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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Colony Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Colony  (currently 1915 views)
Don
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Colony by Andrew Herlan - Action, Adventure - A collection of planets that millions of earthlings colonize, accessed through a wormhole. After aliens attack Earth, the colony is cut off from their home when the wormhole is destroyed, leaving them hundreds of travel years away. Ten years later, a cop who lost his family in the invasion investigates a mysterious death that leads to a strange conspiracy involving the invasion and the prophecy of a new religion. 100 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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This is pretty cool. I like your writing style. Haven't decided if I would watch this in a theater. Reads like a good book but in a screenplay style. Read a book like that once. Nice job at creating tone with your words, feels film noir.  I get a bit of Blade Runner. By page 12 I would expect to know what the point is and maybe this branium dead guy is it. We'll see.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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The
kid confused. Page 16

INT. ROOM 1423
The cop lays on the bed in his towel

Not sure why you call Ben 'the cop.' Makes me think I am looking at someone else before I realize it's Ben. This is a book thing.

The package into a small basket on a tube. Page 21

That's the last I will comment on grammar, you get the point, because there are more.

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cloroxmartini  -  August 9th, 2015, 11:56am
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Page 31...I like Lisa

She takes a moment.
                         NINA
          Did you just call me ugly?

That's funny

SEBASTIAN,
late 20’s, impeccably dressed and very muscular, stands in
the back of the hall. He looks over the crowd with a wary
eye. Occasionally his head twitches absently. Somethin’ not
right with this boy.

Love that
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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       JACKSON
          Then that’s the place to look. I’ll get
          a team together.
Ben stops him.
                         BEN
          They went out there for a purpose.
          They’d see us comin’ a mile away.
Jackson realizes something.
                         JACKSON
          So you’re going to go alone. I’m glad
          I’m not your momma. I’d probably have
          died of stress years ago.

They would see anyone coming a mile away
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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INT. MAR COMPOUND
The big man steps down a walkway, though the steam. Comes
upon Cliff who looks up to something.
                         SEBASTIAN
          Well, this is it. I thought it was a bit
          crazy at first. But I really do believe
          him. And just imagine what it�ll be
          like afterwards. We�ll be heroes. Gods.
Sebastian smiles wickedly. The other man glances to a side
area and sees Mar and Cremental as they speak at the window
of a room above.
                         HALFORD
          I don�t think that�s what your father
had in mind.
                         SEBASTIAN
          Of course he does. That�s all he ever
          has in mind. And if he doesn�t---I do.
The big goon walks off as Cliff sighs.

You have two characters here, Halford and Sebastian...and Cliff and the other man. The big man and goon I get, but still...
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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 10th, 2015, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Finished. Disappointing, feels like running a race, starting off well, then midway through starting to fade then finishing in the back of the pack.

Weak at the end and I didn't get any sense of conflict. I think it's because Ben doesn't have an adversary matching his level. The alien and Ben, what's the point of that? There is no urgency about this bomb or any consequences from using it. In the end it doesn't matter anyway. You have Ben clue finding then conveniently it's all wrapped up. I didn't feel that anything was at stake here and it finishes with nothing ever being at stake.

The writing style seemed to fade as well. I called it noir up front then simple action at the end.

Overall I like the way you write and I pointed out what I find distracting. Hope you figure out how to get back on track.
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vancety
Posted: August 12th, 2015, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline: "leaving them hundreds of travel years away..."

I guess you mean hundreds of "LIGHT YEARS"
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