The Riding Hoods' Creed by P.H. Cook writing as Lycan Thrope - Short, Horror - A troubled young girl, desperate for attention, enters a biker bar and gets a night full of horror. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Obviously too long, so fails the challenge.

SPOILERS:

That aside, it's a nice story. Kind of reminds me of Dusk Till Dawn, but with Werewolves. I was with you all the way to the end. It felt a little weak that he would break the club's rules for that girl and then willingly face death from his peers. You'd have to sell his reasons for being willing to die for her a lot better than you have done. It's a big ask, imo.

The writing and the general tone were impressive. Easily the best of the first batch, despite the length. Just that ending that falls a little flat.

Easy read, but I didn't buy the story.

- A 15 y.o. walking to a biker's bar in the first place seems unrealistic, why would a 15 y.o. do that?
- Those guys tell her they commited murders and what not, and their first concern is she isn't 21 and thus not allowed in a bar?
- And then they even decide to drive her home?

This is too long.  Perhaps you will grow weary of people pointing this out to you.  Your own fault, that.

THE GOOD:  Bookending this with the scene on the bridge is an effective device.  Co-opting the legend of Red Riding Hood is also a good, interesting choice that serves the story well.  The scene with the cages is a good one, too.  The writing is clean and easy to follow.

THE BAD:  I found Gwen inconsistent as a character, and on a few occasions she even strained the bonds of credulity.  This honor code of theirs also seemed a bit odd, and perhaps it is just the horror guy in me, but I would have preferred that they meted out justice on Lonnie for ripping the poor, misguided girl to shreds.  The imagery at the end is far too overt, and feels unearned.  Apply such iconography with caution.

bert's grade:  (With appropriate deductions for length) C

Um, the requirements were clear: up to ten pages.

Pg 1
Weaver is a proper noun.

Pg 2
Music BLARES. (Isn't this sound direction?)

Pg 3
Booker's more logical action is to call the cops himself, but that probably won't serve the plot.
I'm not supposed to watch 15yo girls disrobing, yet here it is...
Harry says, "We're not the finest society has to offer."  Is his tough guy or a college prof?

Pg 4
Okay, now Harry drops the F-bomb.  We're rolling.
You kinda beat us over the head with the ticking eleven o'clock deadline.
Forty-five minutes to go ten miles on a motorcycle?

Pg 5
She was struggling to stay a moment ago, but now she's freely riding a Hog?
A few hairs HAVE sprouted. Subject-verb agreement.
Why is she concerned about the bike?  How did she originally traverse the five miles to get to the biker bar?
peaks -> peeks
Again, I ain't supposed to be concerned about underage girls and what they wear, but did Gwen ever re-button her skirt.  It's kinda important.

Pg 6
Again, if this is a short cut, why is Gwen complaining.  She must know this area, right?
Hair...juts.  Subject-verb agreement.
Now you got me looking up her skirt.  I feel dirty.
He's growing a beard at warp-speed and she's fondling her calf.  She must really like hairy men!

Pg 7
Ah, she did manage to reassemble her skirt.

Pg 8
BDSM for ten year olds. Not sure how to react.

Pg 10
Gwen saying "werewolf" is forced exposition.
She kicks off her shoes.  Interesting.

Pg 11
Stopped reading.

= = = = =
Good job integrating werewolves with Riding Hood, including Gwen’s not the protagonist.
How Gwen got to the bar is important.
Overall, though, this was a fun script to read, even though I’m reluctant to reveal that because you have a minor doing adult things.

This was an enjoyable read that flowed quite nicely.  

PROS:  I liked the what you did with Little Red Riding hood.  I liked all the characters and the descriptions were well written, I never was confused.  I like the characters, and I even liked that  Gwen was 15. I find it believable that she was 15.  A 15-year-old would try this.

CONS:  This isn't really low budget in my mind, with the creature effects and the slow motion bullets.  Although, I could be wrong maybe someone could do those on the cheap.  I was a little confused about Gwen being nervous after he said, rape.  Before that she seemed a little more in the know, but maybe your trying to show how really naive she is.  If that's the case, it wasn't that clear.  Too long.

Nice one!

This is the 2nd story I’ve read and the 2nd Werewolf based one. Is this going to be the most popular theme? Time will tell!

The Red Riding Hoods, I like that biker gang name! Very apt.

Ah I see, this is a Red Riding Hood tale, it’s very obvious and thick.

The script is easy to read but 2 pages too long for this challenge. You could cut the first scene as you repeat it later on and it serves no purpose watching the end twice.

