Techno-Loo by Chris Beadnell (cbead) - Short - As two weary Aussie backpackers transition from travelling rough through South East Asia into the modern luxuries of Tokyo, their expectation is a far more comfortable experience aided by 21st century Japanese technology. Or so it would seem. 17 pages - pdf, format

Chris,

Some notes.

I've never flown JAL, but I'm willing to bet that on transcontinental flights from Australia, the attendants speak damn good English.  But I'm regularly surprised.

Point of writing style.  Don't use 'is landing' or 'is looking' or any other like construction.  The plane lands; he looks like.  etc.  And I don't know how people look 'more keener'.  They could look keener, and that's it.

Also, try to limit your action paragraphs to 4 lines or fewer.  Big hunks of text intimidate readers.  Keep things moving.

'more fresher'?  I think you might need some English review.

This story doesn't begin with landing in Japan.  It starts in the restaurant.  Before that is all fluff.  And since you're going to have the characters tell us about everything before, why did you show it?  It doesn't matter if Jamie started having problems in Vietnam, Laos, or Australia.  His problem starts in the restaurant.  

I'm no fan of toilet humor.  As far as I'm concerned, such human processes aren't much described for a reason.  But that's me.  I do like that you have Jamie use modern communication to call Amber.  I'd like it better if he used his communication to browse the net for info on this loo.  Of course, if he managed to drop his phone...well....damn...

Best
Richard

Thanks heaps for reading the script!

Great points there for my development as I continue to learn this craft (as he scurries to edit other projects which have "looking, landing" and such like construction) .

I actually half considered Jamie dropping the phone into the, um, abyss. But that pathway even grossed me out too much.

Thanks again for your review, I really appreciate it.

Cheers
Chris

Chris,

If he drops it in, how can he get it out without diving for it?  Might make for some hilarious efforts?

Best
Richard