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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2015 7 Week Challenge  ›  The Last Blue Blood Vampire - 2015 7WC - Feature Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The Last Blue Blood Vampire - 2015 7WC - Feature  (currently 3399 views)
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Last Blue Blood Vampire by Dustin Bowcott - Horror - An unbeknownst descendant of the Van Helsings must finish what her family started when the last vampire, kept alive and farmed for her blue blood that gives users vampire powers for one night, escapes and seeks her rightful place as ruler of the planet. 93 pages - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Last blue blood vampire

A few notes as I went. Further thoughts will follow..

Minerva - man or woman
I was thrown a touch between the Van and removal men - could the new van pull up to show its separate?
Glen - man or woman, ah ha. Her arms... Where's sweats...gone all American have you
I assume Glen didn't order the removal men?
The dodgy politician at a press release...didn't you have another script with this kind of start? It's not an issue just felt familiar
Oh that's nice in the morgue....not a kids movie then
If she has money, you do wonder why she didn't pay them to take her stuff to the apartment. Perhaps they could dump it outside, and then remo helps?

P5 I thought we were in the apartment, not the corridor..re incense sticks
P6 just to say you haven't described her apartment, so I have no idea what I'm looking at, so to speak
P6 is the village a dream or flashback??i only ask as it seems to be connected to her dream state
P10 There a few penis moments so far...eww the Popsicle ...made me shiver
P13 I think my missing dick would concern me more than helping...just saying
P13 neat trick to bring him back to life then die again
P17 I like the kids taunting the pig...sets the tone
P21 set of stairs?
P27 ...is it?
P29 throws some shapes?
P51 - slurp... Ew
P52/53 not sure what that was about...oh he's the guy from the beginning
P56 quite a lot of back story being delivered
P60 like a shark taking a seal...good
P60 killing kids...humm...what to think?
P66 I really haven't been to the best parties !
P69 sighs and points
P72 the slug says disused sewer but your dont describe - I think in general a little bit more description would help your scenes

P74 the homeless - kind of feels they should be in earlier and more often, even if remo is
P82 more hanging kids...

Ok finished.

Not my type of story, but that shouldn't make a difference.

A few quick thoughts.

Vanish - I feel she needs some work. I gathered she was down on her luck, but had some money, but I wasn't sure I knew what she wanted etc one minute she was paying a decorator then going down a club.

Distopian world - suits your weird world script, but I think you could flavour the scene with a little more detail. One minute there are normal press conferences the next something very different.

Beth - she's something. Is she over the top, a little I think. I like the idea that survival depends on some form of treaty, balance. May be this could come in earlier and clearer as something she seeks

Back story - I do feel there is a bit too much of this, for me.

I'll pop in again once I have digested this more. A tricky one for me to review as it's not my thing and I'm possibly not the best at getting the right tone.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

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Reef Dreamer  -  September 13th, 2015, 3:02am
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nawazm11
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Spoilers throughout.

Hey Dustin,

Thought I'd start on this. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the notes because of all the features, but we'll figure it out as we go along.

The first homeless scene reminds me of this small 15 second fragment from A Scanner Darkly where this journalist is spewing some propaganda and is then nicked into a van. Although I doubt that's where you got your inspiration from.

Page 17 so far, there's a weird tone going on with the entire script, horrific yes, but I'm still weighing in between whether it's outrageous enough to be comedic or just simply horrific. I almost feel as if there's a 'wink wink' nature to some of these scenes. Most of the sexual ones at least. Am I perceiving it the wrong way here? Was this intentional? I think a few more opinions would be beneficial in figuring out whether it needs to be toned down or not.

Did they notice the blood on her mouth? Was there blood on her mouth?

Page 21: "GOVERNMENT VAMPIRES" -- okay, I assume this is where the homeless are going to. If so, the reveal might be too obvious, unless of course, that was either your intention or we're going to find out soon anyway. Even then, I'd personally scrap this and wait for it to emerge naturally in the story. Or only drop slight hints.

Page 23: I noticed the 'licks lip' a few times now, is that meant to be visual? Are they actually licking their lips in lust? It feels a bit juvenile, I don't think I've seen any adult do this.

Just caught onto the sneaky gender change of the protag on this page, funnily enough, I did the same thing.

Page 33: "Vanish clasps one of the
syringes and plunges it into her arm." Her own arm? Might need to be specific here.

I'd also give the club a name considering we're staying here a while.

Page 45: "Like in the movies?" I'd scrap this line.

Page 57: A lot of exposition, granted, it obviously helps the reader adjust but I'd argue the story's pacing was fine before this. It just felt like we stagnated at a certain point as we talked and talked and talked. It's not badly done, but I'd honestly rethink a simpler way for it to work. Or at least a way in which the story or character is active, maybe she somehow discovers it?

I'm also a little confused by how much blood these vampires need to survive. It seems it's a shit load, what if her being parched before she bites his uh, knob off, but I wonder how it was possible to farm the blood in the exposition montage unless they had tens and thousands of humans. And even then, I'm not sure how long that would last a population of large vampire communities. I suppose the real question is how much blood the human body produces -- but I'm struggling to imagine it if all I have to go on is Beth's seemingly unquenchable thirst.

