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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2015 7 Week Challenge  ›  Strangers on a Bus - 2015 7WC - Feature Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    Strangers on a Bus - 2015 7WC - Feature  (currently 1869 views)
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Strangers on a Bus by Chris Bodily - Thriller, Murder, Suspense, Hitchcockian - Two strangers meet on a train and agree to exchange murders: One's mean boss; and the other's abusive, domineering grandmother. What happens when one girl backs out of the deal? 88 pages - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 13th, 2015, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Strangers on a bus

Comments as we go....

Is the Wes craven thing relevant...let's hope so
Black screen is that...black. We can't see anything until you fade in. Just needs a little re focus of words
Not sure you need 'the front again'
P1 turn off the alarm?
Two scrambles!
P2 Quite a lot on brushing teeth...all worthwhile? Rises her mouth?
P3 a job
P5 she's just punched her grandmother... Not sure Hitchcock would have had that happen besides it doesn't seem to have done anything
P6 guessing where this will go, ie mutual killing, Brittany comes across, at the moment, as reasonably in control. She says what she thinks, hits back, flips the bird. Looks like she could just move on. The grandmother doesn't seem to have that much control, despite trying.
P8 that's very forward of Brittany ... Realistic?
P9 too many questions in the nose...find a way to discuss things without
P10 we've a lot to go through ... Doesn't work for me. The script hinges on this scene.
P12 why she pass out on the bus? Why her hand in pain
P13 she's after a job, but goes for piano. Lessons?
P15 where did the interview go?
P16 the interview is still there but I go the feeling earlier she had to run for it, now's she's back
P21 fart jokes... Can be fine but by now you have two which makes us think about her bowls etc I would drop one of them. Would an interview stop on that? Oh and she passes out again
P23 - why have we not seen Laura story? We've only heard it? Is there a reason why haven't seen split stories?
P23 I'll happily return the favour...seems wrong. It some ways this reminds me of horrible bosses... The premise anyway. Got to rid of the nasty folk. If this is to be mutual, then I feel there needs to be a balance on both sides
P24 grandma dearest - does she know the name?
P25 I think you need to work on Brittany and her motivations and relationship with grandma. Either she is the evil controller that Brittany can't face up to, which leads to a simmering anger, or is a simple a horrible bitch that she despises but who has the money and control over her.
P26 wasn't
P27 four o'clock in the morning, I have sympathy with the grandma
P27 she punched her gran earlier on and now she cowers
P28 oh she punches her again??
P29 who does that bitch think she is? Yes, she's been over the top but it's four in the morning and Brittany's just lumped her...who we sympathising with?
P29 just blurting to the guy ... Nope
P31 not too. .??
And are hey really discussing this on a bus?
P32 are they  seriously going to do this with no planning or Intel?
P34 I think we have enough bad granny flashback. Too much VO
P40 granny being stabbed and still has a conversation?
P42 I think the set up needs more but I like the idea of one catching ther as they back up
P43 dream starts in scene before I think
P46 Brittany is still in the house despite a dead grandmother - where's the body? Etc
P50 bit too much self reflection by now and she's not done anything yet  - besides if we are to see the boss we haven't yet
P56 there's a lot of on the nose dialogue
P59 the bus seems to stop hard each time!
P61 you don't introduce the boss
P65 kills then fart gag...not sure
P73 lots of stabs and still goes
To be honest I was scanning by this point

Good news - you wrote a feature under time constraints. Further, the simple concept of two strangers meeting, like Hitchcock told, is a sound basis for mystery and conflict.

Bad news - this didn't work for me. i think you mentioned having to stretch out a short and it did feel that way.

suggestions

if you wish to stick with this, and the basis seems sound, then i would suggest

1] give us more about the lead girl. what does she want (I'm not sure at present)
2] make the relationship with the grandma clearer to the motives. For example, she could be nasty but the driver is that she controls the money and the girl really needs that to start her dream, to escape. or, the grandma goes back on a promise eon the money. So we see what the girl wants and how the grandma gets in the way, which leads to motive...
3] pacing and sequences - this needs lot of work as written. plotting out a story so that it moves along, hits the beats etc is tricky stuff, but it leads to an organic flow to the story. i didn't feel that here. e.g. lots and lots of bus trips for little reason, lots of voices and fake images - they should be used sparingly and at the right times as matters escalate
4] antagonist - laura - i didn't buy into her as written. having a twist is good but it works better when we know them more.

