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Seekers by Thorsten Loos - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - FBI agent in a crisis of meaning is given a fantastic opportunity to go down the rabbit hole. 59 pages - pdf, format
Just doing hits here and there today, Thorsten. A couple of quick notes on the first page:
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INT. RAVE CLUB - NIGHT
SUPER: ALBANY, NEW YORK STATE
Don't think the SUPER is needed since you can embed it in the scene heading and if you are going to use a SUPER - insert after - not before the scene opens (i.e., it has to be superimposed over something). example:
INT. RAVE CLUB - NIGHT
People give it their best on the dance floor, pushed to the limits by a STEAMY ELECTRO SOUND and a BUZZING LIGHT SHOW.
SUPER: ALBANY, NEW YORK STATE
and then just continue the scene.
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An about THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN storms through the entrance. He stops for a moment and anxiously looks back through the entrance.
Why is THIRTY YEAR OLD capped??? That is not how you refer to the character. An nuke the about. e.g., A MAN (30s) .......
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He scans the area until his eyes get stuck on the bar on the other side of the dance floor.
A bit over written IMO - just say ...he spots the bar...
Look to tighten up your action and descriptions. They can really be cut back.
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THE WOMAN BEHIND THE BAR, CINDY, turns around to him. He is covered with sweat and really struggling now.
Again - not sure why you are using CAPS for THE WOMAN BEHIND THE BAR. This should simply be:
CINDY, stands behind the bar. She turns towards the man .....
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MAN Help me.. With these words, he loses his grip and collapses to the floor.
Thorsten - another example where some brevity as needed. You don't need to say "with these words" because he already said them. Write the dialogue and then write the action. If you want them to be simultaneous - then use a parenthetical. e.g.,
MAN (as he slides to floor) Help me.
Cindy hastes around the bar and slashes herself a way through the crowd. She knees down next to the man whose body is jerking around on the floor in uncontrolled spasms.
typo - think you mean kneels.
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NATHALY, realizes whats going on, and storms to the front. NATHALY What's going on?
If he realizes what's going on - why does he ask what's going on? Again - you are over writing. Just say he storms to the front. You don't need his realization.
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CINDY Call an emergency, quickly!
Think you mean call emergency.
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Nathaly's hands are shaking as she grabs the phone from the wall behind the bar and dials. While she talks, she stretches her head to keep an eye on the scene in front of the counter
There are several places where you write in passive rather than active voice. The above should be - Nathaly's hands shake....
Search all "ing" words and make sure you are writing in an active voice.
Don't think the SUPER is needed since you can embed it in the scene heading and if you are going to use a SUPER - insert after - not before the scene opens (i.e., it has to be superimposed over something). example:
INT. RAVE CLUB - NIGHT
People give it their best on the dance floor, pushed to the limits by a STEAMY ELECTRO SOUND and a BUZZING LIGHT SHOW.
SUPER: ALBANY, NEW YORK STATE
and then just continue the scene.
Does it really matter if the super is in front of or behind the action block? It's essentially a text on the screen, showing where we are.
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Why is THIRTY YEAR OLD capped??? That is not how you refer to the character. An nuke the about. e.g., A MAN (30s) Again - not sure why you are using CAPS for THE WOMAN BEHIND THE BAR.
I always cap my characters at their first occurance, and they don't always have a name at the time when they occur first.
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Thorsten - another example where some brevity as needed. You don't need to say "with these words" because he already said them. Write the dialogue and then write the action. If you want them to be simultaneous - then use a parenthetical. e.g.,
MAN (as he slides to floor) Help me.
Cindy hastes around the bar and slashes herself a way through the crowd. She knees down next to the man whose body is jerking around on the floor in uncontrolled spasms.
typo - think you mean kneels.
He faints after his words, not simultaneously. Thanks for 'kneel down' instead of 'knee down' - didn't know that one.
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If he realizes what's going on - why does he ask what's going on? Again - you are over writing. Just say he storms to the front. You don't need his realization.
Lol, that's a good one - totally overread that. Thanks.
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Think you mean call emergency.
Isn't 'an emergency' the same as 'an ambulance car'?
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There are several places where you write in passive rather than active voice. The above should be - Nathaly's hands shake....
Search all "ing" words and make sure you are writing in an active voice.