Finished. Damn, a brutal ending, can't say I'm a fan of how it ended, I'd honestly rethink it so it isn't so based on pure bad luck that Vanish loses. After everything, the cops mow her ass down? I think it's a good lesson that it's hard to truly recognize evil, thus, Beth just keeps fucking her way to oblivion. I'm still not a fan of the ending though, unexpected and underwhelming.

As for the script, I thought I had a lot of violence and pure evil stuff in mine, but my script is a playground compared to your bloodbath.

The script starts out strong, but after the first act or so, I feel as if it kind of dwindles down and once more, it just becomes underwhelming. A few issues I had --

The story was very contained for a while, Vanish spends most of her time in an apartment, in fact, most of the story early on takes place around there specifically. It was a welcome addition when we moved to the club with the blue blood psychopaths ripping corpses off of the cross and such -- that was probably the strongest part about the script. But we barely get anything like that. It's always small players messing around and never doing anything recognizable. Granted, this may be because you might have been following the low-med budget requirement. But if not, I'd increase the scale of the script so it isn't so contained to a few boring locations. I'd have them directly be a build up of the story. I know it's the whole 'mother left the apartment' but that's a minor point compared to everything else going on. What other significance does it hold? She should be where the action is.

This brings me to my next point, which I think is the script's biggest downfall. Actually, no, I want to get to that later. But I first want to talk about Beth/Vanish. Their lack of involvement until the final few pages is really a burden on the reader. It's unfortunately straining that they don't at least butt heads in any way shape or form until the end. Instead, we have these little guys, who seemed to be on their own side (that may be wrong, feel free to correct me), basically a hindrance to our protag until she finds her way to the real action, or is actually helped there by somebody else. That's the problem I had, that the opposing forces took too long to clash in any meaningful way. Beth's in her own story with 0 involvement from Vanish, whilst Vanish is in her own story with 0 involvement from Beth until the very end. Or at least, that's how I felt. I might get back to you on this one.

Vanish on that end too, takes a back seat the whole story. And I honestly really think that's a huge problem. She never really does anything herself, the story waits for her to react instead of the story reacting to her. She's in the bleachers when she should be ready to pitch. Everybody helps her get somewhere -- and I know, that's a part of her character, but it makes her really weak as a character. Everybody involves her in something, she doesn't outwardly express any action until it's dealt to her, I'm not sure how to explain it. She needs a chance to develop by her making her own decisions, it almost felt like Beth was in control. I wrote somewhere in my little note file (not posted) that it's page something or other and Vanish had done anything but be pushed around for the story.

I'm not sure, honestly, this is all my opinion, which is simply an opinion and nothing more. For a seven week's effort? It's definitely not bad, a lot of mythology and story covered which is hard to do. Some gruesome images, the erotic-horror, that works -- but the lack of activeness in Vanish and the scale/conflict of the relationship between the villain and the protag could use some work. Good luck, mate.
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ChrisBodily
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I'm on page 13. Pretty good so far. I'll try to continue tomorrow.

Dr. Abraham? Vali Helstig? Dragul? I see what you're doing here, and I love it.

Can't wait to read the rest.

Sept. 15: I'm gonna stop for tonight. Pg 53 so far.


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ChrisBodily  -  September 15th, 2015, 10:24pm
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Toby_E
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Dustin,

Read to page 63.

I've got a meeting shortly, so I will try to finish your script this afternoon. If not, definitely this evening when I get back from work.

Below are my thoughts on the story so far. If anything that I have said is unclear, just let me know and I'll do my best to clarify my points.

P. 3 – “Thank you, Mordecai, is everything?” This line read awkwardly, almost as if it was missing something?

“Abraham locks the door and listens against the wood for a while then moves back to Beth. He strips Beth’s robe away then massages his penis while staring at her naked body.” OK, I was not expecting that...! Haha. Way to shock your reader, just four pages in. Good stuff.

P. 10 – “A crunching sound as Beth bites off his penis and, holding it in her hand like a Popsicle, sucks the blood out of it.” Holy crap, haha.

That scene was intense.

P. 24 – This scene description was a little confusing, what with all the cars. You intro Gordon and his wife, with no mention about the wife’s car. Two cars pull up. Then the kids are jumping into a car. I automatically assumed they were jumping into one of the cars that pulled up. Maybe establish that Rhonda is standing by a car of her own.

30 pages in, and still no real sense of a story emerging. It’s just one shocking scene after another. I’m all for shock value, but not for the sake of forgoing a story. Vanish seems to be our protag, at least, we’re discovering most of the city through her eyes, but she just seems to be drifting from A-to-B without a real purpose. It looks like something’s going to happen at this club, but whatever it is, bring this forward. These farmers-and-their-home-movie subplot... I’m really wondering if this is necessary. Sure, it was relatively amusing, but what purpose does it serve? All we learn from it is that Beth is a violent vampire who men find sexy and want to have sex with, but who she will not hesitate to kill... which is exactly what we already knew, from the scene with Mordecai. What will be lost if you cut these scenes? I’d argue very little, but by doing so, you can ensure that the focus remains on Vanish (so we know whose story this is), and that her story (whatever it proves to be) will begin earlier.

P. 33 – This is the type of scene that somelike like Gaspar Noe or Nicolas Winding Refn would absolutely nail. In fact, this whole club scene would be right up their alley.

