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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Seek (was The Strange Case - OWC)
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  Author    Seek (was The Strange Case - OWC)  (currently 3128 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Seek (was The Strange Case) by Mark Renshaw writing as Balfour Stevenson - Short, Horror - A kidnapped women must unleash a dark, deranged side of her personality if she is to stand any chance of surviving. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 24th, 2015, 12:48pm
revised draft
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:50am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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There's potential here.

I like the hide and seek aspect and the way it continually comes into play.

I'm a little lost as to what's happening though, on the first read.

SPOILERS:

I get the multiple personality thing, but I don't get the link between the rapist thing and the psychiatrist Office. Is the whole thing in his imagination?

While it treads some familiar territory...Identity, and The Ward, there's definitely an interesting story here with a little more clarity.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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The logline isn't exactly inviting. Who wants to watch a brutal rape? I'd suggest changing it to something more intriguing once names are revealed.

Page 1.    His sits....

Page 2.    Intrigued. How did Alex switch place with the man in the straight jacket?

Page 3.    Fetal...

Page 4.    Is the man that calls him Dr. Freckle in the room or on the video? Might want to make this clear.

I didn't see a classic monster here, unless there's one I'm unaware of.

Parts of this intrigued me. I liked the Flashbacks with the constant counting, but I was also confused a lot. I think making this about multiple personalities is tricky when you have limited pages for the story.

The writing itself was fine and I had no issues with it. I was just confused a lot with the story.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 3:50am Report to Moderator
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Balfour Stevenson... Jekyll and Hyde?

First few action lines, nice. Well written.

Code

The ADULT version of ALEX retains his freckled complexion.
His sits behind a desk making notes.



Typo in the last line, his for he.

I liked that. Good story.

7 out of 10.
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khamanna
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 3:58am Report to Moderator
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It's an interesting story. Doesn't follow the guidelines though in my opinion. Where's the monster? Is it Dr. Freckles? Or the pack of children somehow stand for the monster in your story?

So Dr. Freckles is the raped woman, right? He's trying to free himself from the childhood abuse this way, I guess.

In my opinion it lacks ending. He's trying and trying and then what? Then nothing happens. It needs some kind of resolution. Maybe a twist. But something in the end I think.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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The monster is Jekyll and Hyde. There is even a part in the script where it mentions that the HIDE personality comes out. There is also a clue in the pseudonym. Balfour Stevenson is Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson.

It can sometimes pay to Google the pseudonyms if you want a clue as to what will be inside before you open it.
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Nathan Hill
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:18am Report to Moderator
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Found myself very confused reading this at first. It's got a very surreal feel to it.

I did like the grimness of it, perhaps too disturbing for my liking even if the rape isn't totally outrageous. The concept of it is disturbing.

The script is a little bit of a miss but I don't think it's that bad, perhaps just me not understanding much of the jumping around?

Still well formatted and quite disturbing in it's nature.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) A few typos, needs a polish
2) The logline may put a few people off
3) I found it a little difficult to follow at times, may be just me

Good bits:-
1) Very visual
2) Interesting theme and premise

Rules
Well it's got Hyde in it, not sure if he's a Universal classic but works for me

Overall this was well written, very dark and could be interesting if filmed.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Logan McDonald
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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While I didn’t understand what the monster was while reading it, after looking at the discussion board and thinking back there are some well-placed clues. Hyde and seek. That’s really clever. This was really well written and had me squirming in my seat. The pacing is very tight and I wasn’t bored at all! In all, this is one of my favorites.


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Logan McDonald
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Also, just wanted to make note of the change from summer to winter midway through the story.  Smoothly written and visually interesting!


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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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THE STRANGE CASE

A straight jacket's fabric tears because rubbing it at the corner of a desk? It's a movie so I buy it. Somehow it's still near the border – so better use a real sharp item. Easy fix.

Great image with the eye.

These switches are really intriguing to follow. In movies, I used to like it when they reproduce shots, changing characters/actors as in a case of the subject schizoid disorder.

If those switches could be delivered perfectly, with regards to format, readability,
and the meaning would be a bit cleaner fleshed out too,

then this could be an outstanding play imo.

Good job for now



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Gum
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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"There is an audible POP as one testicle explodes followed by his high-pitched scream!"

I think you missed the memo re: theme, it said 'Horror'... not 'Trauma' ... as in traumatize the reader.

Unbelievably graphic, I'll give you points for that, and quite a methodical approach towards MPD and buried alters.

This is a complex weave, a spell if you will, and I would imagine you needed someone to talk you down after you wrote this.

Overall, I liked what you did here, and dig the style. That being said, I've read this twice and still have not (completely) unravelled the enigma within...
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JonnyBoy
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Bit lost with this one. I liked the usage of Jekyll and Hyde (nifty title, btw), that was a refreshingly inventive choice. And there's strong imagery - page 6 definitely isn't for the faint-hearted - but overall it left me scratching my head.

Obviously the multiple personalities angle makes it more complicated to follow, but what actually happened in the script? Alex was both a doctor, and a man in a straight jacket, and then the woman being raped... what's real, and what isn't? It's not so much a twist as a corkscrew straight into confusion. Did the flashback happen? Why is Alex both a boy and a girl?

The sheer level of violence makes a sort of brute force impression, and it was all weirdly compelling, but I don't really have enough of a hold on what actually went down to form an opinion of whether the story was 'good' or 'bad'. Hopefully the writer will shed some light once their identity is revealed!  


Guess who's back? Back again?
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EWall433
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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This was intense, surreal and fairly interesting. Somewhere around page 6 it becomes unfilmable, at least as written. A nice little turn the tables story, but I’m left to wonder why she didn’t unleash this before she was cuffed.

It’s certainly one of the more memorable entries, but I’m not quite sure it hangs together as I look back on it. What was the psychiatric angle suppose to represent? The switching of places? Is the moral of the story don’t rape a schizophrenic? Might have been an interesting angle to have Alex actually be an abused patient in an asylum. Maybe that’s even what you were going for, but it didn’t seem clear to me. I don’t mind the surreal aspect per se, but by the end it felt like something was missing; something that would make it all click together.

Decent job for a week’s work, though.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Balfour Stevenson,

As others have said, a little confusing. I liked it though. A ballsy entry for sure and it really hooked me in. A few things I still don't quite get, but with more time, maybe you could clear a few of them up. Well written and pretty good for a weeks work. One of the better ones.

Best of luck.

Glenn.


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