'Nathaly's hands shake as she grabs the phone' sounds really strange though. Isn't the ing form here a way of stressing the motion, like her hands are [currently] shaking?
@Tony
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Searching all "ing" words is a great tip. Excellent, thanks.
I don't know, I usually use them if the phrase sounds unnatural without an -ing. Maybe related to my language barrier.
I always cap my characters at their first occurance, and they don't always have a name at the time when they occur first.
You are not just capping your characters - you are capping your character descriptions and that is wrong. Your character is not THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN. It is MAN.
'Nathaly's hands shake as she grabs the phone' sounds really strange though. Isn't the ing form here a way of stressing the motion, like her hands are [currently] shaking? I don't know, I usually use them if the phrase sounds unnatural without an -ing. Maybe related to my language barrier.
No - the ing form does not stress the motion any more than "Dave is writing a post" adds any more intensity than "Dave writes a post."
[quote] Isn't 'an emergency' the same as 'an ambulance car'?
No, it's not. [/quote]
Again, my bad then - thanks for pointing it out.
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No - the ing form does not stress the motion any more than "Dave is writing a post" adds any more intensity than "Dave writes a post."
Sorry, I didn't understand that last sentence. Do you mean 'Her hands shake as she picks up the phone' sounds equally well as 'Her hands are shaking as she picks up the phone'?
Sorry, I didn't understand that last sentence. Do you mean 'Her hands shake as she picks up the phone' sounds equally well as 'Her hands are shaking as she picks up the phone'?
First: I think it READS better. Here are two links with articles on this subject. They are pretty good.
Second: don't allow an ing word to substitute for a better word. In the above - if you don't think shakes does the trick - "her hand trembles as she......
At the end of the day - go with what you want. It's just my opinion. Good luck.
I know it's my decision in the end but I appreciate your comments as always.
However, I think what those articles talk about has nothing to do with the examples you found in my script. The first article is a general checklist of words to cut, the second one is about using gerunds as nouns in writing.
The progressive form is a verb tense used to show an ongoing action in progress at some point in time. It shows an action still in progress. Verbs can appear in any one of three progressive tenses: present progressive, past progressive, and future progressive.
The verbs in the progressive form use a form of "to be" + the present participle (an -ing verb). (It is the form of the helping verb that indicates the tense.)
Present Progressive: The cake is baking slowly.
That's what I meant when I wrote
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Isn't the ing form here a way of stressing the motion, like her hands are [currently] shaking?
To stay with the example from that page, how would you say the cake is baking slowly in simple present tense? I don't see any suitable way to do it.
The cake bakes slowly? - Sounds awful Slowly, the cake bakes? - Even worse
Besides, I've just re-read the first 10 or so pages of my script, and I didn't find more than a hand full of those progressive verbs, I would guess 95% is in simple present, so I clearly don't think I've overdone it here.
Just found this as an add-on to my previous post, I think that sums it up pretty well:
From the 'about' page:
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I’m mostly known as a screenwriter. My credits include Go, Big Fish, Charlie’s Angels, Titan A.E., Charlie and Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride and Frankenweenie.
and here a blog entry about progressive tense vs. simple present (interesting read): On the present tense
In the link I provided - the first example was this:
He is grinning… becomes… He grins. I think directly related to the topic - but moving on:
The link you provided is interesting. Your expert argues that present progressive gives the reader a sense of time passing. e.g., "Mary is cutting coupons" is preferred over "Mary cuts coupons" because the former gives the impression that she has been at it awhile rather than a single snip.
I respectfully disagree. Unless you are going to have several minutes of Mary cutting coupons - what difference are you really making to a reader of the script. If I wanted to show that it has been a significant ongoing effort, I would write something like:
"Mary clips a coupon and adds it to the stack of others in front of her."
In terms of the cake: i.e.,
The cake is slowly baking - vs.
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The cake bakes slowly? - Sounds awful Slowly, the cake bakes? - Even worse
First - IMO the cake is slowly baking is not preferable to the two samples that follow. I would have gone with the cake slowly bakes.
That being said, all are moot choices because the slow bake is going to be something that has been going on for hours (and we're not). How does one even begin to film that??? Long winded way of saying I am never going on this trip in the first place. I'm going to say a cake is in the oven and if I need to show that it has been baking a long time I'm going to either add a description of to show slowness (e.g., Steam cascades from a cake that bakes in the oven) or through dialogue: e.g.,
CHARACTER Christ, that cake's been in there forever.