OK, this moment, with Vanish going on the run, should come a lot earlier. With a 90 page script, this should probably be as near to the 25 page mark as possible. This is where the story is finally starting… but you’ve only got 60 pages left now to tell it.

P. 40 – “He has a virus, a sexual disease. I gave it to him when he fucked me with his flaccid, little dick.” This is great.

Maybe I was a little premature to claim that Vanish’s story has started… 10 pages later and she’s still in bed.

P. 44 – I feel this reveal, with the photograph, would work better if we’ve already seen Vanish’s mum, whether that be in a photograph that she has in her wallet, or through some other means. I know that she was put up for adoption, so maybe she wouldn’t have a photograph… maybe a brief dream, showing Vanish’s mum from Vanish’s POV as a baby, or something similar, would work better? I don’t know. But either way, I feel this needs to be established before.

I seriously feel that Vanish needs to be the focus of this story… Not Gordon and Beth. I know that these guys are going to play a role later in the story, so I’m not saying remove them; just dial back their involvement, and beef up Vanish’s. Because, as of right now, Beth and Gordon are in the driver’s seat.

This mythology is pretty cool, and handled well in the flashbacks… But yet, it feels like just another obstacle delaying the start of your story.

P. 51 – ABRAHAM: Where is she?

MINERVA: I hope this doesn’t mean what I think it does.

ABRAHAM: Stop playing games, Minerva. You don’t love her like I do. You never could.

I’m not really sure what this exchange means, bro? I know that they’re talking about Beth, but I’m not sure as to either person’s stance on the matter.

Page 57… This is where the story is finally starting! Vanish is the last vampire hunter. Beth’s the last vampire. Vanish’s goal is to kill Beth… Our protag really needs a reason to exist, something that drives the story, before page 57, bro. Think about what’s happened so far. Vanish has moved house. Paid a homeless guy to paint her house. Gone to a club, where she’s been attacked. Escaped. Fallen asleep. Now listened to a story for 20 pages. There’s something here, definitely. The mythology is great. But you need to get to the meat a lot quicker.


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RichardR
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Dustin,

First, congrats on completing the SP in the window provided.  It isn't easy.  Here we go.

Page 1.   It’s probably me, but I don’t recognize ‘removal men’…movers?

Page 2.   my pet peeve.   ‘just’ do you need it?   The press conference works but could be a bit more dramatic.   Say, instead of a question and answer, a homeless man breaks in and accuses the mayor of killing his brethren.   The bodyguards haul him out.

Page 3.   ‘lies’ is awkward.   Better word?  

Page 4.   The rape scene seems a bit crude.   This is not a ‘g’ rated movie.

Page 6.   ‘floor’ should be ‘ground’, right?   We’re outdoors.   I’m not sure if the village is a dream or some kind of flashback.

Page 7.   Could you give us a better description of the thralls?   What do they look like?

Page 10.   Beth’s feeding is graphic, almost too much.  

Page 11.   is magnolia a color?

Page 16.   I like the farmers.   That they jump to a porn film immediately seems a bit quick.   911 might come first.   Try to help?  

Page 18.   it should be ‘lays’ not ‘lies’ his jacket.  

Page 22.   it’s hard to believe that there would be a ‘feed the homeless’ station.   What are the people thinking?   Wouldn’t such an effort be clandestine?   Anything else is more mouse trap than hellp.

Page 23.   Vanish goes from frumpy homeless helper to vamp?   Why?   There’s no setup for this change.   And Carla is too good to be true.   Hmmm

Page 25.   ‘bitches’ should be ‘bitch’s’.   Gordon needs a better line than ‘a few beers first’.   Make it something about sex and brewskis.   Like Beth going after the rats.   Nice touch.   Not ‘quietens’ but ‘quiets’ or something similar.

Page 26.   how do they know that they’re all disposable?   How about a setup for that?   Carla and Vanish just show up?   how about making Carla a recruiter for the club?

Page 32.   we’re going into an orgy of sorts, and it looks like overkill to me.  

Page 36.   beth strikes again.   More blood and gore.  

Page 46.   we get info.   I’m not sure about the cavemen stuff.   needed?   More blood and guts.   How many times in 46 pages?

Page 51.   do we need Minerva cornholing Cor?   What does it add?

Page 58.   do we need the entire breeding history that leads to Beth?  

Page 59.   more tearing out a throat.   And then ripping up a child.   Seems like overkill.

Page 62.   sushuo seems particularly unprepared.   Why?   She’s had decades to prepare for such an attack, and she has only 2 weapons?   Come on.

Page 63.   why this stately home?   Where’s the setup?   And another ripped throat.  

Page 66.   why does C take Vanish to the bathroom?   So he can smash a toilet?

Page 67.   trips on her outstretched hand?   Shouldn’t happen to a villain.  

Page 68.   20 guys try Beth?   Even after the see the others go into fever?  

Page 82.   Abraham runs into a corridor and then wakes up?   I didn’t spot where he went to sleep.

Page 83.   why does Minerva warn Beth?   Why not just shoot her?  

Page 84   armor?   Where did that come from?   And Beth rips out one more throat.  

Page 90   we get vanish to go full vamp which seems to be against the code.   Shouldn’t she win by doing the right thing?

