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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Phantom's Song - OWC
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  Author    The Phantom's Song - OWC  (currently 4267 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Phantom's Song by The Other Gaston Leroux - Short, Horror - The goal of all true Art is perfection, but what price would you pay to achieve it? - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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A phantom script... and the original author as the pseudonym. I suppose it's the first one that comes to mind.

Interesting logline.

A little put out that this doesn't seem very modern right now.

A good story, that plays on the belief that losing one sense improves the capacity of others. I think you could have taken this further, the removal of fingers (touch) for example.

I liked it though, nice work. 7 out of 10.
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Logan McDonald
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Great twist, Very good dialogue and nice character arcs, especially for Maestra. My favorite so far!


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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I agree with Dustin and Logan, this is good.

This is the second Phantom script of the competition. Both focus on obsession, but both have managed to find their own voice and bring something new to the story. Cool.

Low budget? Yes. Two actors, an empty theatre and one make up effect.

Horror? Certainly if you consider Horror as an emotion, rather than a Genre. A pedant might say it's more Psychological Thriller, but there's certainly a horrific atmosphere to it and the implications that arise from the story....being asked to do the impossible or else face the strictest consequences.

SPOILERS:

Definitely worth considering what Dustin says. At the point the man leaves the stage and heads to the dressing room, there's scope there for Maestra to punish him more severely. Perhaps consider taking a hand, as Dustin suggests.

Would that give the ending even more of a powerful kick, having him stood on stage with a newly bandaged hand,  shaking in pain and fear and being asked to do the impossible? We'd know how much more torture he's going to have to face as he inevitably fails to please.

Or would that undermine the reveal about the audience? I'm not sure.

Either way, good job.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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A Phantom Story! Nice to see one of these in the competition.

I was going to say this doesn’t have a modern twist but the twist at the end was superb and brought it into modern times nicely.

I do agree with what others have said, I think we need to see a bit more of the sacrifice Antonio is paying for his art. As it is at the moment this doesn’t feel like a horror but if we see Maestra punish him for running off the stage, if she takes a finger or something, this will help. That section feels like exposition anyway, rather than her telling us what she’s done to him, you could show us.  This would also help with the question I had as to why doesn’t he run away? She seems to have great strength, let’s see more of her monstrous side!

Hmmm……if he’s the Phantom though, what is she? Intriguing!

I really like this, my favourite so far. It shows loads of potential and I hope you develop it outside this challenge.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Kind of horror, but more of a drama really. I felt for Antonio. Very sad.

I thought it a bit overwritten sometimes.

The mannequins were creepy. Maestra's dialogue was great. Not much to add to improve.

Don't know what writing software you use, but you need to fix the margins.

Good job.


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Pete B. Lane
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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This was well-written but felt, I don't know...pretentious? Just not my taste in horror, I guess. It didn't feel modern, that's for sure.

Frankly, I'm conflicted. I appreciate that you went with a Phantom story, and it's well-executed, but I didn't really care for it. As I said, it's just a matter of taste. A solid effort, I understand why others like it.
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Equinox
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Not really a classic monster in this one, but I like it a lot, my favourite so far.

The lengthy dialog of maestra towards the end


Quoted Text

MAESTRA
You think you have sacrificed, but
what I have taken, I have given
back ten fold. You were born with a
gift. But to concentrate that gift
I had to take away distractions.
The physical beauty that made you a
prize for women who would have
ruined you. Like your wife. The
eyes that tricked you into fixating
on material realities. But perhaps
I need to take more?


was a bit of a let down. It would have been much better imo, if instead of telling us how she tortured him in the past, she would have  just done something else to him. That would be much more effective in revealing she tortured him in the past in order to focus his senses on the music.

Anyways, good one!


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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The Phantom's Song

It's partly good and has some potential. The music and all that could be an intense experience of art.

The script only has one flaw that I often react on pretty clear: when a handicap or disability is shown in a clichéd, unrealistic way.  He cannot see – so his orientation must be poor.

Because – a blind person originally would even be able to get a clear impression by the applause about who someone is,
which is, the other way round unimaginable for somebody who can see. Especially a singer would know by sound, vibrations, wind at which side of the theater how many people sit.

There are even blind persons who can use sounds from their tongue to let the resounding work as sonar, identifying every object in all its facets. Unbelievable stuff.

That said, I don't know how long he's been blind now and if you entirely want to imply that he's cheated all the way without knowing; since you let the same voice introduce him again and again which makes me believe he does know it is all fake. But still it's just a thin line for me somehow, to give the false impression about blind people if misunderstood the way I fear here.  

So, that weakens an interesting script massively for my taste.

You can work that out.

@ try to interweave how Maestra undresses him, if you like to. As written, in one paragraph, it's a boring shot of 20-30 seconds at least, that interrupts their conversation for no reason




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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Edit: Spoilers:


The script makes clear that she blinded him...so he's never learnt to be blind.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  October 26th, 2015, 12:44pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Edit: Spoilers:


The script makes clear that she blinded him...so he's never learnt to be blind.


Exactly this is what I mean. So, what he learned (from that point on) is nothing - this blinded poor man.

Just my opinion.




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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) A little melodramatically/overwritten in places (imho) - maybe this is intentional
2) Some of Maestra's dialogue is over long
3) I think there's elements could be left unsaid, e.g. I'll lock it... we hear the locks going, I think that could be more mysterious.

Good bits:-
1) I liked the tone overall
2) Built well to an effective climax
3) Reminded me a little of Theatre of Blood - never a bad thing!

Rules
Well there's no classic monster in it, technically but I think it passes in the way it's written with the Phantom's spirit clearly imbuing the script  

Overall I really liked it

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gum
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hauntingly beautiful. Dark and ethereal.

Although others might disagree I honestly can't find anything wrong with this piece.

I felt for Antonio. I imagine his dreams have become his only escape. Safe and secure behind the veil of his poster bed, he dreams,  but the dream is always the same nightmare -- He wanders through a field of falling ashes, and the only sound is his disembodied Aria.

Lot of talent on display here.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Gaston Leroux II,

I'm not overly familiar with The Phantom story but this was very good. I really enjoyed it. The two characters were superbly written and it was easy to read. It was haunting and heartbreaking at the end. My favourite so far.

Great job.

Glenn.


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Hello

I guess this is a origin story for the phantom of the opera.

My only thought is why he doesn't try to get away or kill maestro.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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