In an novel you can write a cake is slowly baking in the oven because you are not providing any information for someone to film - just information for their imagination. Doesn't work in a script. i.e., how does some one film "slow baking"???? IMO, experts like this confuse what one can see in one's imagination and what one can actually film.
Anyway, substitute the subject for a different view.
The cat is slowly walking. The cat walks slowly. The cat slowly walks.
I'm going with the third one.
Anyway - like I said - it is a matter of style to some extent. I have seen articles from the guy you cited and others championing the present progressive. I think they are cheating a bit in that they are associating a benefit to it that does not really exist. "Mary is clipping" does not add a any more precision then is offered by "Mary clips." Add a time element to demonstrate the point:
1. Mary is clipping coupons for two minutes 2. Mary clips coupons for two minutes.
I accept your opinion there but I don't fully share it. To get back to the example from the script, 'someone is shaking' makes much more sense to me than 'someone shakes'. Somebody shaking is not something they do in an instant and then they do the next thing. It's a state they are in and as long as the camera stays on them, they *are shaking*.
Anyways, thanks for pointing it out, I completely agree that the simple present is always preferrable, and in the majority of cases is the best option to chose, however I disagree in saying it is always the best solution.
I accept your opinion there but I don't fully share it. To get back to the example from the script, 'someone is shaking' makes much more sense to me than 'someone shakes'. Somebody shaking is not something they do in an instant and then they do the next thing. It's a state they are in and as long as the camera stays on them, they *are shaking*.
Anyways, thanks for pointing it out, I completely agree that the simple present is always preferrable, and in the majority of cases is the best option to chose, however I disagree in saying it is always the best solution.
A good discussion - best of luck with the feature.
AYDON Wow look at this mess. Looks like we missed a hell of a party last night.
Show the mess in action blocks or at least the reaction of the characters seeing the mess, so cut out the first line above. If you read it outloud, this is evident. Use of 2 "look" too soon.
ERICA Ah, my favourite agents. Glad you could make it.
"Thanks for coming." or "Too busy doing something else?" Gotta create conflict on all levels.
You are going for a "Fringe" feel here, I guess?
You got the scene on pg 7 and 8 about the mud. Is it important for the story?
"Sarah sticks out one leg to him." Sarah displays her dirty leg.
"She finally knocks him out with the elbow of her other arm and Aydon lands prone on the rocky ground."
Get rid of the word finally.
I'd lose the "acts." Just tell the story in a script. If someone wants it in act structure, it'll get there eventually.
You set up the ending to continue with, thats good. I'm not too sure if the forst episode was satisfying enough to continue, however.
Do you plan on writing more?
GL
Tony
P.S. There is something "off" about your voice. Not sure exactly what it is yet.
thank you too for giving it a read and for your comments.
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The staff and the guests are gone, the scene is closed off by people in white protection suits.
A woman in such an overall is taking samples from the dead body on the floor. This is DR. ERICA AVERING, fortyish.
A couple more people in white overalls are busy collecting pieces of flesh in the area.
Aydon and Sarah, also wearing overalls, enter the room.
AYDON Wow look at this mess. Looks like we missed a hell of a party last night.
Don't these action blocks describe the 'mess' already?
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ERICA Ah, my favourite agents. Glad you could make it.
AYDON Yeah, wish you a good morning as well.
I hoped that would do as 'conflict'. But your suggestions would clarify it a bit more, thanks.
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You are going for a "Fringe" feel here, I guess?
Well, 'Fringe' is certainly a source of inspiration for most stuff I write, but I think this one is different enough to not be derivative. I'd rather say I'm aiming at a bit of Fringe, X-Files, Dark Skies here.
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I'd lose the "acts." Just tell the story in a script. If someone wants it in act structure, it'll get there eventually.
They are common in TV episodes and are expected/rated in contests.
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You set up the ending to continue with, thats good. I'm not too sure if the forst episode was satisfying enough to continue, however.
Sorry, you didn't like it.
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Do you plan on writing more?
For now, I've only got an outline for the episodes for a complete season in my series bible.
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P.S. There is something "off" about your voice. Not sure exactly what it is yet.
If you find out, please let me know, always looking for ways to improve.
Thanks again for the time to read it, if you got anything you want me to read&comment on, just let me know.