Page 91.   it’s cellar night and Vanish lets in the sunlight?   Wrong slug line I think.

Page 92.   an unsatisfying ending.   Vanish dies and Beth lives?   I understand it means there can be a sequel, but who will fight Beth with Vanish gone?  

There is much to admire in this work, beginning with the fact that you finished it in a short window.   Congrats.   To me, this is a case where less might be more.   How about cutting some of the gore and blood scenes?   Need them all?   Also the sex scenes?   Arrive early, leave late?   The audience will certainly get the gist without the graphic presentation.

I do like the logic of the story.   Blue blood, different strains of vampires, it works for me.   I’m not so sure about the flashbacks.   Again, less might be more.   A single battle scene between helsigs and vampires might be enough.   Also, the Chinese lady would make a good sidekick.   Can you keep her a bit longer, perhaps to the end?   Remo too.   If the three of them are standing at the end.   Beth’s clone growing up in some room at the asylum?   Room for a sequel.  

Best
Richard






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Toby_E
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... picking up where I left of on p. 63...

I am still wondering the benefits of Gordon’s pals in this whole story... Couldn’t we just have Beth making Gordon her slave, without the 10 or so page subplot devoted to the porno?

P. 64 – “Why can’t it be like in the movies and we get to stay like this forever?” Never been the biggest fan of “like in the movies” lines, as I feel these always pull me out of the read, as they remind me that I am in fact reading a film script.

P. 67 – Not the biggest fan of the outstretched hand trip-hazard. That feels like something from a slapstick comedy. Is there no way that Vanish can defeat Corvinus herself, preferably by outsmarting the guy? Are you able to set something up when Vanish and Susho are talking in her apartment earlier? Maybe some kind of weapon plant, which Vanish uses later? Anything other than this present deus ex machina.

OK, finally we have something that’s forcing Vanish to act. This needs to come a lot earlier though, IMO. At the absolute latest, this plot point needs to come at the midpoint...

... That being said, Vanish kills Corvinus, but she’s still refusing to act, still forcing to accept this new opportunity and work towards achieving some kind of goal. In my opinion, by now, we really need the protag to be active, man. None of this “I’m not who you think I am.” This is fine earlier – if anything, this is the exact type of inner conflict that should be driving the early narrative. But now that we’re only 20 pages away from the end of the script, our protag needs to be fully on their way towards achieving their goal.

And even now, Beth’s asking Remo for help... talking about how she’s been framed... (framed for what, I’m not exactly sure; she killed Corvinus, and hasn’t been accused of her Chinese neighbour’s murder?)... but then a day later, and she’s still sitting around in a sewer, eating a sausage. This, in my opinion, epitomises my issue with this script. We’re 15 pages away from the end of the script now, and our protag is yet to drive the story.

... and now Vanish chooses to tag along with the homeless guys? What’s changed? Her dream vision? I don’t know, man. Even now, it’s Remo driving the action. I really feel that Vanish needs to be more active by this part of the story.

P. 80 – “This is where Sushuo said they’re keeping her. Maybe it’s subterfuge.” How did Susho know this? Is there no way for Vanish to work out the location of this herself? Force her to discover some clues, take an active role in taking these guys down? At the moment, this seems like convenience for convenience’s sake.

P. 81 – “Dr Abraham has discovered a way to synthesize the blue blood.” I feel that this discovery needs to be set up a bit better, i.e., Vanish lands on it a bit too easily for my liking.

P. 84 – “I can handle it. It’s in my blood.” Vanish turns too quickly from a reluctant hero to this. It was – what? – ten pages ago that she was sitting around the campfire, eating a sausage, without a care in the world? Why has she suddenly changed? What’s motivated this? I’m glad that she finally seems motivated to take these guys down, but we need this transformation to happen over a period longer than 10ish pages.

P. 85 – I wasn’t the biggest fan of Beth’s exposition-heavy dialogue here. But then again, sometimes these have to be included. Lord knows that I’ve relied on them as well in my entry.

P. 91 – “Vanish throws open the doors leading to outside, allowing in the sunlight.” The slug for the scene is “NIGHT”?

Hmm... A surprisingly nihilistic ending. Not sure how I feel about this. I'm always for a good bit of nihilism, but I'm not sure this story justifies it. The only time I feel these endings work, is if the protag brings this ending on themselves, normally with something related to the character flaw that they just cannot shake, i.e., the greedy guy decides to go back for the sack of gold and dies in the process. Shitty example, but you get the idea. But as it is right now? I'm not sure it works. The downbeat endings happens due to bad luck, with no note of redemption. All we have here is the good guys losing and the bad guys winning. If you want to keep this ending, I feel that Vanish's character is going to need a lot more work, so that this ending doesn't come out of leftfield, as pure bad luck. Set up a flaw and have this be her downfall, which then leads to the nihilistic ending. Go all Shakespeare tradegy on our arse.

Anyway, there was a lot to like here. So I hope my comments don't come across as overly negative, because I really did enjoy this. The read zipped by, and this wasn't just because of the page count. You had some tremendous scenes in here, which really shocked and surprised me, and made me sit up and take note. I especially loved the scenes in the weird torture club. I also thought the blue blood idea was wonderful.

