Brass Flower by Kyle Smead - Short, Dramatic Thriller - A decorated combat veteran receives an honorable discharge and returns home to suspect that his wife has been cheating on him with the neighbor. 13 pages - pdf, format

Hey Derek,

This is going to be a long post, so let's get right down to it:

[SPOILER AHEAD]

Quoted Text A pale morning light falls through the front door window of Derek's home. DEREK, 44, high and tight, wilting frame, battle camouflage uniform, sits on a wooden bench lacing up black leather boots.

It's unnecessary to mention it's Derek house because he's in it. Not to mention that you so casually mention his name before we even know who he is.

Quoted Text Dark wooden cabinets encase the room, walls are dark purple. A bouquet of red roses rest in a vase on the counter. MARY, 32, brown hair, brown eyes, apron, tired from her marriage, looks out a window while washing dishes

That's a whole lot of unnecessary detail. The part in bold is an unfilmable.

Then there's the POVs, I won't insert them here because there's so much of them. Not only did it become annoying but oftentimes it was quite confusing as well. I would considering dropping all of them, especially because there doesn't seem to be any reason why you employ them.

Quoted Text SGM KERNS (O.S)

Pedantic quibble alert: you're missing a period after the S in O.S.

Quoted Text Derek doesn't say a word or move his attention away from staring into nothing. SGM Kerns lifts his eye brows and get out of his chair. He walks to a door behind Derek, opens it to line of SOLDIERS standing at attention in the hallway. He walks back around Derek and sits in his chair behind the desk.

First of all, I was sure SGM is an abbreviation of some kind of military rank but I didn't guess any further than "sergeant". Most of your readers are going to be non-military folks, so it might be wise to just introduce him as "Sergeant Major KERNS" and then refer to him simply as "Kerns" throughout.
Secondly, why does Kerns get up, open a door and then sit back down again? It was especially confusing because that's literally the end of the scene.

Quoted Text ERIC (V.O) (younger voice) Enjoy retirement!!

Younger than whose voice?

Quoted Text PLATOON, 20's, clean and athletic voices from all over the United States. PLATOON (V.O) One, two, three. May all your troubles - Apathetic, Derek gazes out the driver's side window. PLATOON (V.O) (CONT'D) - be forgotten.

You introduce a whole platoon as a character, I had to read it two or three times before I got what you meant. Also, the way you broke up their one line of dialogue with an action line makes for a very awkward read.

Quoted Text Inside the SUV, CHILD #1, 6, dress, long hair, doll, CHILD #2, 10, t-shirt, jeans, jumping up and down in the backseat, SUV DRIVER, 32, short hair, athletic male, looks at his wife, SUV PASSENGER, 26, dark hair. Derek turns back facing the windshield. His hands grasp the steering wheel and he looks at himself in the rear view mirror when a Red Car, CAR DRIVER, 24, dark curly hair, PASSENGER, 22, flat top, glasses, shoots past in the left lane, SLAMMING into the SUV. WOMAN DRIVER, 33, dark blonde hair, business suit, gets out of the black car stopped in front of Derek.

These paragraphs are stuffed with so much unnecessary detail (you literally give every single character a description and age) that I had the hardest of times processing all that information, only to find out that I didn't need to know like 80% of it. This happens throughout your script.

Quoted Text WOMAN DRIVER (to herself) Oh My God! Oh my God! Cell phone, where are you. Ah.. Got it. Okay, Call 911. (into cell phone) Yes. A car accident has taken place on 5th and Everton. It is bad

Very unrealistic and awkward dialogue. You're also missing a period at the very end of it. And "Ah.. Got it." should be something like "Ah, got it."

Quoted Text Derek leans forward over the steering wheel and winces to get a better look at what is going on.

What does wincing have to do with getting a better look? Is the steering wheel jamming into him when he does so, or what?

Quoted Text DEREK (CONT'D) Take deep breaths, starting at one. She acknowledges, shaking her head. CAR DRIVER Okay. DEREK One. Derek inhales deeply. Car Driver inhales deeply. DEREK (CONT'D) And out. Derek exhales, leading Car Driver. DEREK (CONT'D) Two. Car driver inhales. DEREK (CONT'D) And out. Car Driver exhales.

