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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  New Order - OWC
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  Author    New Order - OWC  (currently 3415 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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New Order by Brian Stonker - Short, Horror - Ian is being followed. He only wanted to eat breakfast and finish his book. At first it seems harmless. But it ain't gonna stay that way. - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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The thing that stood out for me most was how downbeat all the dialogue was at the point Ian and Gemma had been captured. It felt more like they were having tea and biscuits than they were in fear of their lives.

This seems to continue throughout, it gives it a really strange atmosphere.

It's not bad,  but the tone isn't right.
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stevie
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm confused. Where is the classic monster  in this?



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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Dracula.
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stevie
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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Right. I'm thinking perhaps there was still confusion about the classic horror monster bit even after Don clarified it. To me that evokes images of Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee as Dracula, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein, the Wolfman etc. so the challenge was to use these actual characters - as they look in film and pop culture - in a modern day setting. I dunno, perhaps Don could enlighten us?

By a delicious irony, the only scripts I have read so far that use these images have mainly been the ones with a horror/ comedy vibe lol, and a couple with the Phantom.

Maybe the blond vampire in this particular script could be Carlisle from Twilight?



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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:04am Report to Moderator
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Brian Stonker -- pretty obvious what this is going to be. The logline suggest a comedic lilt. We'll see.

Why would he ask the waitress if she can see the guy looking through the window? Perhaps when he looks back after talking to the waitress, the guy is gone. Jars with me as is, seems a weird thing to say to a waitress. I imagine that people look through the window all the time, perhaps he was gauging the menu and prices before deciding if he wants to eat there or not.

Why is he running all of a sudden? The guy appears to be following him and he starts running. Why? Wouldn't you wait for the guy to walk past, or even confront him and ask wtf?

Also, if this guy is Dracula, why is he out in the day?

Really bored around page 6.

Not much of a story here.

4 out of 10.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Right. I'm thinking perhaps there was still confusion about the classic horror monster bit even after Don clarified it. To me that evokes images of Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee as Dracula, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein, the Wolfman etc. so the challenge was to use these actual characters - as they look in film and pop culture - in a modern day setting. I dunno, perhaps Don could enlighten us?

By a delicious irony, the only scripts I have read so far that use these images have mainly been the ones with a horror/ comedy vibe lol, and a couple with the Phantom.

Maybe the blond vampire in this particular script could be Carlisle from Twilight?


Well, it was Classic Horror Monster with a modern twist....the modern twist would seem to include leeway to change their appearance.

The theme didn't say: Classic Horror Monster in a modern environment.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written, I take it the writer is a fellow Brit with the greasy spoon at the beginning.

The setup was way too descriptive for me. The whole eating in the Café and everything that transpired up to him being captured could either be trimmed down or cut altogether. With shorts you need to get into the story as quick as possible. I see no problem with it starting with him waking up in the apartment and cracking on with the action.

Can you imagine during production them being concerned with things like him pausing to put a sausage in his mouth as he spots something outside? These are details that’s worked out by the actor in rehearsal and during takes etc.

The way the characters react to the horrific situation seems unreal. The dialogue is more like a couple in a sitcom discussing their latest daily lives.

It’s obvious the monster is a vampire or Dracula, so there’s the classic monster but I couldn’t work out why he can calmly operate during the day but still be susceptible to the stake? Personally, I do dislike it when people take liberties with established rules just to make their lives easier but that’s just me. Easily fixed though, you could set this at night.

I think this does meet all the criteria of the challenge, I’ve seen quite a few that haven’t, so well done!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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ScenesUnwritten
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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This felt like it was in a neighborhood similar to Shaun of The Dead, felt like it was in England, but at first I thought it was going that route.

PROS: Ian seem like an interesting character.  Liked the style of the character.  Liked the setting of the neighborhood.

CONS: Dialogue was wrong.  Nobody seemed to understand the direness of the situation.  Gemma was too sarcastic, they were frantic enough.  I also didn't understand why Ian was caught without giving a fight.  Maybe it was a tonal thing.  They didn't seem too concerned as if it all happened before.  Was this a comedy a horror or both?
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Logan McDonald
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn’t do it for me. I wasn’t sure what the monster was until I read the discussion board and the dialogue between the captives was a turn off. If you changed it to something like the two of them panicking and struggling to communicate because of their fear you could have something pretty creepy.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, sorry for the short review.

Yeah, this is s Brit

I liked the tone, somewhat somber which fitted

After that, it felt flat and I wasn't sold into the characters

Two victims and a mutual escape - that's a lot in ten pages

It's up to you but either set them both up for a interesting reason or go with one

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Not convinced this includes a classic monster
2) The reaction to being kidnapped seemed a little too deadpan

Good bits:-
1) Bloody goth colditz - nice!
2) Liked some of the descriptions, probably a Brit thing

Rules
Well I'm not convinced it's a classic monster but meets rest of criteria

Overall this was well written and had an interesting tone to it.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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First one for me. I'm going to try to keep all reviews short n sweet.

I think this is great! It's my type of humour.  And, I could picture all of it very easily.

Scenes Unwritten makes a great point about the Shaun Of The Dead vibe - loved Simon Pegg in the morning after/hangover scene blindly traipsing past zombies.

This has a lot of that type of vibe. Writing 'slacker type' characters with droll humour who act contrary to the direness of a situation and are not exactly bright sparks is what makes this for me.

The goth Colditz line is inspired, and I particularly enjoyed Gemma practicing stabbing movements with the pen.

Is it a classic monster? It's clearly a little soft sell for some readers who want the 'in their face Monster', but this is quite obviously Dracula.

One of the things we writers constantly have to do is come up with new takes on well worn formulas -

I think the writer achieves that here by posing the question: What if Vampires can come out during the day, or at least when the sun is not shining.

SUGGESTION:: I'd do away with Gemma saying she was having a nice dream. Didn't think that was credible. And I'd do away with New Order's line: Scared me. Just leave it with: 'Who's there?'

Meets The Challenge and I think it'd make a great short. Chuckled out loud at New Order's last line.

Great job, writer.


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khamanna
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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I think the ending here need to be more fun. Something twisty maybe, but overall this is great in my opinion.
Great writing and all, hands down my favorite so far and I read 17.

Sorry for the lack of comment though.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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New Order

"Ian’s fork with the sausage hovers in front of his mouth."

That's a quite problematic moment. Very hard to describe a reaction of a character facing such a subjective supernatural event happening in front of his eyes. It's hard to write but the way you let him react feels not right somehow. Something like that blows our mind, we'd check the table, the fork... hectic etc.

The suspense is good, though I expect Ian to turn around and talk to the man.

" Once she’s out of sight Ian winces and
grips his bleeding hand."

Common he's full of adrenalin.

"rope with a knot appears" – nice deus ex mashina

" IAN
There’s only a few bits of me left
that don’t throb with pain."

I really like what I read but I'm not sure if this constant goofy dialogue does its justice to that beautiful dead or alive chase.

Good script. I wished the tone would have been a bit more consistent. The action is muuuuch better than the dialogue here imo. The script could be cut a fair bit if you like.


Anybody understood the thing with the fork? Was it the man's supernatural power?



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