I'll be brief on what I didn't like, because I have already made most of my comments above. But my main issue with this was twofold: Firstly, the story took too long to start (I would seriously consider removing the porno subplot and just simplifying Beth enslaving Gordon, maybe even push this into act 2), and; secondly, Vanish was far too passive, seeming content to do everything but push this story forward. This needs to change, IMO. I would recommend bringing the club scene forward to the end of act 1, then forcing her to spend the rest of act 2 actively working towards achieving her goal... because right now, she seemed content to take the backseat until the final 8 or so pages, which is about 70 pages too late, IMO.

But as I said, there's a lot to like in here. You've got a lot to work with when moving forward.

Solid work for 7 weeks.

Toby.


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ChrisBodily
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Finally finished. Mighty impressive for seven weeks. Not much I can add, but you did have the occasional missing or repeated word, typo, and orphan. But it never really distracted from the story.

9.5 out of 10.


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DustinBowcot
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Minerva - man or woman


I assumed that as it is a girl's name that it would be obvious. I don't think I need to change that.


Quoted Text
I was thrown a touch between the Van and removal men - could the new van pull up to show its separate?


It does pull up. I used the word truck for the removal men.


Quoted Text
Glen - man or woman, ah ha. Her arms...


Yep, I made it clear using the narrative in the very first sentence. Simply reading till the end of the sentence gives you the information. Come on, Bill.. at least read till the end of the sentence before declaring your confusion


Quoted Text
Where's sweats...gone all American have you


Well, trying... apparently they don't have removal men. They call them, movers.


Quoted Text
I assume Glen didn't order the removal men?


No. It does become clear why later.


Quoted Text
The dodgy politician at a press release...didn't you have another script with this kind of start? It's not an issue just felt familiar.


Yes... Fuck the Police had a Mayor with a similar setting to intro him.


Quoted Text
If she has money, you do wonder why she didn't pay them to take her stuff to the apartment. Perhaps they could dump it outside, and then remo helps?


Yeah, it's the way I figured on getting Vanish and Remo (unarmed and dangerous) together. Damsel in distress, he the shining knight.


Quoted Text
P5 I thought we were in the apartment, not the corridor..re incense sticks


The slug says INT. APARTMENT BLOCK


Quoted Text

P6 just to say you haven't described her apartment, so I have no idea what I'm looking at, so to speak


It's an empty apartment, she's just moving in. Honestly, it can be whatever empty apartment you feel fits the narrative.


Quoted Text
P6 is the village a dream or flashback??i only ask as it seems to be connected to her dream state


It's pretty obvious what it is. She's in bed dreaming... we then cut to an Anglo Saxon village. Are you genuinely confused or playing devil's advocate?


Quoted Text
P13 I think my missing dick would concern me more than helping...just saying


He's not helping, it just looks that way because he's too weak to pull her head away. It's quite clear from the narrative. Maybe you were shocked at the events and not reading properly here. It's quite clear.

Code

A crunching sound as Beth bites off his penis and, holding
it in her hand like a Popsicle, sucks the blood out of it.

Mordecai drops to the floor, twitching as blood pumps from
his groin.

With a face more feral than human, Beth tosses the bloodless
penis onto the floor, pushes his arms aside and buries her
face into his groin, slurping hungrily at the blood
ejaculating from it.

Barely clinging to life, Mordecai rests a hand on top of her
head as she bobs up and down at his groin, making it appear
as though he is enjoying the macabre blowjob.



He's dying rapidly... very, very weak. He flops his hand on top of her head because he doesn't have the remaining strength to pull her head away. Do I really have to dumb my stuff down this much? Write down every tiny detail? I specifically wrote, making it appear as though he is enjoying it. Appear. He's barely clinging to life. Everything is there that is required, in my opinion.


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P21 set of stairs?


You must have downloaded this script fairly quickly. I changed that quite soon after I noticed the links were up.


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P27 ...is it?


It's a statement. Not a question. Some people speak like that.


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P29 throws some shapes?


http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/throw-shapes


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P56 quite a lot of back story being delivered


I'm essentially doling out the entire mythology in a few flashbacks. I could try spreading it throughout the script on the next draft


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P60 killing kids...humm...what to think?


I wasn't going to go there, but then thought, why not. It's only fiction.



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P66 I really haven't been to the best parties !


I somehow doubt that.



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P69 sighs and points


Thanks.



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P72 the slug says disused sewer but your dont describe - I think in general a little bit more description would help your scenes


I'm not sure what else I could do to describe the disused sewer. I write disused sewer in the slug then go on to describe a disused sewer in the action? Maybe you mean instil a bit of atmosphere. You're probably right. I don't really get into that stuff until the polish.


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P74 the homeless - kind of feels they should be in earlier and more often, even if remo is


Yeah, they were a late edition. I weaved in the story rapidly before the deadline. I appreciate there will be weaknesses.



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P82 more hanging kids...


It's only like having some blood taken at the doctors



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Vanish - I feel she needs some work. I gathered she was down on her luck, but had some money, but I wasn't sure I knew what she wanted etc one minute she was paying a decorator then going down a club.


Agreed. She was a new protag, before that Fria and Corvinus were good guys with Vanish as Fria's lesbian lover. So she I accept she and her story still need a lot of work.


