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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Sin Once, Sin Twice Moderators: bert
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  Author    Sin Once, Sin Twice  (currently 1495 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2015, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sin Once, Sin Twice by Darryl Wilkerson Sr. - Horror - The year is "1862", The Cussmount Plantation, in South Carolina, where a beautiful young woman and her newborn daughter, were killed by her brutal and jealous husband. Now one hundred and thirty seven years later, the undead young women, seeks revenge against the present day "Cussmount "family members, that destroy her life. ( 109 pages / PDF ) - pdf, format


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Max
Posted: August 3rd, 2015, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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I didn't have a chance to read your Dracula script, but I'll make a quick comment on this.

Page 5 -


Quoted Text
A. John Henry,is screaming Toufa,s name as he,Peter and the
overseers,reach
the slave quarters. Some of the
slaves,men,women and children,run out to see what,s going
on.
John Henry stops and hands Peter,one of the
shotguns,then starts shooting,at anyone who comes towards
them. Three,four,five,slaves are shot,falling to the
ground.Peter and the overseers,light up torches,and throw
then at the slaves huts,where fire begins to spread.

B.Chaos and Confusion erupts all around the slave quarters.
The big slave "Toufa",living four houses down,see,s John
Henry shooting people down,starts running for his
life,through the back end of the plantation.
John
Henry,Peter,and his overseers,start running after him.
John
Henry,yells at "Toufa",to stop "Nigger",but Toufa keeps on
running. John Henry aims and fires,hitting "Toufa",in the
back.


C.Toufa,tired and bleeding,try's to get up,but the overseers
grab him first,and drag him back to the slave quarters,and
beats on him,so everyone can see it.
John
Henry,curses,shouts,about "Niggers"being put in their place.
Peter throws a heavy rope,over a old oak tree,where they
drag Toufa,under it,ties his arms,and his legs,and puts the
rope over his neck.
The overseers help pull the rope down,as
"Toufa",is stung up high in the air,their
to hang to death.

D.A few days later,John Henry went into his wife,s
bedroom,where Cynthia Clark Cussmount,was taking care ofher
little girl. Afraid and scare for her life,she grabs the
baby,and lays back
down in bed. John Henry takes one look at
the negro looking baby,and loses control of himself. He
drags her out of the bed,proceeds to slap and hit
her,cursing her name.
She hits the floor hard,bleeding
slowly.
John Henry tells her that"YOU NEVER SEE THIS BABY
EVER AGAIN".
He picks up the clild,walks over to the water
fill, iron tub,and the throws the baby in,to drown it.

Cynthia stares in horror at what John Henry had done. She
gets up and runs towards him,screaming"Don't kill my baby".
John Henry,hits her with a close fist,knocking her
down,while he was holding the baby down,under water.
She got
up again,jumping on his back,as she fought hard for her
baby,s life.
But this time,John Henry hit her so hard,she
flew back,tripping over a table,and crashing through the
three floor window.
She landed on on top of a white wooden
fence,that surround the main house. A large,slim,piece of
pointed wood,was sticking out of her chest,that went through
her heart.
She died instantly,with her eyes open. John
Henry,ran over to the broken window,looking down at his
wife,s broken body
,and starts to laugh out loud. Then he
went back and drown the baby,and buried it ,some ten miles
away from the plantation.


E. When the county police came,John Henry explain what
happen,and the police rule it an accident. Cynthia Clark
Cussmount,was buried in the Family,s plot. Now the Cussmount


This is completely unacceptable, and the problems with this screenplay started before Page 5.  You simply cannot write a screenplay like this, or anything for that matter because it's riddled with so many errors.

EVERYTHING IN BOLD IS AN ERROR.
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Ryan1
Posted: August 5th, 2015, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



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Regarding your logline, 1999 is not considered "present day."  Also, dump the 2011 copyright date on the cover.  You don't want people knowing the script is four years old.

Everything Max said about your format is correct.  Read some more scripts or buy a book on screenwriting.
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