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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Ill Conceived - OWC
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  Author    Ill Conceived - OWC  (currently 3401 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ill Conceived by Haley Rylms - Short, Horror - A renowned geneticist devises a plan to reunite her family following a tragic accident. - pdf, format


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Equinox
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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My thoughts:

- You shouldn't describe character down to their hair colors, leave that to the casting people.
- Lyle doesn't really sound like a 12 y.o., she speaks like an adult.
- A lengthy flashback within a 10 pg. short - not my cup of tea.
- Just realized Lyle is a boy, sounds like a girl name.


Quoted Text

A bright sunny day, Lyle, 7, dive-bombs into the water,
squeals with delight.


and


Quoted Text

INSERT: NEWSPAPER HEADLINE
Swimming Pool Accident -
Five Year Old Son of Prominent Physician Comatose.


Is he seven or five years old?

Not sure a lab-breeded horror baby works as a 'classical monster'.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Interesting Frankenstein story with some potential.

Overall, I felt it was a little convoluted, and I wasn't wholly sure what actually happened at the end. Might just be me.

It would be very hard to film a twelve year old as a 7 year old, as well. Not sure how you'd work that on screen. It would be a very tough casting for sure.

I feel the real horror of the piece lies in the woman's loneliness and guilt for what happened and in trying to make this horrific creature, rather than in the gore you threw in at the end.

It also feels strange that she tries to grow a new child when Llyle is still alive. Would it work better if he was dead?

Good title.

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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing this was a Frankenstein take.

I agree with the previous comments that the Flashback was a bit long for a short. I also wasn't sure if Lyle was in a coma or dead for awhile. If he was in a coma, would Victoria really try to replicate him? More believable if he was dead. However, if he was dead, where would she get all his DNA from?Do people save items like a hair brush and tooth brush for years? This was part of my confusion.

I didn't think Victoria's medical lingo sounded realistic. It sounded more like a writer who did some research.  

Not bad. Just a tad confusing at times.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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A very noble effort at updating the Frankenstein tale. It required a lot of explanation to get the science across so this felt unnatural and like exposition.

The descriptions were a bit too much and I doubt this would be low budget but it’s at least an attempt to do Frankenstein with a modern twist.

You lost me towards the end, it got confusing but I think if you trimmed this back and worked on it, it could be great.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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I really like this one. Just the type of creepy, weird horror that floats my boat. It's a nice contemporary twist on Frankenstein's monster too.

I just started reading the OWC entries, but this is favorite so far. I would love to see this produced. Good stuff
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Pete B. Lane
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox
Just realized Lyle is a boy, sounds like a girl name.


I don't know you but I see that you're in Germany. Is English your first language? I don't mean that to be insulting at all, but Lyle is nothing but a male name in my part of the world.

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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 3:17am Report to Moderator
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No clue in the pseudonym. The log doesn't grab me.

Getting a little bored around page 5. This is taking its time.

I don't think we need to know how she did it.

I don't understand the ending. I've read it a few times now and still don't get it. I'm going to need that explaining, sorry.

Some really great writing on show, if a little long. Nice atmosphere, again ruined by the length and unnecessary exposition. She's a scientist, she's created a monster. End of explanation. You can throw a little more in there, but not if it's going to hurt flow as it does here.

I can't give this more than a 5 because I don't understand what happened at the end. I thought she was recreating Lyle. Yet Lyle is OK at the end and he's horrified to go and see his mom in the basement. I just don't understand it. If I did, then I'd give this a high score as it is written very, very well.

5 out of 10
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khamanna
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 4:29am Report to Moderator
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Oh, Lyle is a boy?

You overcomplicated this with flashbacks and series of shots. At least get rid of series of shots - I don't think you need them at all.

This is a creepy concept and a very good one too. I think you could clean it up, get rid of flashbacks and it would be better.

Darnell is telling Lyle his mother's story and I think it would make all the difference if we know why from the very beginning. You're telling us why at the end - it's late.

