In the Boneyard by Charles Meine - Action, Adventure - A disturbed Yellowstone Park ranger and a bohemian smuggler clash over the course of a bizarre summer. 62 pages - pdf, format

I thought the logline was interesting, the low page count was also appealing.

Unfortunately it's a bit of a tough read. The action/description blocks are quite long (p8-9 has an unbroken description block of 38 lines).

If you are around I don't mind giving it a read, but it would be really helpful if you could go through and break up some of the blocks.    

Have to disagree over the incomplete logline. What do they clash over? It could be about not picking up after a dog for all we know.

Don't be fooled by the Bohemian word.

Hey, Charles:

Quoted Text EARLY SUMMER - 1983

If this is suppose to be a SUPER - you need to label it as such and embed it in a scene. If you embed it in the scene that follows, then you don't need to repeat that it is summer.

Quoted Text EXTERIOR FOREST - NIGHT It is the crack of dawn. The view is of the early morning light of a summer day breaking over treetops in the northern Rocky Mountains. The scene is absolutely still until we hear the sound of heavy footfalls, labored breathing, brush crunching underfoot. The tips of a great many elk antlers break the plane of growing light that is the horizon. A man, barely discernible as such in the faint light, labors under a tremendous stack of elk antlers, walking directly into the camera with the accompanying increase in volume of the sounds of a man working very hard, plowing through brush.

The scene headings are in the wrong format. e.g., should be EXT. not EXTERIOR and if you are in the Rocky's - put it in the heading.

e.g.,

EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAIN FOREST - NIGHT

You have three opening action blocks in excess of 10 lines. The above is the first. They all are too long. Partly because they are written in novel rather than script fashion and contain descriptions that are not needed or could be included in the scene heading. Charles - this will keep folks from getting past the first page.

Take a look at some scripts to get a feel for how description is handled.

Good luck.