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A War Story by Prahaas Oldman - Short, War - Five soldiers round up in a cabin after the completion of their assignment. As coffee steams up and cigarettes burn, all get into verbal duels and chaos ensues. 17 pages - pdf, format
You start with a voice over that runs a bit long for my taste. You're trying to make some general statement about war, but I'd rather you show then tell.
When you introduce characters, you CAP their names--CHIP, BLOT, etc.
a speech by Kay about coffee and no need for the fineries of life during a war. OK, I guess. Make it shorter?
You work hard to create conflict among these soldiers, but for some reason it doesn't ring true. Soldiers in war bond, and while they may jaw one another, they know that their lives depend on one another. So, the stuff in the first half doesn't seem quite right.
The story improves when you introduce the kid. That they have disciplined him because he reported more soldiers than the others thought possible seems stupid. These veterans wouldn't disregard the kid's observations just because he's a newbie--at least I don't think they would. The kid has no reason to lie that I can see, except maybe for fear, and even that doesn't work for me.
That the kid turns on his mates works for me. It's his only way out, and he takes it. I'm not a fan of the voice over at the beginning, and I'm not a fan of repetition at the end. But that's me.
Overall, this needs a scrub, especially the dialogue. Try to think of how real soldiers communicate. Few words, lots of cliches, lots of little actions like grabbing a crotch or flipping the finger.
The introductory and voiceover is interesting. Some dialogues are too sophisticated and too long. I kept confusing KAY and KID, the names are too similar, definitely replace one.
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A War Story
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