heres an example for your concept

seq 1 - we meet Brittany, and grandma. we discover Brittany wants ...XYZ... but grandma holds the money. she's abused and controlled
catalyst - grandma goes back on deal that would have given her the money on her birthday... wants brittany to look after her
seq 2 brittany meets laura - they both moan, agree to meet up, share their pain, which they do and realise they both would like to kill their problems but feel too attached. if they didn't know them it would be easier
break into act two - they concoct a plan
seq 3 - the 'thing' brittany has is about to be lost so she needs the money quickly. laura gets closer and close like a friend. bit strange, dark omen
seq 4 - they check out the boss, laura checks out the gran - agree a plan
Mid point - plan executed
seq 5 - lura goes first, Brittany wants to back out - too late - now got a dead body on their hands. brittany blackmailed to carry on
seq 6 - Brittany is forced forwards, and really deteriorates emotionally as the guilt and fear hit her
break into three
seq 7 Brittany breaks down, almost caught by police, backs out tries to go on the run - laura pissed off is after her - say a contained scene in a house etc
act three mid point - brittany cries for help to the police, better than dying
sequ 8 they fight, brittany about to die - police arrive. just as laura tells them about the plan brittany kills her - no accident
resolution
brittany gets off, gets the money...but sees haunting images in the mirror...follows her

anyway, just an idea of how it could pan out

all the best












My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 14th, 2015, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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As promised, I'm going to give each of these 7WC scripts a shot, and as always, I'm going to be honest and not sugarcoat anything, so please take my words in the vein they're being offered - to provide help and point out mistakes.

Page 1 - If you want your opening line to show on screen, it obviously needs to be a SUPER.  If it's not intended to be seen, it has no place here and is a mistake right out of the gate.

You FADE IN to a BLACK SCREEN, which makes no sense.  In fact, with the black screen, we can't see a single thing that follows.

So far, 3 lines, 2 BIG mistakes...not a god start, sorry to say.

The briefcase's description is not good, IMO.  The short staccato "sentences" don't work here as intended at all.  This sounds like a call out to the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, and IMO, again, does not work at all, as intended.

"JUST BEFORE DAWN" isn't a very good time element for a Slug.  We'll see if it even makes sense, as you're giving us an actual time soon after (6:30 AM), and the time the sun rises across the world, is obviously tied to the season, which will potentially bring in the weather, etc.  Let's see...

"A nondescript suburban house in "Anytown USA" - IMO, this is poorly written, as it gives us pretty much no info on the house or the neighborhood.  You never want to repeat your Slug in the line that follows it, as it's a waste and repetitive.

Next Slug is also incorrect - should be "INT. BRITTANY'S HOUSE - BRITTANY'S BEDROOM" or something similar, but you can see that calling it "Brittany's House" earlier, may also be a poor choice.

The line about the ceiling fan is a total cliche, obviously.  You chose to show us this, but give zero detail on the actual bedroom.

Brittany is in her "30's" - if she's a main character, you should be much more specific on her age, as there's a huge difference between 30 and 39 in terms of looks and status, etc.  Absolutely no reason not to set your character's ages as to what they are exactly, as you're the only one who really knows.

IMO, it's pretty difficult to see that a person is "beautiful", "nerdy", and "awkward" as they sleep.

The alarm clock thing is also a cliche.  This passage should most likely be broken up into 2 passages.

"Grandma Dearest"???  Huh?

The 4 line passage that follows is ripe with mistakes of every kind and is very poorly written. You're missing words, you're repeating words (scrambles and falls), you've got numerous shots here, meaning this passage should actually be 2 or 3 passages.  Mostly, it's just very awkwardly written and not something that bodes well going forward.

Page 2 - This Slug is not remotely consistent with your earlier Slugs on Page 1.

The 2 passages that follow are where I bow out.  Very poorly written again and contain lots of stuff no one cares about.

Sorry to sound harsh, but we're talking about your opening 2 pages here and what's being presented is not going to make anyone want to continue, and IMO, it doesn't matter if this was written in 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, or 2 months - no excuse for the poor quality on display here.

It's good to see you completed a feature and met the challenge, as it is a daunting task and I do commend you for that.  Best of luck on this going forward.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 14th, 2015, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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BLACK SCREEN
A black briefcase. Golden hinges. The front. The sides. The
back. The bottom. The top. Everything is finely textured.
The front again. The briefcase cracks open. It slowly opens
up. White light bursts out of it and engulfs the screen

So let's get picky here, which is not picky at all. I am looking at a black screen yet I see a black briefcase? Why not A BLACK BRIEFCASE...et al?


