very smart.

I did think the fellatio girl at the end laughing from Fabien's bathroom a little bit off kilter as she wouldn't really be a party to the conversation at all. Unless she thought that she'd missed a joke and laughed off the back of Fabien's laugh in an effort to make it appear that she heard it... but still, it doesn't really fit.

Aside from that tiny little niggle the story is excellent. Superbly written and an absolute pleasure to read. I laughed at Gilby's Thatcher gag, by the way.
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stevemiles
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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Ren,

warning -- may contain spoilers...

Entertaining read throughout.  Witty dialogue and visuals (green dwarves serving drinks, copyrighting a shade of green...), all add a sense of mystery to this reclusive artist and keeps the read lively.  Enjoyed the back and forth between Gilby and Rosie -- good choice to make him an art fan of sorts. Only 12.50 for a 5 page cab ride?  Clearly not a black cab...

My only gripe would be the payoff.  Much as it suits the idea it did feel a little underwhelming given the length of the set-up.  I like the idea of Hughdy making his critics a part of his Ďartí -- but it is rather subtle -- in the sense it impacts only a chosen few in relative privacy.  Now had he somehow turned their skin/faces his shade of green instead...  

Anyways, all good fun.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Sandro
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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R.E.

My bad. Updated my post with a spoiler warning.
Didn't realise we're not supposed to go in-depth. Makes it kind of hard to review though.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandro
R.E.

My bad. Updated my post with a spoiler warning.
Didn't realise we're not supposed to go in-depth. Makes it kind of hard to review though.


No one ever said you have to put a spoiler warning at the beginning of a review. In-depth reviews are most welcome! So, you're good.  



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Sandro
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the heads up, Angry Bear.

I thought it was kind of strange; why would anyone read comments about a script they haven't read anyway?
Message boards are usually all about spoilers and going in-depth.
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colkurtz8
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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R

Cool to see this back on the boards...in a much more streamlined form...or so I thought.

Has much changed from the old version?

Oh and can I take some responsibility in this most pleasant of resurrections?

Too late, I already have. Your welcome.

Col.


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LC
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
No one ever said you have to put a spoiler warning at the beginning of a review. In-depth reviews are most welcome! So, you're good.  

That's right, no-one says you have to, but I think it's polite to put in a SPOILER ALERT, so as not to give away a crucial plot point or denouement, so it can be a surprise/reveal for the next reader.

I'm sure I'm guilty of giving the game away at some point too, so not to make you feel bad, Sandro, but I think it's something to keep in mind out of respect for the author, for all of us, I mean. Jmh.


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Sandro
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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LC, I understand, but as I basically pointed out in my last post: complaining about spoilers on a message board is like complaining about an abundance of senior citizens at a morning bingo.

We're here to review and discuss scripts, this is only possible AFTER having read the work. Personally I think it's more disrespectful to the author to read the comments beforehand to see whether the script is worth reading at all. These are short scripts, you won't spent hours reading them. So why not go in fresh without any preconceived notions?
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LC
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from Sandro
So why not go in fresh without any preconceived notions?

Why not go in fresh, indeed.

It is however naive to think other people don't read comments.



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Dustin
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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I usually go in fresh... often without even reading the logline, especially if it's from one of the regulars as I feel assured that it's going to be a pleasing read.

If it's not a regular, then I will read the comments to see if it's worth reading or not. I respect what many of the regular members here think so am quite happy to have preconceived notions going in.... doesn't mean I will agree with them though.

[SPOILER ALERT<<<<<<<<<<<<<>SPOILER ALERT<>>>>>>>>>>>>>SPOILER ALERT]

I do have an idea for an alternate ending which will cut the page count somewhat. Once they go to see what it is the artist has to show them and they walk through those white corridors. Rather than that, have Rosie walk along a single white corridor and maybe have a portaloo, or an actual toilet sitting at the end of it. Of course, already desperate, she will get that there's a catch and use the toilet, then comes the punchline.
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Sandro
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
If it's not a regular, then I will read the comments to see if it's worth reading or not.


Didn't think of this. Makes sense. I'll be sure to include spoilers alerts in future comments.
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