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I have little more to say. There are a an awful lot of Frankenstein stories in the world. I didn't feel this really went far enough in a new direction to make me love it.
I agree with STF. It didn’t seem like Zach’s character to start going crazy, it just felt like the next step to go through when writing a Frankenstein monster. That kill was pretty radical though! The ending honestly disturbed me.
Pg 2 "...young and elderly.." implies teens or twentysomethings are here. Let's see how this play out. You need a SLUGLINE after Zack speaks. Kate is in the room. ZACK needs an intro. How old is he? It's important.
Pg 3 Okay, every script today has a un-cladded or partially-cladded female. Me likes. Turning pale is an odd reaction to being jumped by a hot nurse. My eyes would bulge. He BURRIES her in the folds of his blanket. I dunno what that means or if that's an English verb, but it sure sounds festive!
Pg 4 Quite the smash-cut. Kate has the scissors and says "...be careful" To whom is she talking? This smacks of forced exposition. It's out of character for Kate to drop a needless F-bomb. It jarred me out of the story.
Pg 5 I get the gist of what's going on, but the needle is kinda weird here. What will you call me if I'm back? More unusual exposition, perhaps forced foreshadowing?
Pg 6 It's short for Frankenstein. More forced exhibition, unless this PBS for kids? The surgery is almost over. Not sure this is needed, as she says "Done" moments later.
Pg 7 Who's eyes are wide open? It's important. Allow him three days to recover is forced exposition, a really egregious one. I think you mean reflex, unless the patient has acid reflux indigestion.
Pg 8 Boob reduction and dancing. This needs rewarding "Zack, naked, minus the bra" It's Frankie, and I suspect he's wearing the bra, so it would not be "minus."
= = = = = = = = = = = = Almost all of Laura's dialogue is unnatural and is only there to inform us. It's often jarring. Find a better way to tell us what we need to know. Because we don't know his age or much about Zack, it's unclear why she's attracted so to him. Laura doesn't call for help? He confidant is being brutally attacked. Or are you missing a scene where Laura and Frankie boink? Kate's character is well-developed. Unlike others, you followed the rules.
No need to tell us what kind of facility this is. It already says hospice in the slug. You can describe what we see, but don't tell us what kind of place it is.
Zach is bold or bald?
Zach sounds pretty strong for someone soon to die.
I'm having a bit of a hard time buying Zach's friskieness.
Page 4. Intrigued by the head mentioning. I think I know where it's going, but I'm still intrigued.
Page 6. Only two people handling a head removal? I don't know, seems like you would need a whole surgical team.
Page 9. He tears her breast off?
I think this one could be turned into a comedy. It almost is already. I guess my main complaint about this one is that I didn't really buy Kate and Laura pulling off a complex surgery like removing Zach's head and putting it on another body. I like the idea though. My suggestion would be to either play up the comedy or be a little more serious about the whole thing. Either will work IMHO.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
This is the first one I've read where I actually was like wtf. That's a good thing.
PROS: Interesting start. Liked all the characters and the everything flowed nicely. Shocked by the ending.
CONS: The shift at the end was too drastic. Darken up the beginning a little built and build the characters a little more. Even out the tone and you got something pretty interesting here.
How do we know this is MEDOWGLENN unless we see a sign with the name on it?
If you are aiming for low budget, stay away from hospitals and medical equipment, they don’t come cheap; trust me I’ve tried.
The relationship between Zack and Kate is great. I really feel for their predicament.
A head transplant? There’s no such thing yet, is this set in the future?
A lot of people have gone down the Frankenstein route which has surprised me, of all the classic monsters I think this one was the hardest to do on a low-budget. It goes horribly wrong of course and the boobies thing is great, I just didn’t believe it.
Nicely written though, it just switches in tone too drastically in the second half.
-Mark
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This is a comedy, I think. Other than the visuals of the operation, there's no elements of horror here. If it is a comedy, it's not my kind of humour. The punchline is Frankie ripping a woman's tit off and saying boobies.. Sorry, it does nothing for me.
The writing ok-ish. Awkward at times and quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes.
As others have suggested, this should be turned into a comedy.
Dont know if it was ur intention but embrace it lol. I've had worse things commented on mines lol.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
First slug – the place references are listed in reverse order, always main setting first
Use a new scene heading for Zack's room
Well, it's not enough of material for a shooting yet imo. I like the vibe though. This Frankenstein script feels retro in a good way with irony and fun constantly interwoven with a bit dark mood. Well, like Adam's Family somehow.
The ending with the waltz reflects what I mean - irritating good
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!
Picky bits:- 1) COPYWRITE 2015 - mis-spell or joke? 2) When she goes into Zack's room it should be a new slug 3) Not hugely convinced by their doctoring talk or skills 4) Think you meant reflex not reflux? 5) The ending didn't really work for me
Good bits:- 1) Well written 2) The idea had promise and head transplants are always fun!
Rules Budget might be a stretch, not really classic monster
A head transplant is definitely one for the annals of science, but one that allows a person to realize a full blown transgender identity is definitely one for the annals of Vanity Fair.
Again, I'm getting a slapstick/political satire feel here to rock the boat of the establishments' bullshit, especially the recent trash they're ramming down everyone's throat... God is dead, bow to the Drag Queen!
Glad I stayed with it till the end, the sudden twist of fate for Zack/Frankie was a funny resolution... 'cept the tearing off of Kate's " Boobie"
Zack: "How so wrong... when feel so right!?"
OK, he didn't say that but it would have been acceptable at this point. I liked it, funny stuff.
In the first slug, "Corridor" and "Hospice" should be switched. Better yet, MEDOWGLENN, is good of a location as any if it is that important (it isn't). Otherwise, unless there's a sign or pen with the hospice's name on it, I don't know the name because you tell me.
At first I thought Kate worked in the hospice, so her hanky panky with Zack threw me off a bit. She works in a hospital and not the hospice, okay, Still, Zach doesn't quite act like he's dying, unless quickies really do get the heart pumping
Dark humor goes a long way with this, very twisted. In a way I;m glad Frankie didn't go to Hollywood to Relax
Re-animated Zack tearing his doctor girlfriends Cups off almost came off too corny, almost. A slight guilty pleasure with the end result. Simplicity!
This is MEDOWGLENN, an assisted-living facility for young and
elderly who count their last days.
I had to do a double-take here as I at first thought you were introducing a character... but it's a building. Just put MEDOWGLEN HOSPICE in the slug. Why are you telling me this? This should be shown.
And what's with the end of the sentence, the 'who count their last days.' bit. Are they terminally ill? If so, say so. Reads really weird at present.
Code
Kate's lips stretch into a wide smile. She walks to ZACK
(30s), bold, who lies in bed propped on a stack of pillows.