SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 9:24am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Suddenly With Child Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Suddenly With Child  (currently 1472 views)
Don
Posted: January 10th, 2016, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Suddenly With Child by Hunter Vogt - Series, Comedy - When an irresponsible teenager-turned successful lawyer is tracked down by the daughter she gave up for adoption while in high school, she must be there for the college student daughter she now has. 31 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Female Gaze
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 11:23am Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hi. I'm going through some of the un-replied scripts to give my advice. I got through the teaser and the first few scenes and this is what I thought.

Your teaser is fine but it really should have ended with Nora admitting she was Candace's daughter- which by the way is sort of been there done that in terms of plot. But I'll continue. That courtroom scene is a little lackluster and not nearly stirring enough. Plus the jury tends to decide the verdict and not the judge. So maybe re-work that part so it isn't so on-the-nose.

Much like the rest of the dialogue everything is cliche. They have the party and she hooks-up with some guy with absolutely no explanation. Are they dating? Does she have a crush on him? And why are these girls so sexually free at such a young age? It's a little unbelievable.

And her verbalizing the events of the hook-up is just awkward. Work on making this a little more interesting I guess. Maybe the guy was someone we wouldn't expect.

Hope I helped a little.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 11
NW3
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 6:48am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hi Ashlie,

It looks like you are new to SimplyScripts? You say on another thread that you want to get your feet wet on the forums so you are going through un-replied scripts. Your advice will be appreciated I'm sure, but not always in the places you are giving it. Those are thoughtful and helpful comments - if the writer is around.

Not everyone who posts a script visits the boards, either they don't want comments or don't know there is a thread. It means reviewers can be talking to themselves. Even so, your comments might be helpful to other readers, I noticed this script only because you had commented to it.

If the writer IS around, I have notes.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
Female Gaze
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
Yeah I figured as much. The series section doesn't get much action like the other forums. I know I'm working on series primarily now...so my comments are going there. I will take a look at more in this forum and maybe give someone else some advice.

Thank You, NW3
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
Hunter
Posted: March 22nd, 2016, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
WA, USA
Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hi, yes, I am around, though I haven't been much recently because I have been busy. Midterms this week for my spring semester.

Thank you for reading what you have read! I know that this is the weakest of my sitcom pilots here.

And, to NW3, I'd love to hear your notes.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
NW3
Posted: March 22nd, 2016, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
That's great, I looked at the date the script was posted and it seemed forgotten. But it's not.

I first thought this would be interesting because of the title. "With child" means pregnant, and a story where a woman has to reappraise her life when it happens suddenly means conflict and drama. From the logline it appears the term is not used in this context. Still, a story where an adopted child shows up to disrupt a busy life might be good.

You could cut the logline by half:

  "An irresponsible teenager-turned successful lawyer is tracked down by the daughter she gave up for adoption."

From that I would expect to see a feisty lawyer not cut from the usual cloth. Perhaps she would specialise in family cases with her unique perspective. As it happens, hers seems a very normal practice, and she shows no legacy of her teenage experience but is not diligent about her career, abandoning a client to an inexperienced colleague while she spends a fruitless day with her new-found daughter. Wouldn't it make more sense for Candace to invite her daughter to the courtroom to see her mom in action? There is no conflict and very little drama, for me, it never really got off the ground.

I think you need to establish your characters in their world before throwing them together. After a brief courtroom scene, Nora walks right up to her mother and introduces herself, and as Ashlie says, that's for the end of the episode when you have it in the teaser.

The scene showing how Nora came about is simplistic and not necessary. Perhaps have the irresponsible teenager scene in a later episode, after various other scenarios have been explored and discounted by an inquisitive Nora. As it is, she makes no enquiry at all.

Remember it's a screenplay. From meeting her daughter for the first time, Candace returns home to ROGER who asks, "Hey, Candace, how was your day?" She says, "I met my daughter." On the screen, the natural implication is that Roger is her husband, making her statement peculiar. Confusion would be avoided by "Hey, sis..." as his greeting, or her to say, "I met your niece." That information comes a page later. It seems strange for adult brother and sister to share an apartment, I wonder if this is to be explained later in the series?

Since it is a pilot you have a lot of ground to cover, which means not wasting lines on chat or explanation. Take a look at this scene on page 8:


Quoted from Suddenly with Child - Pilot.pdf



                        CANDACE
                         I'd better call Alan
            and have him tell Janet that she's
            handling the case tomorrow.

                                               CUT TO:

  INT. CANDACE'S OFFICE - DAY

  ALAN, a man in his early twenties, is sitting at a desk. His
  phone rings, and he answers it.

                        ALAN
            Hello.
                  (he listens)
            Okay, I'll tell her.

  Alan hangs up, then goes into a different room at the
  office, where Janet is sitting at a desk.

                        ALAN
            Janet?

                        JANET
            Yeah?

                        ALAN
            Candace told me to tell you that
            you will be presenting the Vincent
            case in court tomorrow.




It only needs:


                        CANDACE
            I'd better call Alan.


  INT. CANDACE'S OFFICE - DAY

  Janet at a desk. ALAN puts his head round the door.

                        ALAN
            Candace wants you to present the
            Vincent case.



See how this becomes a problem at the top of page 12 where Janet says, "I quit" and with that dramatic statement, the scene should be out. You have Alan and Janet carry on and swap denials, so by the top of page 13 Janet still says, "I am quitting and that is final." But it's not, because Alan must convince her that "You can do it" and the dance goes on.

