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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Why Me? Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Why Me? by Ryan Phillips - Comedy - Curtis Smalls is on house arrest for the simple fact that he was caught red handed with someone else stolen merchandise. Now the courts have him on house arrest for an unknown time. But the only way that can happen is that he has to stay with a responsible adult. He picks his older sister Susan. Susan used to be a former city judge who didnít take any crap. 57 pages - pdf, format


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Erica
Posted: November 10th, 2015, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Your formatting seems to be off.  I'm not sure why you are using all caps for action lines.  Also spacing is wrong.  You have caps and underlines in dialogue.

I have to say after reading the first scene with Curtis, I would have not reason to continue reading, he just doesn't seem like a likable person.  Not saying that can't change but it certainly didn't hook me to watch/read more.

Also your logline is very long.


[url]http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GoodbyeV3a.pdf[/uit.url]
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Marcela
Posted: November 11th, 2015, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ryan, I wanted to read your script but your it's too difficult tp read because I am, like everybody else, used to certain format. I use CELTX, it's competely free and it's pleasure to work with once u get used to it. If u need some more advice, drop me a line,
Marcela


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pale yellow
Posted: November 11th, 2015, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there writer...

Definitely have to brush up on format. Also not sure I like the talking talking talking for pages at a time. I do believe though that the story may be good enough to rework it a bit. Like instead of the talking on the phone to his sister, why not have his lawyer or parole officer drop him off at Susan's house maybe while she's having a dinner date or something so that they are put into awkward situations. Him calling her is not really giving the stakes that you are after. He gets out of jail...shows up at his sister's house who he hasn't talked to since high school or something? Also I'd change the offense on the first two pages. It would be better if you made it something outlandishly almost funny...use some dark humor instead of sex with minors. That is just icky and would work more if you were writing a thriller, horror, or something dark,

One other thing, and I've only read about ten pages...but the characters sound like they are all the same. Like the lawyer should definitely have a different sound with her words than the main character. Make them stand out and fit the character you have written here. Maybe a lawyer with an alcohol problem(slips flask at weirdest moments). And maybe a crime that is crazy hard to believe and ridiculous.

Good luck with this. It's so hard but I know you can do it. Buckle down...read some pro scripts. If you need some pro pilots to read, pm me your email and I'll send you some. Then get Celtx or some writing softward to help you with the format and you will have a better script in the end.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 12th, 2015, 7:47am Report to Moderator
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This seems to be a comedy series script, so it's listed in the wrong category.

Most/Many comedies are produced with multiple-camera-setup. Final drafts of those series definitely look like the script here, in general.

Don't know if this special formatting already starts in spec scripts, since I have no broad knowledge about the topic...


No End of Wolves†† (9p - psychological horror)

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