SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 11:18am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Frankie - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Frankie - OWC  (currently 2972 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 9:18am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Frankie by Captain Walton - Short, Horror - A woman goes to extreme lengths to save the man she loves. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 9:50am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
Fun little attempt, with a strong vein of humour.

I have little more to say. There are a an awful lot of Frankenstein stories in the world. I didn't feel this really went far enough in a new direction to make me love it.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  October 24th, 2015, 2:31pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
Logan McDonald
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:29am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Astoria, NY
Posts
56
Posts Per Day
0.02
I agree with STF. It didn’t seem like Zach’s character to start going crazy, it just felt like the next step to go through when writing a Frankenstein monster. That kill was pretty radical though! The ending honestly disturbed me.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
RKeller
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.01
The cover page should be page zero.

Pg 2
"...young and elderly.." implies teens or twentysomethings are here.  Let's see how this play out.
You need a SLUGLINE after Zack speaks.  Kate is in the room.
ZACK needs an intro.  How old is he?  It's important.

Pg 3
Okay, every script today has a un-cladded or partially-cladded female.  Me likes.
Turning pale is an odd reaction to being jumped by a hot nurse.  My eyes would bulge.
He BURRIES her in the folds of his blanket. I dunno what that means or if that's an English verb, but it sure sounds festive!

Pg 4
Quite the smash-cut.
Kate has the scissors and says "...be careful" To whom is she talking?  This smacks of forced exposition.
It's out of character for Kate to drop a needless F-bomb.  It jarred me out of the story.

Pg 5
I get the gist of what's going on, but the needle is kinda weird here.
What will you call me if I'm back?  More unusual exposition, perhaps forced foreshadowing?

Pg 6
It's short for Frankenstein.  More forced exhibition, unless this PBS for kids?
The surgery is almost over.  Not sure this is needed, as she says "Done" moments later.

Pg 7
Who's eyes are wide open?  It's important.
Allow him three days to recover is forced exposition, a really egregious one.
I think you mean reflex, unless the patient has acid reflux indigestion.

Pg 8
Boob reduction and dancing.
This needs rewarding "Zack, naked, minus the bra"  It's Frankie, and I suspect he's wearing the bra, so it would not be "minus."


= = = = = = = = = = = =
Almost all of Laura's dialogue is unnatural and is only there to inform us.  It's often jarring.  Find a better way to tell us what we need to know.
Because we don't know his age or much about Zack, it's unclear why she's attracted so to him.
Laura doesn't call for help?  He confidant is being brutally attacked.  Or are you missing a scene where Laura and Frankie boink?
Kate's character is well-developed.
Unlike others, you followed the rules.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
No need to tell us what kind of facility this is. It already says hospice in the slug. You can describe what we see, but don't tell us what kind of place it is.

Zach is bold or bald?

Zach sounds pretty strong for someone soon to die.

I'm having a bit of a hard time buying Zach's friskieness.

Page 4.    Intrigued by the head mentioning. I think I know where it's going, but I'm still intrigued.

Page 6.    Only two people handling a head removal? I don't know, seems like you would need a whole surgical team.

Page 9.    He tears her breast off?

I think this one could be turned into a comedy. It almost is already. I guess my main complaint about this one is that I didn't really buy Kate and Laura pulling off a complex surgery like removing Zach's head and putting it on another body.  I like the idea though. My suggestion would be to either play up the comedy or be a little more serious about the whole thing. Either will work IMHO.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Sorry for lack of comment, been reading on a phone.

One comment on format would be the introduction. We have to see the centre not be told about it.

Overall - it's ok. The start better than the end which drifted out of tone.

But he does say bobbies so thats cool




My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
ScenesUnwritten
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Brooklyn, NY
Posts
18
Posts Per Day
0.01
This is the first one I've read where I actually was like wtf.  That's a good thing.

PROS: Interesting start.  Liked all the characters and the everything flowed nicely.  Shocked by the ending.

CONS:  The shift at the end was too drastic. Darken up the beginning a little built and build the characters a little more.  Even out the tone and you got something pretty interesting here.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 6:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
How do we know this is MEDOWGLENN unless we see a sign with the name on it?