I don't know what you have in mind for the rest of the series. I wonder if you could knock a few years off Nora so that she would be the same age her mother was, and maybe compare and contrast? She could either be in danger of following the same path or the complete opposite, and bring responsibility to her freewheeling mom, sort of role reversal. As it is, I can't see that either of them have a problem and it doesn't matter if they bond or not.

Those are just story points, I can't say much about the writing. You need to take care of spelling and such. Keep writing and read (produced) scripts in the style you are going for, you will improve.

Good luck with it, and your midterms,

Jon
(NW3)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
Female Gaze
Posted: March 22nd, 2016, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
I'm glad your still around to get feedback.

I can see how people ditch this forum..tooo long to receive feedback on things.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: March 22nd, 2016, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
317
Posts Per Day
0.08

Quoted from Female Gaze
I'm glad your still around to get feedback.

I can see how people ditch this forum..tooo long to receive feedback on things.


I'm sorry you feel this way, but that is a huge misrepresentation of the truth.  There are some really good writers on this site, MANY that have made films - in fact, I just recently finished watching The Suicide Theory on NETFILIX by one of the writers on this site!  Another just recently had a feature film picked up for production, while many others have had good success getting their work filmed.

It's a free site and (I feel) one of the best screenwriting sites out there.  All of the "regulars" have given good reviews and I'm sure have very busy lives.  So I would hope you and others would stick around long enough to see what this site and forum have to offer people serious about writing and improving their screenplays.

That's all I've got to say about that... (sorry, my Forrest Gump is coming out!)

Don't want to derail this script thread, just want to say that.

Welcome Hunter and Ashlie!  Please stick around and contribute!


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
Female Gaze
Posted: March 22nd, 2016, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
I just think over a month for a feedback is ridiculous.

I'll stick around because I just started out on this forum and frankly it really is one of the better ones.

I love how the busy people come on here to say their too busy to be active...like what??  I'll contribute as long as anyone will allow me and even if they don't.

I am much more interested in story than structure because that is something that can be fixed later IMO.

A great story is a great story.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: March 22nd, 2016, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
317
Posts Per Day
0.08
I understand what you're saying about the time to get a review.  One thing, if there is an OWC (One Week Challenge) going on, or Don posts many scripts at once, many of the posts that are on the PORTAL (which is where most of us look first) will get pushed off.  So, unless someone is looking for TV Pilots/Series (which they can go to that category and find), they might miss something that was on the first page and then got bumped.  That might be what happened.  Just post something in your script page about needing more reviews and it should be most recent and pop back up on the PORTAL.

Hope that helps.  And yes, story is important but format is necessary.

Sorry Hunter, I'll get to your story soon.  I'm one of those busy people - unfortunately!!  Glad to have you both on here.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
Female Gaze
Posted: March 22nd, 2016, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
New


It's not who will let me; It's who will stop me?

Posts
294
Posts Per Day
0.10
I know format is necessary- I just believe story is more crucial. There are programs, books, forums etc about format no one can formulate great storytelling.

After all there are only five basic plot lines to choose from.

My thing with the series portal or the WIP portal is that no one visits it enough to me. My WIP is on there from the other day...I'm not fishing for reads really...but most of the other's in that forum are from like January or last year. Features are more prominent on here I guess.

I am not trying to hijack by the way. But maybe more people will come reading now.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 11
Hunter
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 12:44am Report to Moderator
New



Location
WA, USA
Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted from Female Gaze
I just think over a month for a feedback is ridiculous.



Most of the time, feedback is given within a few days, but some scripts (like this one) just don't really get any feedback. For the other two scripts I have posted in this section, one got 1 review posted, and it was posted hours after the script was uploaded to the site, while the other got 2 reviews posted, both the day after it was uploaded.


Quoted from NW3
That's great, I looked at the date the script was posted and it seemed forgotten. But it's not.



I read your review (only put that one part in the quote because it was a long quote, but I read it all). Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I really actually hate the title. I just couldn't come up with a better one. And thank you for the logline tip.

When writing this, I saved those courtroom scenes (like the one at the beginning) for last because I was kind of scared of writing them. I don't want to focus on making it exactly like a real courtroom, but I do want to make it at least somewhat realistic. The problem is that I know so little about the courtroom and how it works. I watch How to Get Away with Murder, but other than that I have little exposure to what a courtroom (or a TV series courtroom) is like.

With your mention of Nora seeing Candace in action, that gives me an idea that I can change around the episode completely to make it where Candace is trying to impress Nora with her skill, only to eventually realize that Nora doesn't want to be impressed, she wants to get to know her mother. And I may take your suggestion of getting to know the characters more before throwing them together, I think I may save the meeting to the end of Act 1, and in Act 1 establish Nora's character as she prepares to meet her mother, set up a subplot (which I may or may not keep centered around Janet), and introduce an additional problem/objective for Candace.

I will make sure to review all of your notes when revisiting this script. I now have an idea of how I can fix the structure of the episode. This one is going to get even more torn apart when I rewrite than my first script on Simply Scripts did.

Also, Ashlie, I did read your review as well, I just didn't respond like this to it because I was on my phone at the time which makes it more challenging, and I have just been so busy. But it is much appreciated as well!


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006