Realization by Niek Vink - Short, Drama - Rick looks for his sick father who went missing during the night. When he finds him trying to commit suicide, he has to do everything he can to stop him. 5 pages - pdf, format

Niek,

Some comments can seem demented.  Read on.

I'll talk story first.  This one is straightforward and predictable.  It lacks real suspense or drama.  I'm not sure why mom calls her son instead of the police, but I can buy it.  I think when someone takes a walk at midnight, the police are brought into the picture.  The son talking dad out of suicide is predictable.  It might be better if the son does something different, like grabbing dad and leading him into the water.  If he's going to do it, then let's do it.  Also, you might get some mileage from having the son promise a child for the, say, tenth time.  It always works because dad can't remember.  In any case, a bit more misdirection is in order.

Your writing needs a bit of help.  

INT. A DARK BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Two people are sleeping in bed. Rain is gently tapping
against the bedroom window. The people sleeping are the
couple RICK (29) and LUCY (27). On Rick's nightstand a
telephone starts ringing. The screen says 'mom'.

This would read better if you changed  it to...

Two people, RICK 29 AND LUCY 27, sleep.  Rain gently taps against the window.  On the nightstand, a phone RINGS....

Always use active voice and condense your descriptions.  

There are other problems with your writing, so I would suggest you find a mentor or colleague who can help you improve your prose and dialogue.  With some help and practice, you'll turn out better stuff.

best
Richard

Hi Niek,

RichardR gives some feedback and, especially, suggestions for playing up the son's adeptness of dealing with his father's lapses. Sort of like your last line, which made me chuckle.

The lack of suspense/story, makes it come off much more like an Alzheimer's PSA than a movie tackling the subject. When the dad started, almost randomly, spouting facts about the illness I started skimming. Except for the formatting and your dialogue (too literal), your writing is pretty good though.

Quoted Text RICK Don't worry mom, everything is going to be alright. Rick hangs up. For a second he watches Lucy, she is still asleep. He decides not to wake her. Without getting himself dressed he runs downstairs. He is obviously in a hurry. He runs out of his house and jumps into his car. With high speed he drives away. INT./EXT. RICK'S CAR. NIGHT. Rick is driving on the highway way too fast.

I'd drop the entire part in bold. Nothing important happens and it'll just eat a lot of the runtime.

Also, you have a habit of adding descriptions in your scene headings (A DARK BEDROOM, A REMOTE LAKE etc.). Cut everything except the nouns.
Last thing, you write "CONTINUES" instead of "CONT'D" for continued dialogue. Which is usually formatted as such: RICK (CONT'D)

Despite everything, you have a solid basis for a good script. Keep at it.


Sandro