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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  It's Only Words - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    It's Only Words - OWC  (currently 2983 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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It's only words by Mark Moore - Short, Drama - A Mother and Daughter reflect on their lives through a board game. - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:38pm
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LC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:25am Report to Moderator
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Nice little nostalgic piece.  Apt that with a title like this there is no dialogue too.  

I did find it dragged a little after the midway point, and though it beggars belief a sixteen year old would hold with tradition and not just tip the scrabbleboard over, it ends with a rather nice full circle moment.


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cbead
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Interesting concept. Hard to read in continual 3 to 4 line paragraphs, and it did drag on a little for me.

Perfect title, but the logline didn't grab me at all.

Although a bit of a chore to read, I do think this would film well.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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Going for the drama, the story delivers it. Some could argue it's overwritten in a good way, so I'd recommend the priority cutting come by way of the "scrabble conversations" themselves. Of course cut the fluff adjectives.

Their exchanges, although meaningful, snailed along. Maybe try tinkering with the formatting a little so when a character plays a word, it's given some space or separation on the page.

This short has film potiental. The writing could be lighter for clarity, but a theme is there and who doesn't like that?
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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Something different and an idea I nearly went with (but didn't), here's my ill informed opinions...

To me this reads more like a short story, which is not only down to the formatting but also the relatively flowery style taken as evidenced from the first paragraph.
The second sequence onwards... the words seem a little artificial and too easy, perhaps they'd feel less forced if they were more obscure versions or sound-a-likes.
Liked the circularity of the ending, nice.

Liked this but reservations at script level as above.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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I just opened the first page... I'm going to have to come back to this one. I can tell without even reading it that this is going to be way overwritten. I've seen novels with shorter paragraphs.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Out of the gate, I love your title. Logline is ok, although it doesn't offer much conflict.

Others have already told you its overwritten so I'll spare that comment. I still overwrite myself after three years!

Oh and Scrabble Like that.... I'm not sure because I've never played but I think you only start with like five or seven letters so not sure right off they could spell a word like teach. I do like these words coming out and suspect they will prompt the conflict and work to move the story forward....but taking these notes as I go so we'll see.

Oh one thing I do love is the fact that you took it ten years later. Love that. Thinking that maybe you could have done it with a montage perhaps, but I do like that ten years later ...here she is again.

Now with the game again, let me suggest using a montage or a series of shots because again with seven letters, they aren't going to be able to just place down words like this on there. I DO LOVE the fact though that the problems and conflict is coming out in the words and it vibes with your title so much kudos for that.

Ok done. Cute story and filled with family stuff...board game...so I think you met the parameters of the challenge. I do like how you went through years with the family and I think if you trim the descriptions back a lot, it won't feel like it drags on. I love how it goes full circle, too.

Good job, writer.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dena
I think you only start with like five or seven letters so not sure right off they could spell a word like teach


??? 'teach' has 5 letters in it... sorry Dena couldn't resist

So no dialogue, I like what you did, creative for sure using Scrabble words as a means of conversation.

I don't think it's over written, if you under write it anymore you would end up with a 2 page script. maybe your wording could have more action and less scrabble words.

Good job for trying something else


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wonkavite
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Ah - my first OWC read for the January Challenge.

The plus side: it's a terrific concept, with very nice touches of humor and humanitarianism.  And I'm guessing whoever wrote this has kids.

The critique: this one, while a great idea, reads far too much like prose.  Such thick blocks of text here - hard to wade through and not workable, IMHO, in screenplay format.  

BUT - it is worth re-doing as a prose short.  So, kudos on that!

--Janet (W)
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SAC
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

There's a very sweet story at the heart of this. No dialogue, either. Very well done. I like the premise, and its good writing. However, it's a bit wordy. I wish you had figured out a way to cut the exposition and get to the meat of this story quicker. One other thing, although it may be implied and I missed it, but wouldn't it have been great if we learned that Jane was deaf, thereby giving her a reason for communicating to her daughter by use of scrabble? Otherwise, a good script with an original premise. You just gotta get through it first, and the payoff is nice.

Pretty good effort!

Steve


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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its only words

not sure the longline does anything for me, but then again I've never been in to TS elliot, and mine is even worse..like really worse

but lets see..

well done for a non dialogue script, not easy to pull off.
i suppose we could ask the question, why? in many ways we have just seen a family growing up as shown through scrabble words. nice way, but i wonder what else we could have had?

could they have been deaf etc could it be intermixed with limited dialogue, showing that writing can be a better explanation of feelings, than talking, perhaps thats what comes across

possibly a way of how they resolve disputes or moments of difficulty - hit the wine, oh i man hit the scrabble.

im glad you said it was merlot, i was worried for second it would be cab sav

story wise nothing stands out in term soft what happens but I'm torn as to whether this is a weakness or whether the simplicity is the core of the script and that the scrabble is the way to convey this. perhaps it needs an extra angle to make it shine

could see this filmed


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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It's only words

Title: OK. Not enormously compelling. Query: Would "Only Words" be better?

EDIT: In retrospect, the title is fine the way it is. I wasn't aware of the dramatic irony that the script provides...

Premise

Bordering on the superb. The idea of talking with scrabble tiles, and seeing the relationship of two people develop over the years was fascinating. It's a deep and difficult story to attempt, more naturally the type of thing you see in a high end short story.


Script

It was a heavy script to read. What people would call novelistic. By page 4 my boring bone is aching. The action is a little repetitive. It's tough to condense so much life, into a few scrabble tiles. You've done a remarkable job, but it is potentially monotonous for a film.

Page 5 redeems it. The emotion works. It's there. It's been telegraphed. There's nothing we didn't expect early doors, but it still works.

The epilogue works nicely as well.

Good job. A bold effort. The type of story we rarely see round here, where we are generally see more speculative fiction. You've splendidly managed to use a very small story to tell a very big tale.

I wish you all the best for it. If you get it into the right hands, I see no reason why this shouldn't do well.
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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I held off on this when I saw the big blocks of action/description. That's not necessarily a strike against it, because the audience will be watching the story, not reading it.

NONETHELESS -- watching this could be tedious. Each person putting down so many words will make people start to fidget in their seats. So, I recommend cutting to speed things up.

Also, when a teen-ager is mad, it doesn't seem likely she'd sit down for a game to express herself. She'd be more likely to mouth off and slam the door. You need some device to account for the lack of words. Such as having it be a family tradition/rule to play Scrabble in this manner, especially when anger is the issue.



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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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I loved this one! Very creative, and it was an interesting choice not to use dialogue. However, in a Scrabble game with a seven year old, there is sure to be dialogue.

An idea that I had is that you could start with more dialogue, then each scene has less and less until the last scene before the granddaughter has no dialogue. Then, in the granddaughter's first game, being back the amount of dialogue from the first scene.

Just an idea I came up with, maybe you hate it and want to keep it the way it is, and that's fine.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
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khamanna
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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You packed two life spans in this short - that's great.

It reads very well, I think it's well written too. I noticed heavy paragaphs, but still enjoyed the read and it didn't seem heavy or overdescriptive. Usually I don't like no dialog pieces.
I think Julia's life should be somewhat different, there should be more. That's my only grump, I think a bit more spice would make this invaluable.
Overall it's a very good piece by me.
Nice wellknown game, fits the theme very well.
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