If you are aiming for low budget, stay away from hospitals and medical equipment, they don’t come cheap; trust me I’ve tried.

The relationship between Zack and Kate is great. I really feel for their predicament.

A head transplant? There’s no such thing yet, is this set in the future?

A lot of people have gone down the Frankenstein route which has surprised me, of all the classic monsters I think this one was the hardest to do on a low-budget. It goes horribly wrong of course and the boobies thing is great, I just didn’t believe it.

Nicely written though, it just switches in tone too drastically in the second half.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
IamGlenn
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 10:06am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
692
Posts Per Day
0.20
Captain Walton,

This is a comedy, I think. Other than the visuals of the operation, there's no elements of horror here. If it is a comedy, it's not my kind of humour. The punchline is Frankie ripping a woman's tit off and saying boobies.. Sorry, it does nothing for me.

The writing ok-ish. Awkward at times and quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes.

Best of luck.

Glenn.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1979
Posts Per Day
0.31
Hello,

As others have suggested, this should be turned into a comedy.

Dont know if it was ur intention but embrace it lol. I've had worse things commented on mines lol.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
PrussianMosby
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
FRANKIE

Script starts at p2.

First slug – the place references are listed in reverse order, always main setting first

Use a new scene heading for Zack's room

Well, it's not enough of material for a shooting yet imo. I like the vibe though. This Frankenstein script feels retro in a good way with irony and fun constantly interwoven with a bit dark mood. Well, like Adam's Family somehow.

The ending with the waltz reflects what I mean - irritating good



Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) COPYWRITE 2015 - mis-spell or joke?
2) When she goes into Zack's room it should be a new slug
3) Not hugely convinced by their doctoring talk or skills
4) Think you meant reflex not reflux?
5) The ending didn't really work for me

Good bits:-
1) Well written
2) The idea had promise and head transplants are always fun!

Rules
Budget might be a stretch, not really classic monster

Overall this was okay

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Gum
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
A head transplant is definitely one for the annals of science, but one that allows a person to realize a full blown transgender identity is definitely one for the annals of Vanity Fair.

Again, I'm getting a slapstick/political satire feel here to rock the boat of the establishments' bullshit, especially the recent trash they're ramming down everyone's throat... God is dead, bow to the Drag Queen!

Glad I stayed with it till the end, the sudden twist of fate for Zack/Frankie was a funny resolution... 'cept the tearing off of Kate's " Boobie"

Zack:  "How so wrong... when feel so right!?"

OK, he didn't say that but it would have been acceptable at this point. I liked it, funny stuff.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1522
Posts Per Day
0.31
In the first slug, "Corridor" and "Hospice" should be switched. Better yet,  MEDOWGLENN, is good of a location as any if it is that important (it isn't). Otherwise, unless there's a sign or pen with the hospice's name on it, I don't know the name because you tell me.

At first I thought Kate worked in the hospice, so her hanky panky with Zack threw me off a bit. She works in a hospital and not the hospice, okay, Still, Zach doesn't quite act like he's dying, unless quickies really do get the heart pumping  

Dark humor goes a long way with this, very twisted. In a way I;m glad Frankie didn't go to Hollywood to Relax

Re-animated Zack tearing his doctor girlfriends Cups off almost came off too corny, almost. A slight guilty pleasure with the end result. Simplicity!



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 13 - 23
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 4:33am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

This is MEDOWGLENN, an assisted-living facility for young and
elderly who count their last days. 



I had to do a double-take here as I at first thought you were introducing a character... but it's a building. Just put MEDOWGLEN HOSPICE in the slug. Why are you telling me this? This should be shown.

And what's with the end of the sentence, the 'who count their last days.' bit. Are they terminally ill? If so, say so. Reads really weird at present.

Code

Kate's lips stretch into a wide smile. She walks to ZACK
(30s), bold, who lies in bed propped on a stack of pillows. 



Bold? Do you mean, bald?


4 out of 10.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006