SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 4:47am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Light in the Water Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Light in the Water  (currently 1323 views)
Don
Posted: January 16th, 2016, 7:36am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Light in the Water by Steven Wood - Short, Mystery, Suspense - During a late night fishing trip, two friends catch morw than they could have ever expected. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
cloroxmartini
Posted: January 16th, 2016, 8:25am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
You know what a saguaro is?
Posts
803
Posts Per Day
0.14
I'm thinking the kid's fishing line wrapped up another diver and killed him? Didn't work for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 7
Steven
Posted: January 16th, 2016, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
You're right, he was caught and couldn't free himself.

The whole point was that they were afraid of something that wasn't real, if they looked into what it was, they would have saved the guy.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 7
cbead
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 3:28am Report to Moderator
New


https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

Location
Sunny Coast. Qld. Australia
Posts
143
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hi Steven. nice twist but to me it became obvious just after the cop boat arrived with the diver looking for his mate. I suppose we all try to preempt the twist a bit, especially if we are writing.

I'm just a newbie so won't bang on about structure and formatting etc, I'm still learning all that.

About the story, I think where the cop blurts out that whole long dialogue about the diver, the GPS and the man overboard etc, all in one chunk seems a bit unrealistic (knowing the cops that I know). Probably more like:

'Have you fellas seen anything strange out here?'   Answer.
'There's possibly a diver who may still be in the water'... etc, etc.

Would break up the dialogue, show the cop is like most cops and usually keeps things close to their chest... need to know basis, and so on. Gives Kyle and Russ a few more shots at some tipsy wisecracks as well, building some more heat between them and the cop.

Cheers
Chris



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 7
Steven
Posted: January 17th, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southern California
Posts
466
Posts Per Day
0.16
I take influences from the twilight zone, and even then you know the twist during the last few minutes, which is fine by me.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 7
Wes
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Oakland, CA 94602
Posts
164
Posts Per Day
0.05
So there are a couple of things that don't quite work for me. How did their line get tangled around the diver without Kyle and Russ noticing? The rod apparently doesn't bend until the second diver cuts the dead diver loose?
What does on hundred pound test line have to do with anything? And it seems like overkill for fresh water fishing. I don't get it.
I'm thinking the dead diver had to be dead before he got tangled in their line. Otherwise he would have surfaced . . . ? So Kyle and Russ didn't kill anyone.
I keep anticipating something amazing is gonna happen and it never seems to. At least, not for me.

One thing, on page 7, "Russ pushes down on Kyle's should to sit down;". I'm guessing you wanted the word "shoulder"?


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 7
RichardR
Posted: July 5th, 2016, 10:08am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Steven,

Some notes.

I recall reading or hearing about something like this...urban legend?  I can't remember.  In any case, This one doesn't work for me.  I think the opening is a bit longish.  Put them on the boat.  Get them drunk.  Give them the light that they don't quite get.  I don't think anyone could get tangled in the line without them noticing.  Now, they might decide to cut the line at some point which would do no good, but I don't see them not noticing.  And the cop doesn't ring true for me.  But that's me.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 7
MarkItZero
Posted: July 9th, 2016, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
You have a good concept. Two drunk kids that let fear and imagination get the better of them and it leads to something awful happening... but like others mentioned it just doesn't work as written. How would a fishing line tangle up a diver and how would they not notice that much weight being pulled?

More importantly, the cop says the diver fell off a boat earlier and never resurfaced. What was he doing underwater that whole time, just floating around for the hell of it? He had to have already been dead (hit his head or something and drowned). Otherwise he would have just swam back to the surface immediately. I know you want a twist but you can't force something that's illogical.

I suggest something like this -- the two kids notice a weird light in the water, it's foggy, they're drunk... the light starts to move and something rocks the boat and freaks them out... one of the kids panics and knocks the other the side (or they both go over) and one (or both) drown.

Then the end is the cop and diver team fishing out a meteorological weather balloon that had fallen out of the sky into the lake and was the cause of the eerie light.



That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 7
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006