Darnell says she needs to get better - she doesn't seem weak at all. She's cradling a baby after all. I think you could show a baby in a cradle and her emaciated or something.
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stevie
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 6:08am Report to Moderator
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This was a very cool idea not quite nailed by the writer. Perhaps they were rushed by the time limit and scrambled the ending a bit?

With a rewrite and some sage advice this would rock



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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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As others have said, all of what follows is just my own personal opinion.

There's an idea in here (and you have a good title), but structurally I think this is a bit off. Beginning in the hospital corridor is a strong opening image, but it corners you into then very quickly abandoning this setting to jump into a narrated flashback, which turns the opening into feeling a superfluous framing device. Actually it's not even really that, as you complicate matters again at the end with the skip ahead back to the house. Twists work best when they shed new light on what's gone before, rather than introducing a completely new element that complicates everything further and means we understand LESS.

If your story is in the past, start with the accident and work from there? You've currently got the whole thing set 'in the past' within the script, which I think impacts on any tension and urgency. Especially as you haven't allowed time at the start to set up a compelling-enough mystery that makes the flashback feel worthwhile. 7 pages of a 10 page script in flashback makes me think you should just start at the chronological beginning.

Throughout, you don't dwell long enough at any one moment to feel like an actual, developed scene - the whole thing is moving so fast it feels like one long 'grieving mother montage', rattling through story beats like they're a checklist. If you come back to this after the challenge, slow down, take longer on each individual moment.

From her first appearance in the flashback, Victoria comes across as pretty unlikeable. Again it's probably down to space, you don't have any room for the two characters to interact and so show us what their relationship is like. It's all very well for her to miss him when he's gone, press her hand to the window etc, but currently the only moment we have of the two is her snapping at him for just being an excited kid.

Darnel isn't much of a character at present. What does he do in his life? We never see him do anything that suggests a personality, job, beyond what he looks like you give us very little to work with. Narratively, he disappears for a good chunk of the script, and when he does reappear I don't really buy his reactions in the basement - his 'head in his hands' moment is a bit comical, as is the shoulder shaking. Is he afraid of what he's seeing? Disgusted? Scared for Victoria? He must have known she was up to something, the barrels of poison should have been a giveaway something was up... You need to work more on the relationship between Victoria and Darnel, so we can accept them as husband and wife. Again, this might be a space thing - we never see a 'before', only them in crisis, but even then he isn't particularly affectionate beyond calling her 'darling' once.

Also, Lyle isn't dead. He's in a coma. So isn't all of this slightly premature? On pg. 7 Victoria says: 'No-one can ever replace our Lyle, but Francis is the closest thing to him.' But what if the real Lyle wakes up? What happens to Francis-Lyle then? You haven't told us that's unlikely, we have no idea how bad this coma is. Until you tell us it's pretty much hopeless, everything Victoria is doing seems a little bit odd (well, odder than it already is).

Hope some of that helps. To recap: if this much of it is flashback, consider telling in chronological order. Flesh out the characterisations, and work out the relationships between characters (they don't feel like real people atm). Your big confrontation scene is the basement, but you need to put more thought into each character's mindset, what they're feeling, as Darnel's reactions atm don't come across as believable. There's an old rule that in each scene, each character should have a 'goal', ideally one that puts them at odds with the other character, and the conflict should come from those two characters both trying to achieve their respective goals. What does Victoria want to achieve here? What does Darnel want to achieve? Are there moments in the scene where those goals shift, when does that happen and why?

And I'd be interested in any light you're willing to shed on the ending.

Well done on entering the challenge, though! Best of luck with any rewrite.

---

Here are some page by page notes:

PAGE 1
- I don't think you need the SUPER, the preceding dialogue makes it clear we're in a flashback

PAGE 2
- IMO, 'narrative' VO should be avoided about 95% of the time. What you have here isn't really adding any insight, just repeating what you're showing. As you're doing that, you don't need to also tell. Try cutting all of it, filling in what then won't be clear with action / visuals, and see what you end up with. It will almost certainly be better.
- I'm not the best person to ask, but I think that SERIES OF SHOTS is incorrectly formatted (is it a good idea to switch locations to the hospital without a new slugline?). 'Incorrect' as in, what you currently have isn't very clear. SERIES / MONTAGES can be a bit awkward to convey written down, so best for someone more comprehensively schooled in format to explain how that could be better laid out.