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Distopian world - suits your weird world script, but I think you could flavour the scene with a little more detail. One minute there are normal press conferences the next something very different.


There has to be a bit of normal. I like the contrast. But I accept the comment on description. I tend to concentrate on story and character development during the early drafts.


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Beth - she's something. Is she over the top, a little I think. I like the idea that survival depends on some form of treaty, balance. May be this could come in earlier and clearer as something she seeks


Yes, her story needs ironing out fully too.


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Back story - I do feel there is a bit too much of this, for me.


I don't feel it is a case of being too much... just too much at once. Within the time I had to finish though... it'll do.


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I'll pop in again once I have digested this more. A tricky one for me to review as it's not my thing and I'm possibly not the best at getting the right tone.


The main thing for me is story and character development. I accept there are weaknesses with Vanish's character... particularly in the more traditional, protag driving the plot type of story. However, I've been investigating alternatives to this method and will likely employ a different strategy, once I figure out the best one for this story. There could be an argument for Beth being the protag... and I may reverse roles for this, in that the protag will be the bad guy and the antag will be the good guy.

Anyway, thanks for the read and the pointers, much appreciated.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 20th, 2015, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from nawazm11
Spoilers throughout.


There isn't any need to signpost it with me. I can often tell when people are copying other comments rather than naturally thinking of it themselves. I'm smart enough to know the good from the bad.



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The first homeless scene reminds me of this small 15 second fragment from A Scanner Darkly where this journalist is spewing some propaganda and is then nicked into a van. Although I doubt that's where you got your inspiration from.


Not sure I've even seen that film. It might have been.


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Page 17 so far, there's a weird tone going on with the entire script, horrific yes, but I'm still weighing in between whether it's outrageous enough to be comedic or just simply horrific. I almost feel as if there's a 'wink wink' nature to some of these scenes. Most of the sexual ones at least. Am I perceiving it the wrong way here? Was this intentional? I think a few more opinions would be beneficial in figuring out whether it needs to be toned down or not.


Like I said, Mo, other opinions on whether this should be toned down or not doesn't make it more right, it just makes more people wrong. Especially with other writers. Yes, there is a deliberate comic tone in certain parts. When the blood is gushing from Mordecai's groin after having his penis bitten off, I expect most people will be a little shocked, especially once she starts drinking the blood gushing from it. Then, when his hand weakly flops on top of her head, making it appear he is enjoying it, I expect a laugh. Maybe a tiny chuckle from some, and more outrageous from others. This is a film for adults. They already know none of this is real... well, they should.


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Did they notice the blood on her mouth? Was there blood on her mouth?


I'm assuming you're talking about the farmer types here (Gordon et al) when they find Beth. Great point, I'll rectify that with a line or two of dialogue.


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Page 21: "GOVERNMENT VAMPIRES" -- okay, I assume this is where the homeless are going to. If so, the reveal might be too obvious, unless of course, that was either your intention or we're going to find out soon anyway. Even then, I'd personally scrap this and wait for it to emerge naturally in the story. Or only drop slight hints.


21 pages is quite a way into the story. I thought it was obvious by now anyway. I'll have to have another look at the story, see if it is worth making it more of a reveal later in the story.


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Page 23: I noticed the 'licks lip' a few times now, is that meant to be visual? Are they actually licking their lips in lust? It feels a bit juvenile, I don't think I've seen any adult do this.


I don't know what you mean. I'll have to take another look.


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Page 33: "Vanish clasps one of the
syringes and plunges it into her arm." Her own arm? Might need to be specific here.


Yep, good point.


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I'd also give the club a name considering we're staying here a while.


It's called the Near Dark club. I double checked and it's all there.


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Page 45: "Like in the movies?" I'd scrap this line.


Yeah. Me too.


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Page 57: A lot of exposition, granted, it obviously helps the reader adjust but I'd argue the story's pacing was fine before this. It just felt like we stagnated at a certain point as we talked and talked and talked. It's not badly done, but I'd honestly rethink a simpler way for it to work. Or at least a way in which the story or character is active, maybe she somehow discovers it?


Yeah, I agree. Now that my back isn't against the wall I can think of ways to write around the weak areas.


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I'm also a little confused by how much blood these vampires need to survive. It seems it's a shit load, what if her being parched before she bites his uh, knob off, but I wonder how it was possible to farm the blood in the exposition montage unless they had tens and thousands of humans. And even then, I'm not sure how long that would last a population of large vampire communities. I suppose the real question is how much blood the human body produces -- but I'm struggling to imagine it if all I have to go on is Beth's seemingly unquenchable thirst.


I don't feel that this is an issue... but I will make it more clear just how many vampire tribes there are.


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Finished. Damn, a brutal ending, can't say I'm a fan of how it ended, I'd honestly rethink it so it isn't so based on pure bad luck that Vanish loses. After everything, the cops mow her ass down? I think it's a good lesson that it's hard to truly recognize evil, thus, Beth just keeps fucking her way to oblivion. I'm still not a fan of the ending though, unexpected and underwhelming.


It';s meant to be underwhelming. The good guy lost. What else could it be but underwhelming. Everyone will be disappointed, maybe even angry. That's good... and something I'm going to enhance on the next draft.