EXT. BRITTANY’S HOUSE - JUST BEFORE DAWN
A nondescript suburban house in "Anytown, USA."

Cut that, go right to her bedroom because this matters not.

I will cut to the chase here and say things like this distract because I stop and say "what?" You want to do this then you need to know this.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 14th, 2015, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Grandma's mouth is something to behold. It's not a character I believe.

         LAURA
          We have a lot to cover, so why
          don’t you meet me at my house at
          seven?
She grabs a pen and paper and writes down her address.
                    BRITTANY
          May I ask what this is about?
                    LAURA
          Long story short, let’s just say my
          boss needs someone to show him
          who’s boss. Are you in?
                    BRITTANY
          Gee, I don’t know, Laura. I’m not
          good at confrontations.
Laura hands Brittany the note.
                    LAURA
          Here’s my address.
Brittany takes it.
                    BRITTANY
          I’ve never done anything like this
          before. I don’t think I can.
                    LAURA
Why not?

What just happened here? These two are strangers?
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 25th, 2015, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Started reading this one yesterday. I'm thinking you're pretty new at this. Features at least. I'm impressed that you went ahead and tackled writing a feature in such a short time and I mean that. I didn't really tackle one until I had written shorts for a couple of years.

I'm sorry to say that this story didn't really work for me and I bailed on page 15. There were many things that I had issues with. The first being the logline and title which is pretty much exactly the same as Hitchcock's Strangers On a Train...

Another issue I had was with the writing. You include things that don't matter at all in your descriptions. It ends up just taking up space. Try to be more intriguing. Tease us. Make us have to use our brains a bit.

The characters didn't really work for me. Brittany, although she seems like a nice person does and says things that doesn't make any sense at all. I couldn't relate to her at all.

This also reads more like a comedy to me. Slapstick comedy even. You described it as a thriller/suspense thing, so I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get any of that.

My suggestion to you would be to read lots of scripts. The better the scripts, the better for you. Don't just read them either. Study them and you'll soon learn how it's done.

Good luck and sorry I couldn't be of more help.

The following are just thoughts as I read.

Page 1.     Interesting that this script is dedicated to Wes Craven when you so clearly mentioned Hitchcock. They are completely different, IMO.

Typo, Brittany scrambles to her the alarm...

You also use scrambles twice on the same line. Try to use a different word the second time.

Page 2.     Brittany is pretty clumsy. I'm thinking this will be a comedy.

Try not to use the same verbs over and over. Grumbles is the one on this page. Easy thing to do is using a thesaurus.

Also, it doesn't help the story that you spend all this time showing us every little step of Brittany's toothbrushing. Most people do this twice a day. We know the process, therefore it's not interesting as far as cinema or story goes.

Page 3.     More grumbles...

With the title being what it is, I would strongly suggest you don't use Anne Ramsey in Grandma's description. We already have thoughts of Throw Momma From The Train with your logline.

Page 5.     So far, I can't say I'm liking these two characters. Nothing's happened yet either. All we've seen is two people shouting at each other and going through their normal hygiene routines.

Page 6.     Brittany is "trying" to eat a pop tart. Why is that hard?

Page 8.     Definitely thinking this is a comedy by now. Lots of slapstick moments. That is of course fine if that's what you're aiming for.

Page 9.     So, Laura is kind of unlikable too.

Farting?  Really?  

Page 10.   You do have a McGuffin. I'll give you that.

It's a little vague what Brittany has agreed to do. Laura just said she needed a favor and Brittany says I've never done anything like this before. A murder swap hasn't been mentioned yet.

Page 11.   Why doesn't Brittany just leave? She doesn't owe Laura anything. Why on earth would she stay and accept this assignment Laura is giving her? It just doesn't make sense. IMO.

Page 12.   Brittany says the only other knife she's used is a butter knife. She's never cut anything? Doesn't use a knife and fork when she eats?

This bus "screeches" to a halt way to often.

Page 14.   I didn't quite get the purpose of the piano teaching scene. Remember that each scene needs to drive the story forward. What we got in this scene was Brittany not being able to play very well. That might work later on in the story, but this early on, you need to hook us on your set-up so we're willingly follow Brittany on her journey.

Page 14.   We're back on the bus again...


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