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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  High Demand Moderators: bert
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  Author    High Demand  (currently 1752 views)
Don
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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High Demand by David M Troop - Short, Comedy - An awkward girl scout employees the services of her older,stoner brother to beat her arch nemesis in a cookie-selling contest. 17 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 6th, 2015, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Getting an error when trying to open this.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: October 7th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
An awkward girl scout employees the services of her older,stoner brother to beat her arch nemesis in a cookie-selling contest. 17 pages -


typo in the log line. Should be employs.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Athenian
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi David,

I found the logline promising and the script well-written, but you can do more with this idea. As it is, it's a very standard "nerd-girl-vs-popular-girl" story, with no big surprises. You need a bit more of the stoner brother, IMO. He is the one who could provide the comedy and make things more interesting here.

Best of luck,
Manolis
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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Stepford girls. Funny.

Bud looks inside the box, sniffs.

Funny
                                   

                        BUD
          Plus, it's nice to have a job again.  
          I can use some extra cash.          

                      MARGARET
          We don't get paid for this.

Bud looks at her, perplexed

Funny
                         
Joe gasps for air.  Bud loosens the tie.
                      BUD
          Nope, that's a real one

Funny

Like a pack of dogs

Funny                         

limps over to Margaret.

Funny and thoughtful writing
                                   
                      BUD
          Believe it.  I heard it when I was lying on the ground over there.               
Funny

You had me laughing out loud all the way through. This is hilarious. You did a nice job on building the laughs and carrying them through. Relatable humor.

     
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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still laughing...
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cloroxmartini
Posted: October 12th, 2015, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Brushed my teeth, climbed into bed, still laughing...
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RichardR
Posted: October 13th, 2015, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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David,

Comments are rarely in high demand.

You have written a nice little story with a girl scout background.  It's pretty standard.  Nerdy outcast has to take on Miss Popular in order to win something, in this case a bike.  However, she doesn't do this on her own.  She has a ner-do-well brother who saves the day.  I would rather she earn her own stripes.  

Also, I would like to think that nerdy girl wouldn't need physical violence in order to keep her bike or win the contest for that matter.  What I mean is that I was hoping for something more original and clever.  But that's me.  

I did enjoy the funny parts, and had Bud been more hazard than help I would have enjoyed it more. .

Best
Richard
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