Almost Back in Seattle by Frederick Cheaves  - Short, Comedy - Three tenacious friends move to Los Angeles to pursue wealth and fame but soon discover that the city's unique array of characters, pitfalls, and high cost-of-living, keep them on a never ending cycle of either coming up with the rent or packing it in and moving back home to Seattle. 46 pages - pdf, format

Frederick,

Comments can come from any city.

This one doesn't really read as a short but as a pilot for a TV show.  That's fine, but it should be noted.

I like much of this.  It has a nice structure as the group comes to town, makes a mistake, has to recover, and manages to get by.  I'm not sold on the characters or their arcs.  An actor, a sculptor, and a wheeler-dealer.  I guess that's fine, but they don't rock the boat for me.  I would prefer that they be a little bit smarter.  They come from Seattle, not Podunk, KS.  Shouldn't they know something about leasing an apartment?  Their predicament arises because they lack basic skills most people learn by the time they get out of college--especially since they aren't rich to begin with.

I don't buy that the girl looks out the window and sort of susses that Meechy is not on the up and up.  That smacks of writer manipulation.  Let them get adjusted before they get rousted by the real tenant or by Donald.  

then, there is the long Donald scene.  Can you cut some.  We already know the problem.  Get them to the restaurant.

I may be provincial but I have never had a valet, no matter how poor I looked, chase me away.  Am I out of touch?  Again, it seems like writer manipulation in order to get to the next part.

And now they call the police.  And they can't get a cop there?  Why not lie and say they heard shots fired?  Having a cop there even if under false pretenses beats the hell out of facing Meechy alone, right?

And a piece of deus ex machina, the costume place right across the street.  c'mon.  Why not just let a winning lottery ticket float out of the sky?  You have an actor.  Why not let him come up with the address of a costume shop, or the number of a wardrobe professional?  Let these people solve their problems with what they have.

They pretend to be police, and well, that would work if they had gone to the trouble of getting a good costume, complete with fake guns.  Of course, if you want more complication, let them go in, let Bianco call the precinct because they're on the payroll.  The real cops come, and now you have real problems.  In any case, Bianco doesn't act like a mafioso either.  He's worried about some noise?  

And he lets the kids shake him down for a couple hundred?  Better, he calls his thugs who are going to break the kids' legs--until the real cops arrive?  who knows, but make things harder for these people.  

You have done a lot of good work here.  Go back and ask yourself what would these characters do in this situation?  Don't make them do dumb things in order to get the story you want.  

Best
Richard