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As for the script, I thought I had a lot of violence and pure evil stuff in mine, but my script is a playground compared to your bloodbath.


Thanks.


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The script starts out strong, but after the first act or so, I feel as if it kind of dwindles down and once more, it just becomes underwhelming. A few issues I had --


I felt the same thing. I do have a different approach in mind for the next draft in terms of handling the second and especially the third act, which I think is shit. It will do for seven weeks work during the holiday period.. but you're quite right. The story does dwindle and become underwhelming around the mid point.


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The story was very contained for a while, Vanish spends most of her time in an apartment, in fact, most of the story early on takes place around there specifically. It was a welcome addition when we moved to the club with the blue blood psychopaths ripping corpses off of the cross and such -- that was probably the strongest part about the script. But we barely get anything like that. It's always small players messing around and never doing anything recognizable. Granted, this may be because you might have been following the low-med budget requirement. But if not, I'd increase the scale of the script so it isn't so contained to a few boring locations. I'd have them directly be a build up of the story. I know it's the whole 'mother left the apartment' but that's a minor point compared to everything else going on. What other significance does it hold? She should be where the action is.


I disagree. Here are the first 9 scene settings:

1. EXT. DOWNTOWN RESIDENTIAL STREET
2. PRESS ROOM
3. ASYLUM DOCTOR'S OFFICE
4. VANISH'S APARTMENT BLOCK
5. WOODS
6. CABIN
7. VANISH'S BEDROOM
8. ANGLO SAXON VILLAGE
9. CASTLE DRAGUL

It continues in that vein. The story isn't contained at all. Vanish is contained to her apartment until she goes to the club... perhaps that is what you mean. In that respect... you're right. Something to think about. It takes her 21 pages to move away from that area. Like I said though, I'm going to a draft where I tell this story from Beth's side. See how that works out.


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This brings me to my next point, which I think is the script's biggest downfall. Actually, no, I want to get to that later. But I first want to talk about Beth/Vanish. Their lack of involvement until the final few pages is really a burden on the reader. It's unfortunately straining that they don't at least butt heads in any way shape or form until the end. Instead, we have these little guys, who seemed to be on their own side (that may be wrong, feel free to correct me), basically a hindrance to our protag until she finds her way to the real action, or is actually helped there by somebody else. That's the problem I had, that the opposing forces took too long to clash in any meaningful way. Beth's in her own story with 0 involvement from Vanish, whilst Vanish is in her own story with 0 involvement from Beth until the very end. Or at least, that's how I felt. I might get back to you on this one.


It's a fair point, it's exactly how I felt too, so I cannot disagree.


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Vanish on that end too, takes a back seat the whole story. And I honestly really think that's a huge problem. She never really does anything herself, the story waits for her to react instead of the story reacting to her. She's in the bleachers when she should be ready to pitch. Everybody helps her get somewhere -- and I know, that's a part of her character, but it makes her really weak as a character. Everybody involves her in something, she doesn't outwardly express any action until it's dealt to her, I'm not sure how to explain it. She needs a chance to develop by her making her own decisions, it almost felt like Beth was in control. I wrote somewhere in my little note file (not posted) that it's page something or other and Vanish had done anything but be pushed around for the story.


I agree again. I know this is a weakness with the script, but I've discovered a workaround that I'm going to experiment with.



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I'm not sure, honestly, this is all my opinion, which is simply an opinion and nothing more. For a seven week's effort? It's definitely not bad, a lot of mythology and story covered which is hard to do. Some gruesome images, the erotic-horror, that works -- but the lack of activeness in Vanish and the scale/conflict of the relationship between the villain and the protag could use some work. Good luck, mate.


Thanks. I will be rewriting this soon, I just have to concentrate on a few other things first.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 20th, 2015, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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just letting you know I'm 30 pages in so far. Lots of sex in this one...  


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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 21st, 2015, 8:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
just letting you know I'm 30 pages in so far. Lots of sex in this one...  


I'm more influenced by the Hammer horror films and there was always plenty of suggestive sex in those. These days though, we need to go all the way to impress on this level. Suggestion can also work, so long as we've already seen the outcome, as it can help avoid repetition.

That's the difficulty here... I think one reviewer, Bill, made mention of the amount of times a throat was ripped out. It's a vampire horror, they rip throats out... but once you've seen it, it becomes less gruesome. It's actually a fair point. I could make excuses, but really, I should try to figure out a way around it.

Send me your script over and I'll add it to the queue.
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nawazm11
Posted: September 23rd, 2015, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot

I don't know what you mean. I'll have to take another look.


I meant, we've seen a lot of folks lick their lips, actually, only two, maybe the visual was just striking. I just haven't seen grown men lick their lips honestly, but it may be a cultural thing.


Quoted from DustinBowcot

It's called the Near Dark club. I double checked and it's all there.


Oh, okay, that's the name of the club? I just thought that was a description of the club in the slug.


Quoted from DustinBowcot

Vanish is contained to her apartment until she goes to the club... perhaps that is what you mean.