PAGE 3
- Your sluglines - again someone else may correct me, but if you're skipping ahead time-wise I think you need more complete slugs to help explain this? What you have at the moment sort of conflates everything into one long sequence, rather each being its own distinct scene.
- the scene of Victoria in bed: consider moving to before she has her breakdown in Lyle's room? Fits better there with her at her lowest ebb, doesn't sit too well with Darnel's 'thought she was getting better' dialogue now that she has renewed purpose.

PAGE 4
- 'Your mother was preeminent in the field of genetics and biochemistry.': oof, that's on the nose. Pure exposition there, be wary of that. Again, show don't tell.

PAGE 7
- I know why he's called Francis-Lyle, but it doesn't really make sense within the world of the story. If a doctor genuinely wanted to artificially create a person, they'd probably want to steer clear of the famous story in which that goes horribly, horribly wrong. If Francis was the name of Lyle's imaginary friend, or something, that would make more sense.
- when Darnel sees a wall of shelves containing horrific organs, I don't really buy his reaction. What you have now comes across as a bit comical - 'Ah Jeez Victoria, what have I told you about growing horrific abominations of nature in the basement?' Maybe that's what you wanted, but then tonally that's a bit strange. If you want him horrified, genuinely disgusted, I don't buy that currently.

PAGE 9
- Darnel's keycard: so does he work at this facility? If so, why does he need everything explaining to him earlier on? If not, why does he have a keycard?
- 'Lyle hides behind Darnel's trouser legs.': that's a short twelve year old

PAGE 10
- wow, that's really gory, and suddenly explodes from nowhere. Doesn't really fit with what's gone before...
- again with the SUPERS! You don't always need them. And actually in this instance, they massively confuse it - if the idea is he wakes up from the dream of the previous scene, you need to handle that transition differently, something more snappy between the two scenes.
- I don't get the ending... was the hospital a dream? Is this a dream? Is the idea this is all within his coma? If so (and I wonder if that's right), that's not been suggested anywhere before.


Guess who's back? Back again?

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JonnyBoy  -  October 26th, 2015, 3:13pm
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hayley Rylms,

This one was quite confusing, and at time quite tough to get through. There's quite a few thing I didn't get. Why was the mother creating a new child if Lyle was alive? The ending... What exactly is The mother doing downstairs? Why does no sound come out when Lyle screams?

The whole flashback with VO didn't work for me either.

Quite a bit of over writing here too. Along with an unclear story, it makes this a tough read.

A re-write should definitely be considered though, there's a decent story in there somewhere.

Best of luck.

Glenn.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Lyle is 5 in the newspaper
2) A long flashback seems an odd way to start, maybe lose the intro up to it?
3) Not convinced re low budgetness of the lab setup
4) The science is a little over explained, to the point it started to sound wrong
5) I initially mistook Darnel for an orderly at the institution, his name doesn't seem to gel and Lyle doesn't call him Dad in the opening... am I missing something?
6) And the end... nope the logic escapes me

Good bits:-
1) Well paced in the main
2) Loved the 'there's a best bit' line
3) The central idea is solid and it's well written

Rules
Think it might have budget issues and not sure there's really a classic monster in here

Overall liked this until the end lost me

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hello

This could be trimmed in the middle when dad asks all those questions. Cut to when he tries to reason with Victoria.

As others have suggested, start chronic ally and work your way to present.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Ill Conceived

You almost had me here. Almost. I didn't care about all those superimpose, flashback, insert, and scientific big-budget stuff because this had a real vibe and balance that dragged me out of the challenge into your world completely.

The script works like a question for 7 to 8 pages. A great balanced mystery built up of you.

Only the answer to that question is where it lacks. And I never expected it would or could.

But damn I'm still impressed and that with this, for me, absolutely unsatisfying ending and reveal. That fact is so contrary to storytelling, the same way you broke all those rules and do-not-conventions in the parts that worked. Karazy



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