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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Misery Index Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Misery Index by Randy White (ranman78 ) - Horror - People in an impoverished town are turned into zombies after eating free meat provided by the government.  125 pages - pdf, format


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GreenGecko
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry I only have time to comment on the logline. Since it's a zombie film, I have to critique it with a keen eye. What's the hook here? Impoverish town sounds interesting, but it's not quite a hook. We've all seen a billiion zombie films, so why would someone start up on a 125 script about them?

It could just be a decent zombie flick with no specific "hook," but I haven't read it unfortunately.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from Don
Misery Index by Randy White (ranman78 ) - Horror - People in an impoverished town are turned into zombies after eating free meat provided by the government.  125 pages - pdf, format


Randy,

Without reading the script, and just from the logline, which is actually preventing me from reading the script...

I see a huge problem, besides the "another zombie story". I read this and say... "okay" thanks for telling me what happened in the log. Any other reason to read? Not really. I don't see one. I'll read the "next" script someone posts. Let's just examine what you provide with this:

"People in an impoverished town are turned into zombies after eating free meat provided by the government."

You're telling us what happens and to where they are and by whom. Why? Where is the intrigue into mystery here? Where's the rest of the story?

You need to add a line explaining what needs to be done to overcome this and by when it needs to be done at the least. Just by explaining how it happened doesn't tell me this is a legitimate story, or even anything slightly different.

Of course, I can open this and find a masterful story that is unique and blows me away. Get me to read it from the logline. It's what it's there for!

GL

Tonya


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Randy
Posted: November 29th, 2015, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Tonya:  The logline tells you how the situation is happening, not why.  The characters in the town are introduced and their financial troubles explored long before the inevitable.  If I was to give away the twist in the logline there would be no reason to read the screenplay.  Give the script another chance you may be surprised.
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spesh2k
Posted: November 30th, 2015, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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This seems competently written, although the bold face kinda jumps out at you a bit. But I've seen all bold face before in scripts. One of the reasons it's 125 pages is because the writer often devotes a whole action line to an object/person to draw emphasis... it's fairly common, though I personally feel it's a bit overdone (from what I've seen). Though it seems like a quick read (if you can get past the all bold face).

Zombie films have been done a trillion times, though I do see an obvious hook here, not sure why people seem to be confused about that. The log line is drenched in irony -- people from an impoverished town get free government meat and turn into zombies. Zombies, traditionally, eat brains, so they're basically wiping themselves out because they're all zombies and have no "living human being brains" to eat to stay alive, hence, starving. The log line kind of is telling us why the situation is happening, but not the "whole" why.

I'll check this out once I get a little time...

-- Michael



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Randy
Posted: November 30th, 2015, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Michael:  Thanks for actually reading the script.  It is meant to be a satiric, horror comedy.  I appreciate your commentary.  ran.
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Marcela
Posted: December 9th, 2015, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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I actually liked the logline. Made me want to read the script. I only read 6 pages or so. Six tiny scenes on one page was too much for my brain to handle.

I think this is a no-no:

CONROY
regards his inquiry with a wicked grin.

This distract a reader, simply because that's not a standard action line. Also your dialogue formatting seems a bit non-standard. What software do you use?


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 10th, 2015, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Marcela
I think this is a no-no:

CONROY
regards his inquiry with a wicked grin.


He's using Subject Slugs, which draw attention to that "thing", and the assumption is the camera goes to these "things" as well.

Personally, I don't like this style of writing, as it's just unnecessary and makes for a difficult read and also adds length to the script because of the extra Subject Slug lines.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 12th, 2015, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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You don't have to give away any twist, spoilers, or plot in a log line, however, you still need a hook or some mystery. Zombie are, I guess, still a hook, but it's lost its sizzle. That's not to say you don't have a good story, here. But as far as garnering interest...not sure with as written, IMO.

Let's have a look

BLB



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: December 15th, 2015, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Randy

So, I took a look at the first 15, and so far some the good was setting up what appear to be the theme, with the opening and character hunting his own food while others wait in line. I'm expecting this will be played out during the middle of the story where Conroy has to help those in need or another character has to become more self sufficient. I like this setup. From what I can tell  it was intentional.

I was not a fan of the number of slug lines in rapid succession, just from a reading standpoint pulls me out of the story. I'm going to give the last act a read to see if that theme is still present and if there is a realization in any of the characters. Because I also had a difficult time deciphering who the main character was.

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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