Elevator Conversations by Pablo Vizcarrondo - Short, Drama - Eliana gets stuck in an elevator with whom she believes to be an ordinary man, but he indeed becomes her savior.  8 pages - pdf, format

Hi Pablo:

There is some good stuff here but I think there are two over arching issues:

1. Elena's actions are way over the top - she doesn't sound upset - she sounds psychotic.
For example, when the elevator first stalls:

Quoted Text Eliana continues pressing "8," but nothing happens at all. She does the same to the "open" button and gets the same response.  Eliana falls to her knees and cries aloud.

I just couldn't see a grown woman doing that along with the reactions and actions she had in subsequent scenes. She reacted like a six year old.

2. The ending is really predictable about half way into the script making it kind of end with a dull thump.  I really think you need some kind of twist here.

Good luck with this.

Gave this a read, some thoughts, just mho of course...

1) I think you can do more with the Slug or description to set the scene, we start in BUILDING, in front of an elevator... what sort of building, what sort of elevator etc?
2) I liked the initial exchange between Omar and Eliana, starts well...
3) Her reaction to the elevator stopping seems too abrupt and OTT for me, could be built more gradually for more dramatic impact.
4) Your dont really need the CONTINUEDs, you should be able to turn them off in your screenwriting software.
5) Watch out for wrylies like 'informative' which are then followed by a question, what Omar asks isn't informative at all.
6) Have a check for typos, saw a to that should be too, a get that should be gets (minor issue but might as well fix)
7) I spotted where this was going pretty early on, was hoping for a differn't twist (like Omar been another prospective employee).
Have a think about what Eliana says in the elevator too, if I were Omar i'd take umbrage at statements like 'I even have copies of every bad investment the company has ever made', it's normally considered bad form to  criticise the company you want to work for... could be positioned as 'I've reviewed some of your previous Investments and think I have identified some additional strategies to optimise them'

Any, there's some promise here but I think it needs some additional work.

Anthony

Pablo E. Vizcarrondo III. That's a name to be jealous of.

Slight spoilers ahead.

I agree with most of the things mentioned in the earlier posts. You have a pretty solid basis that could be improved greatly fairly easily, if you take (some of) the feedback here to heart.

I'm not one of those people who spots twists early on (nor do I believe the majority of the people who claim they do), so a twist has to be pretty damn predictable for me to see it coming.

I suspected yours on page 1:

Quoted Text ELIANA Does Omar have a last name? OMAR I do, but I keep that too myself. I don't want anyone to look at me differently. I'm not prideful at all. I just work here.

On page 2 my suspicions were strengthened:

Quoted Text ELIANA Which floor? Omar observes "8" is pushed. OMAR That sounds good to me.

On page 3 I was all but sure of it:

Quoted Text Omar opens his hand to Eliana. She hands him the documents. Omar reviews them. His eyes become big as does his smile.

You give a lot of hints to your twist in your action description, entirely unnecessarily so. Why does Omar have to smile like the Grinch when he's handed the documents? Or when Eliana is covering her eyes? It's all much too obvious.

Having said all this though, the twist is not in the least original anyway. Even AnthonyCawood's throwaway suggestion is better than your current one.

And you indeed have a lot of typos in this very short script. Personally, I reread my work at least two or three times before allowing anyone else to lay their eyes on it. But, hey, that's me and my neuroticism.

Again, this is far from a lost cause, it just needs a little more work and tweaking. Buena suerte.


Sandro

Pablo,

The others have said most of what I've wanted to say while reading this. While it is a good short, it could be better, and the people above me have given you some really great points!

Tone down on Omar's character hints that he will be revealed later as someone higher. Tone down on Eliana's reactions to the elevator—we get that it's the interview of her life, but nobody is going to break down crying because the elevator had stopped working. I would understand her getting that upset if, say, the elevator started to shake a little and threatened to fall at any moment, but not because she's showing up late for an interview. If anything, I would be more pissed than sad.

Proofread your script as much as you can, or have someone do it for you. The typos you've made are easy to miss but producers and directors will most likely turn it away if it's riddled with mistakes. Even more, check your slugs too. The one that bothered me the most (and it happened more than once) was: INT. OUTSIDE ELEVATOR - DAY. That makes no sense. It should either be: EXT. ELEVATOR - DAY, or INT. BUILDING - OUTSIDE ELEVATOR - DAY, or something along those lines.

I liked the story, and on the plus side, this would be really easy to make!

Sean

Hi, everyone. It's Pablo. Thank you so much for the comments. I am now able to make the script a lot better. Moreover, I will be able to include the ideas in this post within my future scripts. Thank you  all!

Quoted from Pablo Hi, everyone. It's Pablo. Thank you so much for the comments. I am now able to make the script a lot better. Moreover, I will be able to include the ideas in this post within my future scripts. Thank you  all!

You are more than welcome - good luck

Pablo,

Comments go up and down.

You've heard this before, but this one is predictable. You need a way to have a reveal.  

The woman responds poorly to a fairly routine problem. Who would hire her?  Give her a way to save the day, she gets hired.

The writing is ok, but you can make it sharper.

Best
Richard