Yep, that's what I meant. Re: on making Beth the protagonist, or telling the story from her POV -- I was going to suggest that, but I wasn't sure on how well it would work. In saying that though, the people trying to suppress her are pretty damn fucked up and evil themselves, especially in the beginning where the audience attaches themselves to the poor helpless girl that's caged up. I do think if you play it right, it might work immensely well as she was the driving force for most of this story. Good luck with this, mate.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 23rd, 2015, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

thank you for taking part in this year's 7WC. It's not an easy challenge, but IMHO, much more useful than the OWC. I LOVE the OWC, always have, but features is really where it's at and being forced to write one fast is part of being a pro writer. Pro writers often get two weeks to write a first draft, not 7, so it's a good intro to the real deal.

About your script, it actually reminded me a little bit of being fifteen and watching Caligula. Lots of violence and sex in that one too and my friends and I very much looked forward to seeing it. Unfortunately, the nudity, sex and violence wore thin after a while. I fell asleep. Not sure what my friends did, but they might have too. Why? There was too much of a good thing and the story wasn't as focused and well put together as it should have. I feel the same here. I'm no stranger to extreme violence and sex and I've even had a cock dismemberment in a script as well. I like the SAW movies and the HOSTEL ones. The difference there is that the sex and violence fits the story and there's a reason for it. There was in your script too, but not always. Sometimes it just felt gratuitous and over the top.

The writing itself and the dialogue, were in my opinion fine. So, good on you there.

Characters were a bit of a mixed bag. Vanish sort of started out as someone down and out, but turns into hottie with an apartment and money. She's fine as our heroine though. There was nothing to dislike about her. Maybe just be a little more consistent about her character.

Beth was a harder pill for me to swallow. She kind of starts out as a feral caged creature, but near the end, her English is great and she even sounds pretty intelligent at times. I didn't really buy this change.

Minerva was a bit too over the top for me.

Remo was a nice guy. Good job there.

The farmers seemed like they were just there for the sex part.

Abraham was introduced early. I thought he would play a bigger part.

Now, what I really really liked about this script was the mythology. Great thinking in how you came up with that. However, to me, when that is all explained, everything makes perfect sense to me and that's where your story should start. With that backstory, we get Vanish explained, who the villain is  and Vanish's mission. IMHO, that should come early on. Like page 10 or so. This script is a bit unfocused early on. This script needs this info in the set-up.

The ending felt a bit underwhelming. Vanish wins and Beth lives? You going for a sequel?  

Over all, I think you did pretty decent. It's like a big puzzle with an exciting, intriguing picture. IMO, some of your pieces just need some rearranging.


Page 4.     Got kind of graphic there, all of a sudden.

Page 5.     Remo turns into the smoke...  This was sort of awkwardly phrased. I had to reread it a couple of times. First I thought you meant he himself turned into smoke.

Page 6.     A minor nitpick and I might be wrong too, but floor is usually a man made thing as inside a structure. Outside, it's usually just ground.

A little confused about the Anglo Saxon village part. A Chief. A viking. A castle. What time period is this supposed to be? If it's in the past, I think you need to tell us when.

Page 11.   I read the first ten yesterday. My memory is a little foggy, but didn't Vanish and Remo just meet? They act as if they are old friends.

Page 18.   Poor Beth...and the pig too. So far we've had rape, penis dismemberment, animal abuse and the gang bang porno on the horizon. Not that I'm squeamish or anything , I've probably had all of the above in some scripts at times. Just make sure it doesn't come off as gratuitous. It needs to serve a purpose.

Page 34.   You have changed the spelling of Sushuo.

Page 44.    Good explanation of her name. I'm dense. I should've been able to figure that out.

Page 48.    Free cavemen eat heartily while caged cavemen look on, with vegetables. This reads very weird. Like they are looking on with vegetables.

Page 49.    Interesting with the "barber shop red and white tubes" being a sign of bloodletting shops.

Page 51.    I was wondering what had happened to Abraham and what his role would be.

Page 53. I actually like how you came up the backstory and how it all came to be the way it is.

Page 54.    Lots of exposition here. Although needed and pretty good, the visuals that go with it are pretty boring. Perhaps try to use "the pope in the pool" technique.

Page 57.    One thought I'm having at this point is that now we know the story and Vanish mission. I feel this is a bit late and I wish it could've come earlier. IMHO, this is where the story really starts.

Page 59.    Rhonda has Pete? I thought Gordon had grabbed him?

Page 60.    Not sure how I feel about Beth tearing into the kids. Might be hard to watch.

Page 63.    I forgot, but what clothes are Beth wearing? Is she naked?

Page 64.   Now Sushuo's name changed back...

Page 66.   Not really sure what the point of this scene at the mansion is. What is it that Beth wants/needs here? Who are the partygoers? It feels a little gratuitous, to be honest.

If Corvinus wants Vanish awake, why kick her unconscious again?

Page 77.   "Social worker glances nervously at Beth as she leads CHILDREN in." What is Beth wearing here? I would normally not ask a question like that, but since she's been naked pretty much the whole time, I have to wonder is she's dressed now or not.

Page 81.   I know you're not trying to write stuff that will necessarily sell, but rather what you want to write. If you did, I think you'd know that this scene with the children whimpering and moaning while they hang from chains and being bled would be a bit much.



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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 23rd, 2015, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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About your comment earlier about throats being ripped and that's what vampires do... I usually use the big iliac artery in the groin. A little more sexy than the neck. I've used it in two scripts and it went over very well.  


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