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Take Back the Power by Vinni Chiocchi - Short, Comedy - A parody of celebrity-based commercials taking a stand against the ME FIRST generation. 5 pages - pdf, format
I agree with the sentiment of this sketch, but it’s written like a mix of a shooting script and something….improvised.
There’s lots of little things which spoil the flow. The age at the right of the name for example (which has already been mentioned) and how can the applause be off screen on a black screen? If you format it properly it may read better, but I do get what you mean and this may make a funny spoof.
-Mark
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Pg 1 ..."so before we go I would like to say that" is quite the wind-up. Omit needless words. Why is the MC talking to the parents? ...everyone of you are a winner, remember that.
You use the verb 'grab' twice in a row. What about COLLECT, RECEIVE, CARRY, SNATCH.
As well, coaches would typically have the trophies before the cermony. This box grab is awkward, forced exhibition.
What's no big deal? How old is the son?
What mentor suggested you use SMASH CUT in this context? Some suggest there's not such thing as a SMASH CUT, and unnecessary in a spec script.
Pg 2 It must really, really, really be important if you use two exclamation marks!! Holy cow!!!!!!!!
Why would you hide the gender of a parent? I wanna see pictures in my head of what your characters look like. Is this an LGBT statement?
"OK, OK (beat) let me see it." -> "Let me take a look."
NOW WE"VE GONE TO UPPER CASE and an EXCLAMATION MARK! for the kid's dialogue
Alright -> All right
Hmmm, isn't a MUMBLE normally audible. You put in upper case to notify us it is indeed audible, which means we hear it.
"Yeah, that's right" is off screen. Not sure what's why or what's going on here with the homework?
The Asian Man: What the BLEEP is implied after the second CENSOR BLEEP? Little what?
Same thing for the WHITE WOMAN. Too many BLEEPING BLEEPS.
Pg 3
Name AIDEN. ...a board game with his son AIDEN (12).
I believe you want to make a point, that trophies for all participants, and cussing and such from spoiled children bother you, but you rely on weird cuts and bleeps to make your point. Expose your argument with action and dialogue, not an unrelated series of unnecessary SMASH CUTS.
I get what you want, but I doubt this is correct screenplay format. I think something like
FADE IN:
INT./EXT. BLACK SCREEN - NIGHT
Applause accompanies the voice over.
MC OF A YOUTH AWARDS CEREMONY(V.O.) ...so before we [...]
would rather fit the bill.
2.) If you write O.S. / V.O., then always in caps. Same goes for SUPER: or SHOTS in general.
3) I'd shorten a few things. MC OF A YOUTH AWARDS CEREMONY(V.O.) is way too long for a character name. In my opinion, just 'MC' would do here. Same with your slug lines. Example:
Quoted Text
INT. CAFETERIA OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, AWARDS CEREMONY- NIGHT
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - NIGHT would do. We get to see there's an awards ceremony going on anyway.
4) MOMENTS LATER - is this valid?
I'd suggest EXT. PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
5) Don't introduce characters and their ages in the header of their dialog. Either do it before the dialog in an action block, or leave it away if it's not necessary to know.
6) Transitions. Way too many of them in my opinion. And also wrong indentation. Transitions belong to the right edge of the page.
7) You should remove 'he says:' from action blocks.
Story-wise I can't say much. If there's a point, I didn't get it. No idea what those celebreties in between >>Aiden's<< life cycle scenes want to tell me. From the logline, I understand what you were trying to do, with the script alone I am riddled. Maybe try to connect Aiden to these celebreties in some way. What if Aiden was the boss and those people posing are people he fired?
Don't know, maybe it's just me. Wish you good luck anyways.
Thanks everyone for all your input. Your suggestions will be taken seriously. I'm new at this and every little bit helps. To Tony: Thanks for the advice, I guess I did get lazy. I guess I wanted to get this one out there too quickly.
To Mark : The first sequence threw me a little. I use the Screnwriters Bible and I really didn't see how to do a beginning like that. What I wanted to do is lead right in with applause behind the black screen. Should I just leave it as o.s. ?
To Rkeller:
Pg 1
When you say quite the wind up is that good or bad?
This was almost identical experience I've had at an awards ceremony. Maybe it was poorly planned. Also, I felt like I had to make the point right off the bat about the 'everyone is a winner' statement. Is it all just too wordy?
You are right about the 'big deal' statement. It doesn't make sense now. Thanks.
I was using the 4th edition Screenplay Bible. I was under the impression that when I needed to quick move to another scene that was sort of unrelated to it that I'd SMASH CUT. What do I use instead, if anything? Is the slug line enough?
Pg 2
I'll clean up the grammar.
I was unclear myself what the intention for using caps for certain words were. I think you cleared that up for me. What I attempting to imply here was that the parent took over doing the homework, the kid due to lackadaisical parenting took advantage and walked away mumbling audibly to which the parent did nothing as to not ruffle feathers.
The bleeps are meant for multiple cursing words. Is there a better way to do this? I don't understand the critique here.
Pg 3 Thanks for the proper formatting example for the gender and age.
That is basically the point. Weak parenting and societal coddling don't do anything for anyone. I will make the necessary corrections. Thanks for taking the time to read.
OK, the thrust here is to show what happens when children don't earn what they get--trophy, help with homework, a job, etc. And who doesn't like this idea? And then, you give us the adults reacting. I think you might get your point across better if you show what happens to Aiden--loses job, loses apartment, gets kicked out of basement, loses his car, gets kicked out of friend's apartment, gets mugged at the homeless shelter, gets a job flipping burgers and is thankful as hell. or something like that.
But you can do better.
In any case, think about this one for a while and pick a few really good scenes to get your point across. Or if you want to stretch, show us a child who didn't get the trophy and had to do his own homework and flipped those same burgers and ended up hiring poor Aiden? Lots of ways to get your point across.
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