Strangers on a bus
Comments as we go....
Is the Wes craven thing relevant...let's hope so
Black screen is that...black. We can't see anything until you fade in. Just needs a little re focus of words
Not sure you need 'the front again'
P1 turn off the alarm?
Two scrambles!
P2 Quite a lot on brushing teeth...all worthwhile? Rises her mouth?
P3 a job
P5 she's just punched her grandmother... Not sure Hitchcock would have had that happen
besides it doesn't seem to have done anything
P6 guessing where this will go, ie mutual killing, Brittany comes across, at the moment, as reasonably in control. She says what she thinks, hits back, flips the bird. Looks like she could just move on. The grandmother doesn't seem to have that much control, despite trying.
P8 that's very forward of Brittany ... Realistic?
P9 too many questions in the nose...find a way to discuss things without
P10 we've a lot to go through ... Doesn't work for me. The script hinges on this scene.
P12 why she pass out on the bus? Why her hand in pain
P13 she's after a job, but goes for piano. Lessons?
P15 where did the interview go?
P16 the interview is still there but I go the feeling earlier she had to run for it, now's she's back
P21 fart jokes... Can be fine but by now you have two which makes us think about her bowls etc I would drop one of them. Would an interview stop on that? Oh and she passes out again
P23 - why have we not seen Laura story? We've only heard it? Is there a reason why haven't seen split stories?
P23 I'll happily return the favour...seems wrong. It some ways this reminds me of horrible bosses... The premise anyway. Got to rid of the nasty folk. If this is to be mutual, then I feel there needs to be a balance on both sides
P24 grandma dearest - does she know the name?
P25 I think you need to work on Brittany and her motivations and relationship with grandma. Either she is the evil controller that Brittany can't face up to, which leads to a simmering anger, or is a simple a horrible bitch that she despises but who has the money and control over her.
P26 wasn't
P27 four o'clock in the morning, I have sympathy with the grandma
P27 she punched her gran earlier on and now she cowers
P28 oh she punches her again??
P29 who does that bitch think she is? Yes, she's been over the top but it's four in the morning and Brittany's just lumped her...who we sympathising with?
P29 just blurting to the guy ... Nope
P31 not too. .??
And are hey really discussing this on a bus?
P32 are they seriously going to do this with no planning or Intel?
P34 I think we have enough bad granny flashback. Too much VO
P40 granny being stabbed and still has a conversation?
P42 I think the set up needs more but I like the idea of one catching ther as they back up
P43 dream starts in scene before I think
P46 Brittany is still in the house despite a dead grandmother - where's the body? Etc
P50 bit too much self reflection by now and she's not done anything yet - besides if we are to see the boss we haven't yet
P56 there's a lot of on the nose dialogue
P59 the bus seems to stop hard each time!
P61 you don't introduce the boss
P65 kills then fart gag...not sure
P73 lots of stabs and still goes
To be honest I was scanning by this point
Good news - you wrote a feature under time constraints. Further, the simple concept of two strangers meeting, like Hitchcock told, is a sound basis for mystery and conflict.
Bad news - this didn't work for me. i think you mentioned having to stretch out a short and it did feel that way.
suggestions
if you wish to stick with this, and the basis seems sound, then i would suggest
1] give us more about the lead girl. what does she want (I'm not sure at present)
2] make the relationship with the grandma clearer to the motives. For example, she could be nasty but the driver is that she controls the money and the girl really needs that to start her dream, to escape. or, the grandma goes back on a promise eon the money. So we see what the girl wants and how the grandma gets in the way, which leads to motive...
3] pacing and sequences - this needs lot of work as written. plotting out a story so that it moves along, hits the beats etc is tricky stuff, but it leads to an organic flow to the story. i didn't feel that here. e.g. lots and lots of bus trips for little reason, lots of voices and fake images - they should be used sparingly and at the right times as matters escalate
4] antagonist - laura - i didn't buy into her as written. having a twist is good but it works better when we know them more.
heres an example for your concept
seq 1 - we meet Brittany, and grandma. we discover Brittany wants ...XYZ... but grandma holds the money. she's abused and controlled
catalyst - grandma goes back on deal that would have given her the money on her birthday... wants brittany to look after her
seq 2 brittany meets laura - they both moan, agree to meet up, share their pain, which they do and realise they both would like to kill their problems but feel too attached. if they didn't know them it would be easier
break into act two - they concoct a plan
seq 3 - the 'thing' brittany has is about to be lost so she needs the money quickly. laura gets closer and close like a friend. bit strange, dark omen
seq 4 - they check out the boss, laura checks out the gran - agree a plan
Mid point - plan executed
seq 5 - lura goes first, Brittany wants to back out - too late - now got a dead body on their hands. brittany blackmailed to carry on
seq 6 - Brittany is forced forwards, and really deteriorates emotionally as the guilt and fear hit her
break into three
seq 7 Brittany breaks down, almost caught by police, backs out tries to go on the run - laura pissed off is after her - say a contained scene in a house etc
act three mid point - brittany cries for help to the police, better than dying
sequ 8 they fight, brittany about to die - police arrive. just as laura tells them about the plan brittany kills her - no accident
resolution
brittany gets off, gets the money...but sees haunting images in the mirror...follows her
anyway, just an idea of how it could pan out
all the best