As for the story, none of the characters felt natural. Gwen’s actions would get her raped and killed. The pack risking exposure by taking her back to grandma just as the moon is rising is daft really and then killing the guy because he let her go…well if they didn’t want to let her go why let her into the bar in the first place or why not just kill her at the start and be over with it?

There’s lots to fix in this but I do think it is salvageable as a story.

Well done for trying.

-Mark

Right off the bat, one word gets my attention. That word is  silhouetted.
Read the description of Lonnie and you'll hopefully discover why this word seems out of place.
(hint: you can't see the tattoos or the patch on his jacket with it)

No nodding, please. (p4)
No scoffs, glares or rolling eyes. either (p5) These things are meaningless actions.

Quoted Text Like a dog...or wolf.

Choose one.

A bit long, but not a bad effort overall....except for the odd,out of place bondange reference on p8.

Lycan Thrope,

I enjoyed this one. Writing was good and the story was nicely told. It's over 10 pages though and can't see this one being low budget. For these reasons it has to be a no from me as it wouldn't be fair on those that stuck to the rules.

Anyway, as I said, I enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it. The scene in the woods with Lonnie and Gwen was nicely done and you racked up the tension nicely. The ending was also nicely handled.

Good job.

Glenn.

I am really loving the title. WHY? Marketability. Take something old and well known like Little Red Riding Hood and mix in werewolves. Super smart writer!

This is good easy writing...definitely a vet here.

I love the way it opens up with mystery. Are the bullets gonna rip through him or not? That would hold me through the whole story so you started with us on the seat...good job.

The ONLY thing I would've liked to see done different is the whole flat tire thing. I know it works but if there was anything else you could put there I'd be happier just so it would feel more original.

And then OMG this is my FAVORITE part...and love the IRONY and TRAGEDY  of him not killing the girl! Make the audience all warm and fuzzy but then poor  Lonnie gets it in the end and we come full circle on the bridge.

Great tone in this story. Love biker werewolves idea. Good stuff. One of my favorites!!!

Hmm.
For the first four pages they are trying to get Gwen out. This is a bit long for me.
So the story starts on p5 I guess.

It got very interesting past p5.

I wish there was more to the girl. Why did she choose to go to the bar at night? I thought she was something too. At least she could save Lonnie or something.

It's still a very good story. I just wish there was more.

* Spoilers *

Wow.  This is the second OWC I've read (hey, things are crazy busy, so I'm rationing one per day...) I'm going in order - the first one was the rowboat, the girl and that... thing beneath the water. Plus, it's kind of nice tackling one per day. It means I can consider the scripts in depth, with meaningful responses - short though they may still be.

But so far, I'm really liking the quality of the submissions.  And this one in particular.
Beautiful professional writing here, and a great blend of two mythos - Red Riding Hood and the Wolfman.

Granted, I think the FX on this one may be difficult.  But it's a definite winner (and DEFINITELY an STS pick, if the writer says yes.)  Classy story - well done!  

Hello,

Spoilers!

Liked the fairy tale angle you did here.

I think you should definitely expand this as s feature to show why this group act this way and why Gwen is in there.

Other than that, congrats on completing the challenge.

Gabe

Definitely a unique take on the Classic Horror Monster, however, incorporating a fairytale/folklore monster (now) opens up another avenue of approach re: the theme.

Vis-à-vis: the Witch in Hansel and Gretel, or even the Bears in Goldilocks can all be portrayed as monsters in the right element, so I’m unsure if the ink rings true to the topic.

This was a great concept though, and I enjoyed the script. The visual imagery was really good IMO, and this ‘Brotherhood of the Wolf’ concept, disguised as a criminal biker club, creates a whole new set of possibilities for a feature length script.

Another thing that threw me is, you have a contradiction of morality happening. That being, all of the club members have priors (indicating a criminal mindset), yet they lock themselves up to protect society from their bloodlust?

I believe that denies them aspects of their actual creature-hood. Perhaps as punishment for revealing their secret, the lone wolf must face an angry pack (brotherhood) of Werewolves to prove his worth, or rights of survival; jaws and claws tearing at one another until there’s only one. That would be a wicked fight, IMO, set against the backdrop of a (full) Blood Moon.

Just my opinion of course, I really dig what you’ve done here though.

EDIT: I stated it might not ring true to the topic cause of the Fairytal element, but a Werewolf is a Werewolf, and that's definately a Classic Horror Monster.

I expected more. A mix of Red Riding Hood and Werewolves is an easy association to make... probably done before.. but, as such, I really expected more. Well written, but just wide of the mark for me.

6 out of 10.