I see what you went for here but it's very unpleasant to read. Your writing should be as smooth as possible, not staccato.

Quoted Text DEREK (CONT'D) He's fine. Ready. Car Driver shakes her head again.

Missing a question mark.

Quoted Text Derek stands in front of the cars, frozen and quenching for more. He is strong and wet from the rain. He looks at the destruction from the wreck and turns his head towards an American Flag dripping in the rain.

I have nothing against America, but... come on. Not only is it vomit-inducingly patriotic but the "slo-mo waving Star-Spangled Banner behind the hero" thing has been done to death.

Quoted Text INT. DEREK'S OFFICE - DAY

The preceding scenes take place in the morning, so when I read "DAY" in that slugline I assumed it was next the day. It should be "AFTERNOON", especially because the next scenes take place in the "EVENING".

Quoted Text A SONG from the 1970's plays on a vintage wooden. Combat Infantry Badge, Bronze Star, Operation Iraqi Freedom, and medals of war achievements are encased in glass boxes on the walls. Pictures of different platoons are framed with thin borders and hang centered on the wall behind Derek's wooden desk. A wooden book case filled with encyclopedias rests against the wall. Next to it is a wooden gun cabinet. Inside of the gun cabinet are several guns; M4 semi automatic rifle, pump action shotgun, 30-30, 30 Ott 6, Single Shell Shotgun, Magnum, 50 caliber pistol, 40 caliber pistol, 38 caliber pistol, and a 22 caliber pistol.

I think you know what I'm gonna say here. Rarely have I stumbled upon so much detail in a script.

Quoted Text Mary walks into the office holding a large bright smile. It is clear that she is hiding something.

Holding a smile? And how is it clear she's hiding something?

Quoted Text MARY (CONT'D) (peppy) Okay then, I'll make sandwiches. You've always liked sandwiches.

Sandwiches is such a general type of food that it seems odd for her to say that.

Quoted Text DEREK (CONT'D) A woman in a red car got into an accident on Traverse Street. MARY That's horrible. DEREK She drove through a red light, smacking into a blue SUV with four passengers.

Now you're also putting unnecessary details into your dialogue.

Quoted Text DEREK I got out of my car and went to her. Mary slides her chair back and stands up. She grabs the tray of sandwiches and walks it over to Derek. She sets the tray down and walks back to her seat. DEREK (CONT'D) She couldn't have been much older than 20, reminded me of when we met.

Mary's action will take a good twenty to thirty seconds to complete. It's going to be quiet for so long in between Derek's two lines?

Quoted Text DEREK I asked didn't I. MARY You were a real gentlemen about it. And you wore brown underwear. DEREK I still have them. MARY I got rid of mine.

Missing another question mark on the first line. And what's the deal with the brown underwear? It instantly reminded me of this:

Quoted Text Derek gets up from the table and picks up his plate, silverware, and glass. He - KITCHEN -- carries his dishes into the kitchen and places them into the sink. He plugs it, turns on the FAUCET and looks out the front window seeing -

Another case of very strange and confusing formatting. Never seen action broken up like that with mini-slugs. And why use both the mini-slug "KITCHEN" and mention that he's going to the... kitchen. This happens several times throughout.

Alright, that's about most of the technical issues. Now, I want to mention that if you wrote this script for yourself to direct, then you can pretty much ignore all the instance of "too much detail" and "camera direction". It's all fine if you're going to direct.

I have absolutely zero interest in the military, so I know I'm not your target audience. Having said that, I still don't think this a very good story, or if it's even a story at all. Your protagonist, who remains a complete unknown to me from start to finish, just goes through a few seemingly random events only to shoot himself at the end. Your overt detailing of his gun collection pretty much blew that surprise, by the way.

I see this working as some sort of a anti-military ad or a highly controversial after-school special. But I just don't think it would make for a good movie, as it is.

Apologies for the length and for my harshness and negativity. This is merely my humble opinion; take it to heart or ignore it completely, it's all good.

To end on a positive note, despite the many formatting errors, you do seem to have a substantial enough comprehension of scriptwriting to take this to the next level. As everyone keeps advising here; read, read, read more scripts. It really helps.

All the best.


Sandro