The Girl in the Fence by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - An anomaly in an online photo opens a schism between a childless couple, it may be resolved for one if only she can understand what the photo reveals. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Anthony,
very interesting piece! I like the theme, but found the logline a little confusing. I'd probably delete the other half of the logline.

Quoted from Marcela I'd probably delete the other half of the logline.

Yep, I would agree with that.  Very nice idea, this script.

I had difficulty visualizing the end, though I did get the gist of it.  There is room for a bit more clarity in that final page or so.

I also think Grady would be more effective at the very end, as opposed to some random person driving by.  That would mean losing their earlier conversation, but seems no harm to do that.

Perhaps also shorten their conversation a bit after they explore the fence at night.  I can see you trying not to be explicit, but you instead overcompensate with twice as much dialogue as you actually need to fill in that blank.  Less is more.

Just some thoughts.  Liked this one a lot though, just the same.

Marcela/Bert - thanks for the reads, really appreciated.

This is the script I intend to enter for the Jameson short script competition, so your suggestions and insights are just what I was looking for.

Bert - had toyed with the idea of Grady been at the end, I think I've worked out how to so will add. Dialogue, will have a look at it again.

Anthony

Great script, Anthony! I appreciate drama.  Beautifully written, and great use of hints to provide us with an inkling there was an abortion in their past -- I got that right? Either way, a very satisfying story.

I too was going to enter the Jameson comp. Was  there something in it about no alcohol? You have Grady sucking down a beer at one point. Another thing was, according to the rules, it's supposed to be about a person letting go of their fears and seeing how wonderful that can be. I think that's it. You certainly have an ending full of wonderment, but what fear is Jodie letting go of?

I started a script, The Apple Tree, only to realize I didn't follow the stated rules. Still might enter though. The clock is ticking on this one!

Great work!

Steve

I really enjoyed this script, it's well done.

The ending did confuse me a bit,

Quoted Text Did it ripple?

Was the driver saying this or are we as the viewer seeing this.  From a shooting point of view, do you show a ripple or is it up to audience interpretation?  Just a little confused at this.  

My thinking if I was shooting this, would be to have the driver stop because he thinks he sees something (flash perhaps), then drive off, having the camera slowly dolly back around to revel two knots in fences that form faces as we slowly fade to black.

The script had a Secret Garden feel to it, I enjoy those kind of movies.

Hey Anthony,

I think you could describe Jodie and Grady a bit at the beginning.

The dialog in this reads a bit matter of factly.

I'd suggest you add a little something to their characters otherwise Im having trouble differentiating between them. Id also suggest you add clarity to this- I wouldnt understand it if not your logline. Nice idea!

Steven/Erica/khamanna - thanks for the reads and comments, really appreciated.

Steven - glad it worked so well for you! Re abortion, possibly it's intentionally vague beyond the fact that they've agreed not to have one/any... I tried to be subtle as these thing are often spoken about obliquely. No alcohol... damn I think you are right... was originally just soup and no beer or burger, may return to that - thanks and great prompt to re-check all the entry requirements! Let me know when/if you want a read on Apple Tree.

Erica - glad you liked it too. Did it ripple is an aside, I know you aren't supposed to use them, but I think they add flavour to a script if used sparingly... it's meant to indicate that there may have been a ripple or shimmer, sort of out of the corner of his eye. Love the idea of two knots in the wood now, will incorporate that, thanks.

khamanna - I didn't describe Jodie or Grady as this is for a competition where Jodie specifically will be played (if I win) by a certain actress, so I left it out beyond age.

Thanks

Anthony

Yeah, no read necessary. I'm not entering that one. Might be a last minute thing for me. I think the abortion angle works well because this girl is their daughter. I understand why you left it vague, though, and I think it works very well.

Yeah, pretty sure no alcohol involved!

Just curious regarding my other comment about Jodie's fear.

Steve

Hi Steven

Jodie's fear bit... according to the T&Cs the script should...
"Your story should be around the great and/or unexpected things that can happen when you fear less and invite life in."

So for me Jodie releases her fear of being alone (why she agreed to no kids), something unexpected has happened with the fence and she jumped at the chance of motherhood...

That sort of thing... though I may need to pump up why she is scared and has settled...

Not necessarily a perfect fit but fingers crossed the magical realism will win them over

Anthony

Nicely written. - Crisp and clean while still being vivid.

I didn't get this passage at the end:

Quoted Text The driver looks out of his open window, stares at the fence. Did it ripple?

Nor do I think it is needed.

The ending was a little unsatisfying for me. Yes - I can see that Jody is happy but I am left wondering - and???? Will she decide to have a child now? Maybe if there was a piece of dialogue where the girl asks are we going to play again or something akin to that and Jody replies - yes, will. Not that exactly of course, but something that tells us Jody is going to take that path.

I would have liked a little more on the angst of what made them decide not to have a kid - I agree with a prior poster that is sounded like they had an abortion and I read (just my view) that is was an issue of convenience (job/careers, etc.) - I would have liked a little more compelling obstacle (e.g., she carries a down syndrome gene, etc.). i.e., the fear of inconvenience just didn't seem compelling enough to garner empathy for Jodie.

Best of luck with this. Again - it is solidly written.  

Thanks for the read Dave

I've removed the ripple line as so many commented on it and tweaked the ending a little too.

New version is uploaded.

Anthony

Anthony,

Like the take on the ‘street maps’ angle -- always interesting to see how new technology/innovations can be interpreted.  I find something about that whole tech slightly creepy.

I wasn’t quite sure whether they’d lost a child or hadn’t been able to have any.  Given the girl had an age I’d lean towards the former though I think it’s a bit too vague.  As a result I didn’t quite feel that sense of sadness and longing that could make the ending all the sweeter.

Sound idea, though one I think is worth exploring in slightly more detail.  Feels like I should be more emotionally invested in Jodie’s choice.

Steve.

Hi Steve and thanks for the read, appreciated as always.

With you totatlly on creepy tech, probably why it features so frequently in my writing it always seems to add a new 'what if' twist to things.

Re lost a child, intentionally vague as couples tend to talk round those things rather than directly (unless a full on arguement and then they'll throw any old shit at each other!)... so I wanted to leave it open to interpretation... but think you are right re sadness/longing and if the script was allowed to go over 7 pages I'd have more room to build it up ;-( I'll have another look though see if I can't make it a little more present.

Any joy with your Dule Tree script? I loved that one, be great to see it fimed...

Anthony

Very enjoyable read. I liked the sense of understatement in the script.It had a kind of Hammer House of Horror feel to me. I think you made a good choice in being slightly amnbiguous about the abortion. I don't really have any suggestions for improving the script, so good luck if you enter in the Jameson's competition.