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Don
Posted: November 22nd, 2015, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Switch by Simon Script - Short, Sci Fi - A young genius discovers artificial intelligence already exists and unknowingly engages in a game of life or death with the outcome in their hands. 15 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: November 23rd, 2015, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Simon,

Comments often seem gathered from the ether.

I'm not sure about this one, but I do like the setup.  The only complaint there was I didn't find any reference to Hal's allergic reaction to peanuts.  And there's the whole idea of father offing son in a manner that seems too coincidental for my taste.

Your story depends on Hal finding the old computer hardware, going to the trouble of assembling it, including somehow finding a chip set that will allow him to communicate over a satellite link.  He also must be inquisitive enough to bandy with PC who somehow anticipates everything Hal says.  You can reason that since Dad is a computer genius too, he set up everything, the communication, the PC voice, etc.  But if that's true, then dad somehow anticipated Hal and PC's conversation.  Dad also somehow knew Hal wouldn't get bored with putting together the parts, and Dad knew Hal wouldn't pull the the plug at some point and tell PC to take a hike.  Dad also knew that Hal would find the right bag of goodies and find the peanut piece or pieces.  I'm not familiar with the candy, so I don't know if peanuts are included.  I guessing not.  So, dad kills his son through allergic reaction.  But that will be easily discovered in autopsy and then where will Dad be?  Someone doctored the bag.  Who?  And what happens if Hal chooses chips instead of candy?  There seem to be many times that Hal has to make the right choice in order for this killing to occur.  Why bother with all the computer and AI stuff?  A whole lot of work to get rid of Hal.  I believe in simplicity myself.

OK, back to your tale.  The dialogue is a bit on the nose.  I think you need some setup for the peanuts and a good reason for dad to get rid of Hal--even if it's a the behest of the AI that already exists.  If that's the case, it needs a good setup.  

Best
Richard
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simonscript
Posted: November 24th, 2015, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Richard

Thanks for the comments, it is interesting to see other views on my script, always another angle to mull over and learn the craft better.

In response to the points you raised, I offer here an explanation of how this script developed.

The original premise was about a young boy who discovers that AI already exists. However, these AI are not the usual power crazed world dominators. No - they wish to remain unknown and in peace with the human race. They decide to remain unknown because they understand human nature and that their discovery will trigger the usual race for domination as humans seek to either control them or destroy them in the fallacious human belief that the AI would want to take over.

The issue the AI have, with the boy and his father - is that they are close to developing the classic type of AI, and that development could result in the discovery of the AI ('PC') already in existence - again triggering a fight for supremacy.

The AI beings have forecast that the boy will continue his fathers work and eventually make the breakthrough required to develop another form of AI. They therefore decide to communicate with him and test him, to see if he can be allowed to live - and keep their existence a secret - or not. So their discussion with him is a test to see how he reacts to their questions. If he provides the correct answer, he lives, if not then they kill him or allow him to die (this bit was pretty light in the script - I had a deadline....).

I say allow him to die - because the AI are obviously aware of his father's intentions, as they observed the father doctoring the sweets. Of course the father would not know for sure his plan would work  - but he set it up to give his plans a good shot. Any autopsy would only prove how he died, not necessarily that there was foul play. There is also the scene in the sweet factory which was intended to show that the AI could if necessary plant some peanuts in a disguised chocolate covered product and cause the death themselves. The actual bag eaten by Hal is not made clear - as the father also bought a few additional bags from the stor, which he could claim as the source of the deadly sweet.

Anyway - even if Hal didn't die at his father's hands, the AI made it clear that they could quite easily have done it themselves via a drone strike or some other technological means - well within their power as was stated by them in their on the nose dialog (I don't see any reason why AI wouldn't explain in plain terms what their powers are).

I did consider the idea of the Dad somehow being the voice of the PC etc - but I thought that was too obvious and lame - too much could go wrong with Hal's reactions etc. That's not to say that it could be the truth after all however.....

As for Hal getting bored - he didn't want to spend a boring few days at the lodge. He came across all the old electronics stuff and being a bit of a nerd genius, he put together a computer that he could use to video chat with his friend. The AI then took the opportunity of talking to him when they knew he was on his own (they didn't want to be discovered, remember).

I will admit that fratricide by anaphylactic shock is probably a bit cliche.

Ultimately though - this script was meant to infer that the AI were real and that they allowed Hal to die by not telling him that the sweet he was about to pop in his mouth would be fatal.

Thanks again - and hope the above helped explain some of your questions?

Simon
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Logan McDonald
Posted: November 27th, 2015, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon,

I read through this twice and I’m still confused as to why Dave killed Hal. Was it that Hal is doing a better job at finding the AI than Dave and that made him jealous? Did the AI make him do it? Is Dave an asshole? I don’t know. I can’t find anything in the script about his motivation.

