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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Solitare - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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SimplyScripts
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Solitare by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - A troubled loner is about to get a second chance. And maybe more. - pdf, format


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SimplyScripts  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:42pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to make of this one. At first it read like a decent enough script with the game theme shoehorned in at the last minute. And that's, of all card games, solitaire. When the date happens, the couple play Chutes and Ladders instead. That's all there is here, although perhaps Randy uses card games for introductory puposes, and the Chutes and Ladders to score with women.

That's what I''m getting from this. After all, why else would you waste a page on Randy getting up in the morning, making coffee and watching the sun rise (I'm assuming that's what he was doing-you lost me on the 'red ring' part. what red ring?)

Again, not a bad effort, writing is fairly good.
But I'm not into it for some reason. Maybe it's just me.


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cbead
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Well written and decent dialogue.

I didn't really get the premise. Amy seems enthusiastic enough to ask him on a date. We see a lot of Randy cleaning and coiffing which doesn't really a add a lot the to story IMO.

Where I thought the kicker was coming was the conversation about Randy's kid and Amy's reaction. Now this story just got really interesting... The plot climbed a tall ladder!

Is Amy so desperate for a man she can now just let that slide? All  that great conflict seemed to go down the chute!

I think the development of 'why can't you see your kid' aspect could really improve the story.


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Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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A touching, understated portrait of two people, presumably kind of lost in life. I thought the renaming of Solitaire by Randy, Patience, and Amy's choice of games, Chutes and Ladders, struck just the right symbolic note.

You have an instinct for how much to tell and what to leave out. I admire that.



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Hunter
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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I like how Amy kind of walks Randy through everything, like "Are you gonna invite me in?"

I would imagine that Amy, having a daughter, would have played Chutes and Ladders with her.

I thought we were going to get some information about Randy later when he said "I'm not ready yet." I felt disappointed when I got to the end and I never found out what he meant.


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Canis
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Another slow burner but, I liked it. It's woven with all the right elements to make a Hallmark moment.

I get the sense that Randy, a returning veteran, has been deemed unfit (by the forces that be) to see his daughter, not custody... just see her. First they build him up, then they tear him down. That, unfortunately, is not fiction... and that's what gives this story a real world feel.

Of course Amy has her story too, however, we'll just have to imagine it for now.

You're not the first to say "Chutes and Ladders" in a script here but, I've only ever known that game as "Snakes and Ladders"... strange.

Great story, good writing, solid effort.
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StevenClark
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Clean writing here. Nothing that really jumps out at you, but I don't think that's the intention with this. Reads more like an awkward love story, focusing on Randy, who clearly has his issues. It's foreshadowed so you left out much unnecessary exposition. In the end it lives up to its logline, delivering a glimmer of hope to a troubled man.

Overall, pretty good understated effort.

Steve


Fair's Fare
An unsavory mechanic takes a shortcut that may not cost him his life but, by golly, he just might wish it had.
http://www.dropbox.com/s/3o0108q746tld5q/FAIRSFARE.pdf?dl=0
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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty simple, but solid, little story.

I do think the characters, especially Amy, could have been fleshed out a little more, so that we could see what her need is and how Randy could potentially help solve this need.

Writing was pretty strong and overall I thought this was a good entry.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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My opinions...

Think this is a Brit writer, I grew up knowing it as Patience too... could be wrong.

This is a little deceptive as not too much happens and a lot is left unsaid and unexplained... but that's its charm and I liked it, loved the final line too.

Good effort here.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Ryan1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pleasant, understated little tale, but it could have dug much deeper into its two leads.  When we first meet Randy, there's no mention of how cluttered his house is, which is presumably a metaphor for his life.  Later, as he prepares for his date, he's taking bags and bags of this junk out to the curb.  I think the setting should have been more clearly described, as it would give us an insight into how he's barely hanging on.

Nice touch having them play a child's game at the end, but there was plenty of space left in the script for them to bare their souls to each other.  Felt like they were just scratching the surface.  
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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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An easy read due the great writing on hand.

The storyline is simple, I liked how Amy made the first moves very sweet.

I think some peeps try to look for a dramatic twist as an ending and forget that something heartfelt and simple is just as effective in terms of story telling.

Kudos to the writer

Great job


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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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First a couple of minor notes:


Quoted Text
Outside, a ratty screen door bangs against its frame in the
rustling wind.


A nit since I saw what you wanted me to - but the above probably requires a different scene heading. (you moved from INT to EXT)

Reading on - I think you can just eliminate the above - it does nothing for the story.

When Amy first comes to Randy's table the tone is kind of don't bother me. When Amy asks about Saturday night he is all of a sudden at the level of a school boy with a crush. If he was so smitten with Amy, wouldn't he have paid more attention to her the first moment she paid attention to him - i.e., when she first came over?

Love the ending line from Amy.

So - a low tone, subtle one here - I am found with that. I do think you need two games to make this work - one would do the trick.

I would like a little more on why is it that Amy is attracted to this fella.

God effort for one week.



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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was a bit boring and too overwritten.

Too much stuff with nothing that furthers the plot happening in it.  It feels like the writer had to put stuff in just to reach the page limit.

The game had no bearing on the story at all...

Sorry, didn't feel this at all...

5/10


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Solitaire

Connection with loner in the logline sounds wise, let's see...

Quite liked that. Had atmosphere.

As a story  it lacks a little as there is quite a lot we don't know, and to a degree, stuff that we probably should know to make final sense of it all. Eg what he did in the army and why he can't see his daughter.

I appreciate that we don't need it all. He could, after all, just be a loner estranged from his family, but here we have a reason that's left hanging.

But I liked the sense of isolation. The sense of life as a chore and a struggle. Two folks trying to get by. I also like she makes the move. If this was a feature you'd probably want to see him do something to warrant that, but here we don't have much time.

Like most OWC the scripts this time feel like they will benefit from the hindsight and review. This one stands out as being a story that could be developed.

Nice work.




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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one is pretty good from my point of view.  Randy has his issues.  Amy is searching for something too.  She manages to get him to do something for her, for the idea of being with her.  Thatís good.

I was expecting a macabre twist at the end, but I wasnít so disappointed when it didnít happen.  And there was just enough hinting at his past that made him a mystery.  As in most cases, less is more in this instance.  I sorta wish we had the same amount of info on her.

Overall, a well constructed little story.

Best
Richard
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