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High Demand by David M Troop - Short, Comedy - An awkward girl scout employees the services of her older,stoner brother to beat her arch nemesis in a cookie-selling contest. 17 pages - pdf, format
I found the logline promising and the script well-written, but you can do more with this idea. As it is, it's a very standard "nerd-girl-vs-popular-girl" story, with no big surprises. You need a bit more of the stoner brother, IMO. He is the one who could provide the comedy and make things more interesting here.
BUD Plus, it's nice to have a job again. I can use some extra cash.
MARGARET We don't get paid for this.
Bud looks at her, perplexed
Funny
Joe gasps for air. Bud loosens the tie. BUD Nope, that's a real one
Funny
Like a pack of dogs
Funny
limps over to Margaret.
Funny and thoughtful writing
BUD Believe it. I heard it when I was lying on the ground over there. Funny
You had me laughing out loud all the way through. This is hilarious. You did a nice job on building the laughs and carrying them through. Relatable humor.
You have written a nice little story with a girl scout background. It's pretty standard. Nerdy outcast has to take on Miss Popular in order to win something, in this case a bike. However, she doesn't do this on her own. She has a ner-do-well brother who saves the day. I would rather she earn her own stripes.
Also, I would like to think that nerdy girl wouldn't need physical violence in order to keep her bike or win the contest for that matter. What I mean is that I was hoping for something more original and clever. But that's me.
I did enjoy the funny parts, and had Bud been more hazard than help I would have enjoyed it more. .