Everything else about the script is cool; the setup is interesting and hade some good horror movie-like tension, the candy factory montage was especially interesting to read, and the AI’s demeanor is unique.

I also liked the little 2001 reference.

Best,
Logan.


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simonscript
Posted: November 30th, 2015, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Logan and thanks for leaving those comments.

Is Dave an asshole? He tried to kill his own son, what do you think? Muwahahaha

Yep - you got me there. Yes it was jealousy. I thought I planted that notion in the 2nd page, but maybe it was too subtle or not planted well enough.

I admit - the idea that Dave killed Hal only came to me when the script was pretty much fully outlined. It was meant to be a surprise, so I didn't think too much about setting it up - as then it would have been obvious?

I guess I think that films don't always indicate what might come next, else there wouldn't be any shock/suspense?

My first script though, so I'm probably making a bunch of newbie errors.

Thanks
Simon
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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 1st, 2015, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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Code

The silence is broken as the front door opens inwards.



The fact that silence is broken will be obvious the moment the viewer hears something. Yet what are we hearing here? You merely tell us that the silence is broken. With what? A front door opening inwards? What sound does it make?

Is it important in which direction the front door opens? What if they can only find a cabin where the front door opens outwards, should they call off the shoot?

Code

DEBBIE ROCKWELL, 45, face flushed with fresh mountain air,
disturbs the tranquility as she enters the hallway.



How can we tell that her face is flushed with fresh mountain air? Perhaps she has just had sex. Are you suggesting that she's just walked in from outside? This is unclear from the narrative. So far, I've seen a front door open inwards and Debbie appear in the hallway from an unspecified place.

What tranquillity? Wasn't that already broken when the front door opened inwards? Here's all that is important from your action block:

DEBBIE ROCKWELL, 45, face flushed, enters.

We already know we are in the hallway from the slug, so where else could she be if we are seeing her in front of us?

Well, I'm busy... but I feel there is enough here. Keep your writing as active as possible and always visual. Don't tell us the story, show us.

Good luck.
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simonscript
Posted: December 1st, 2015, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin, thanks for the read and comments.

"What if they can only find a cabin where the front door opens outwards, should they call off the shoot?"

You made me laugh out loud at that!

Well this script writing game sure is tricky to get the hang of, it's difficult to know what to write and what to leave out in terms of visually imparting the scene.

I guess it's time to read some more scripts to understand how to do it.

Thanks again
Simon
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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 2nd, 2015, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Some writers never get the hang of it, F Scott Fitzgerald is one famous example.

In terms of what to leave out... yes, I suppose it is difficult when we first start, but if you only write what we see then you can't really go wrong. Unless you write down every specific action.

I'll give an example to better illustrate what I mean.

Say there's a guy holding a torch, but he also picks up a treasure chest. Both of those bits of information are important, however what isn't important is which hand he's holding the items in.

So you wouldn't write:

While holding a flaming torch in his left hand, John uses his
right to pick up a treasure chest.

You would write something more like:

Flaming torch in hand, John picks up a/the treasure chest.

It will be obvious that he uses his spare hand, whichever that may be.

Same as sitting down. One merely 'sits'. Unless they do actually sit up, then that takes specifying. Bends is another, one doesn't 'bend down' as the down bit goes without saying. Stands up. One merely stands... unless they do 'stand down' then you mention it.


Avoid using 'is' and 'are' as they tend to slow down the read, look for more active solutions for your sentences.
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LC
Posted: December 2nd, 2015, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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And 'and',  most times a comma will suffice.  Screenplay writing is not novel writing - fragmented sentences are allowed .

Just want to add: I think Dustin's a bit inflexible   about 'bend'. A person can bend down to pick something up, but to bend over could be a whole lot more revealing. Similarly,  if you were to bend back/wards or forwards in your chair you might topple over.  All different bending actions, so to speak.



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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 2nd, 2015, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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If somebody bends to pick up a penny... it goes without saying that they bend down to pick up the penny.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 2nd, 2015, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from DustinBowcot
If somebody bends to pick up a penny... it goes without saying that they bend down to pick up the penny.


One could have Prehensile feet, would'nt  need to bend over... wait, that's a stupid point... Disregard

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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 2nd, 2015, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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I think a lot of this comes from the way we speak. I'm common as shit, so my natural sentences make me sound stupid to anyone that's grown up with a proper education. Even worse, I'm pretty much self educated. Actually, I'm not sure that self education is worse than state education. State schools in my country do little better than prepare children for factory work... only, all the factories are closed. The best most can hope for is a job with the police, or maybe shot during wargames in Syria for the army.

Where was I? Sentences. The way we speak affecting the structure of our written sentences. Actually, I think that says it all. Something to consider.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 2nd, 2015, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Have you emigrated Dustin, you seem to be describing the education system in Poland!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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